


stars

by brookwrites



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Bombs, Death, Fire, Fluff, Homophobia, M/M, PTSD, Panic Attacks, Seizures, history au, warfare (non-descriptive)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-08
Updated: 2019-02-15
Packaged: 2019-08-20 10:36:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 30
Words: 45,109
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16554176
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brookwrites/pseuds/brookwrites
Summary: dan grew up in a normal 1930s london family with his parents and little brother. everything was completely and utterly normal… until the bombs started dropping. When dan was fifteen his father went off to war, and when he was sixteen he and his brother hayden were sent off to a foster family in rural england. he looked up at the stars and couldn’t help but wonder how something that beautiful could exist in such a broken world. just when he thought things would never get better, dan met phil, and he became the shining star of his life. but when phil turned eighteen and went off to war, dan couldn’t help but wonder when, if ever, the stars would twinkle the same way again.





	1. Chapter 1

Fearful. Dan had thought through a list of words and finally decided that was the right word to describe how he felt. Fearful. It wasn’t just him being scared for his current situation, and it wasn’t even as horrifically extreme as terror. It was just fear. Fear for the present, fear for the future, and fear for the lack of a future. Fear. Living in London in those days was really nothing but fear. Dan was thirteen at the time, and his thought process seemed childish even to himself, but he had no choice but to occupy his mind with something, with anything. When he didn’t, it was simply the sound of the bombs ringing in his ears.   
In 1924, Dan was born into his happy, British family. He had a mother, a father, and a younger brother, Hayden; it was everything a typical family should be. He lived a normal life, going to primary school and eventually secondary. He was happy. He was healthy. There was peace.   
When Dan was fifteen, the year of 1939 struck Europe; news traveled slow across the continent, but it reached him with full force. It was like watching a horror movie flash before his eyes. First, in April, they began the drafts. Dan knew the severity of the situation; the government was making it very clear the Adolf Hitler, the Nazi Party, and Germany in general posed a great threat to their country and their well being. It was like the fear of school shootings in America today. It’s around. It’s happening. It’s coming. And that’s terrifying. When something happened, even far away from him, it reminded him that it was on its way, and there was a chance that one day the violence would reach him. It was constantly living on edge, constantly being afraid to go about his daily life for fear that, living in the biggest city in Britain, that something horrific would happen and he would never return. But even then, nothing too bad had happened yet. Then, the first of September, Germany invaded Poland. This drove Dan almost mad; things were spiraling worse and worse, and the Nazis were taking whole countries over. Yes, they were going in the other direction, but if they could take Poland, who was to say they couldn’t take Britain too?   
It was the same day that they got the news of the Polish invasion that they began relocation. Operation Pied Piper, they called it. Dan was forced to watch his friends begin to disappear from class, although he himself stayed in London; his mother found there no reason for him to leave yet, and she wouldn’t let him and his brother go until there was immediate danger. Suddenly, and all at once nearly half of his classmates were gone. Two days later, they were at war. Both Britain and France had declared war, Germany not willing to comply with their demands. And that was when the air raid alarms sounded, and Dan realized all his fear was finally justified.   
No bombs fell that night, nor did they for long enough to where he forgot about that event itself. But the effects of the bomb risk was something the entire city felt for years. Suddenly the entire morale of the city changed. Prior to the war, which he still disliked calling it, children roamed free in the streets as long as they wanted. Kids a few years older than him would sneak out in the evenings and go see a movie. But suddenly that all changed. Lights went off at sundown. Nobody left their houses. The city went completely silent every night. But Dan’s normal happiness had been silent since the original declaration of war.   
It was shortly after the declaration of war that his father was drafted into the army, and it was the worst thing he’d experienced thus far. His family had never separated, even for a night, and he wasn’t ready for that yet. He wasn’t ready for his father to go off to war with a chance of never returning. He wasn’t ready for the fact that if the war lasted three more years he could be drafted too. He didn’t like to think about that. He didn’t like to think about war. He didn’t really like to think anymore.   
Months passed without his father, and life moved on. Fear was the word; everyone was constantly afraid that they’d receive the dreaded telegram, especially Dan. Every few days, the principal of his school would enter one of his classes, his posture overly perfected and suit spotless, his face showing the deepest gloom, and everyone would know. The entire class would tense up, the teacher included; her husband would often be off in the war just like all the children’s fathers. Someone’s mother or even the telegram deliverer himself had delivered the news that someone had gone missing, or, even worse, was confirmed dead. Dan was unsure that a human heart was meant to beat as fast as it did every time he heard the tall man clear his throat in a classroom doorway; any time it could be him. He could almost feel that eventually it would be. And still, he lived on, watching his classmates mourn their own loved ones. But at least he was still there.   
As the number of telegrams grew, the number of classmates fell. They began to relocate more and more often, although Dan wasn’t sure why. There was no immediate danger to London; everything was as alright as it possibly could be.   
Finally, school let out for the summer, and Dan’s birthday passed. It had been the happiest day of the year for him prior to that day, but on Dan’s sixteenth birthday he cried. Without his father there, it really wasn’t a birthday anymore.   
Finally the month of September 1940 arrived, and the schoolchildren were preparing for the upcoming year; the sixteen year old Dan had finally managed to defeat the majority of his internal demons and learned to live with the war raging in the world around him, and finally he was beginning to truly live again.   
And then, on September 7, he heard the bomb. Blitzkrieg, the Germans called it. It translated to Lightning War in English, but they merely called it The Blitz. And it was the most terrifying thing of all. Sleep became a thing of the past; suddenly half of his classmates stopped coming to school, and Dan could only tell himself that they had been relocated and not killed in the previous night’s blasts. It was a miracle he himself was alive. Between the lack of sleep from having to head to a cellar every night and not being able to sleep through the noise or the fear, he could barely function, and that was nothing compared to the danger of the blasts themselves. And suddenly that was life. Hiding for his life in the evenings. And honestly, it killed him.   
The rest of the country was enamored. They found motivation in the blasts; all the civilians suffering in London and apparently many other cities across the country inspired the soldiers to push harder for the sake of the war, and did the same back home. Dan’s mother found herself working the men’s jobs, and Dan ended up doing most of the work at home.   
Dan found himself maturing a lot in that one year. He’d turned from a fifteen year old boy to a sixteen year old man. There was something about it all that got to him. Maybe it was the fact that he hadn’t seen his father in a year, maybe it was the fact that he barely had any friends still in London, or maybe it was the simple trauma of the ringing sounds of The Blitz in his ears constantly, but something about it really forced him to grow up fast. Nevertheless, It just started piling up. School, work, bombs. School, work, bombs. School, work, bombs. He couldn’t take the vicious cycle any longer, and so, on the night of December 29, he finally slept.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> dan turned his attention to the stars above his head. it was the first time he’d seen them in years; when he was young, they were visible every night, but then the city began to erect streetlights, and he couldn’t see them anymore. then the war began, and he wasn’t even allowed outside at night. dan couldn’t help but wonder how it was even possible for those stars to still exist. how could such a beautiful array of shining lights exist in a world so utterly dark? they were purely false hope, for those naive enough to take it. a distant happiness they would never reach. hopeless, dan knew they were. just like the city burned to the ground around him.

“Daniel! Daniel!” he awoke to a voice he recognized as his mother’s screaming over him. “We need to go, quickly!”

“What?”

“Up!”

He staggered to his feet, barely able to move due to his awakening from his deep sleep. “What’s happening?” There wasn’t much room in the shelter; they were one of few families lucky enough to have a house with a built in room that functioned adequately as a shelter.

“The city is burning; we need to go, now.”

Dan looked around, his eyes adjusting to the darkness. His brother was putting on a winter coat, his young eyes filled with fear. He was too young to fear for his life. They both were.

Dan didn’t have the time to put on a jacket; he simply grabbed it and anything else he cared about even in the slightest and threw it on as he ran. “Are the bombs still dropping?”

“No, but they’ve dropped more tonight than ever before. They’re through now, as far as we know, but there’s fire bombs left and right; if we don’t leave now, we’ll be engulfed in flames.”

“Where are we to go?” Dan’s brother asked, his voice still unchanged and innocent.

“Well,” their mother stuttered. Dan could hear it; she knew no better than he did. “Away from the flames. Quickly.” Dan looked back on their house, knowing the flames would take it and he’d never see it again. He took a deep breath and nodded.

And so they ran.

Dan had never been one to stay in shape, but the adrenaline pumping through his veins had him running faster than he ever had in his gym class; he passed firefighters attempting to put out the flames, although he knew they didn’t stand a chance. Nobody could put out that much fire. Eventually none of the three of them could run a single metre more, and they each panted their way towards the River Thames. It was an odd sight; Dan knew the city like the back of his hand, although it was difficult to navigate through the wreckage. It really wasn’t London anymore. Not the London he knew.

Finally the group reached the River Thames, where the flames were held back by the water. Firemen were attempting to drain the river to put out the raging fire, but they had no luck. All any of them could do was sink to the ground and watch the city burn. Dan turned his attention to the stars above his head. It was the first time he’d seen them in years; when he was young, they were visible every night, but then the city began to erect streetlights, and he couldn’t see them anymore. Then the war began, and he wasn’t even allowed outside at night. Dan couldn’t help but wonder how it was even possible for those stars to still exist. How could such a beautiful array of shining lights exist in a world so utterly dark? They were purely false hope, for those naive enough to take it. A distant happiness they would never reach. Hopeless, Dan knew they were. Just like the city burned to the ground around him.

Still, through all the wreckage, the sun rose in the morning. Civilians emerged from underground, and everyone gathered to look on at the remains of the city. It wasn’t completely destroyed; parts of the city were completely intact, but some districts ceased to exist entirely. Dan’s house was on the latter side. His head was in his lap, and he didn’t know how to remove it. Nothing was okay anymore.

“Daniel...” he heard his mother say as many began to walk away from the River Thames and attempt to go about their daily lives. Dan couldn’t comprehend it. What kind of world were they living in where some of their city just burned to the ground and it barely phased them enough to affect their daily schedule? “I need to talk to you about relocating to the countryside.”

Dan’s head suddenly shot up. “What? As a family?”

She took a deep breath. “No, Daniel. Just you two.”

“What about you?!” Anger began to well up in Dan’s chest. He already lost his father; he couldn’t lose his mother too.

“I need to stay here and help the cause.”

“Then I can stay too!”

“I’m sorry, Daniel, but you need to go. There’s nowhere for you to stay, and last night’s attack has shown me that you’re not safe here.”

“You aren’t safe either! And you don’t have a home!”

“Daniel, this is a final decision. I’m willing to risk my own life, but I’m not willing to risk yours or your brother’s. There’s a relocation train leaving today, and you’ll both be on it. Do you understand me?”

Dan bit his lip, trying not to shed a tear, and nodded. “Yes, ma’am.”

The walk over to the somehow still intact train station seemed simultaneously longer and shorter than it should have been. Each individual step felt long and drawn out, as if Dan’s entire world had slowed to a dull, almost motionless tempo. But when he reached the station, it felt like the walk had barely lasted a minute, because he knew that when they arrived he would be separated from his mother.

But still, there they were, Dan, his mother, and his brother, all standing beside a train that would carry the family in different directions. It was a lifeless goodbye; his brother, aged only eight, held fear in his eyes, but it was evident that he didn’t have such a deep understanding of the situation as Dan did. Dan watched his brother kiss their mother goodbye, then stepped up towards her himself. It was awkwardly silent for a moment.

“I’m sorry, Dan,” his mother said, tears pooling in her deep, brown eyes. “I really am. But I couldn’t live with myself if anything were to ever happen to you or your brother. It’s what’s best, and I hope someday you can understand that.”

“I know it’s what’s best for us,” Dan said harshly, unwilling to make eye contact. “But that doesn’t mean I accept it.”

“I know...” The train whistle sounded through the tension. “You need to go. Goodbye, then, I-”

She was suddenly cut off by Dan falling into her arms. “I’m gonna miss you so much, mum,” he sobbed.

Tears finally poured from her eyes as well, each of them sobbing onto each other’s shoulders. “I’m going to miss you too, Dan. I’ll do everything I can. One day, I’ll find you. I promise.” Dan pulled away and finally looked her in the eye. They were watery, and he knew that weakness and fear showed through each of them as they broke off. She took a pile of money from her pocket and placed it in Dan’s. It appeared to be a lot; it was likely all she had taken from their burned house. “Go,” she said. “Quickly.” Dan took a long blink before turning and grabbing his brother’s arm. “Dan?” he heard his mother say one last time.

“Yes, mum?” he said, turning his head.

She gestured to Hayden, and Dan looked down at him and then back up at her. “Take good care of him.”

Dan nodded, blinking away tears, and dragged his brother to the train doorway, the sound of the brakes releasing ringing below them. They pulled themselves up onto the entryway as the car beneath them began to move ever so slowly. Dan pushed his brother forward into the car, turning himself back to look at his mother one last time. There she was, still on the platform, waving goodbye with a handkerchief as if she was a widow from the nineteenth century. Mothers of other children on the train stood around her, all of them struggling through the same pain. Tears rolled down Dan’s cheek as he held onto the railing with one hand and waved goodbye with the other, watching her grow smaller and smaller until finally she disappeared entirely. Dan turned to his brother, still functioning physically solely because he had to, because he was now responsible for the eight-year-old. But mentally, he had finally broken, for he was forced to leave his father, his mother, and the only life he ever knew behind.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> he felt the tears roll down his cheeks as he cocked his head up to face the ceiling; all he wanted was to go back to his mother, but he didn’t even know if he’d ever see her again. he truly realized that, and then everything hit him at once and he finally began to sob, trying to stifle the noise so as to not wake his brother. he slipped out of the compartment and slid against the door, putting his head in his hands.

Dan and Hayden made their way to an empty compartment and sat across from each other, and Dan settled his focus on the window. After a few moments of silently watching the train leave the rubble of the city behind, Dan finally spoke. “You should get some sleep,” he said to Hayden on the other side of the compartment. “We’ve had a crazy night, and you surely didn’t get enough of it.”

He made eye contact with the boy, and it was as if he could see into his soul. He felt physical pain just from looking at him; it was just that obvious that he was suffering more than any child should. No eight-year-old should look so battered, so pained, so... old. He’d been through more than most people had been through in their entire life; it was almost as if he himself had been off to war. He looked so helpless and scared, but he seemed like he was trying to be stronger than he ever could. Dan couldn’t help but wonder if he appeared the same to Hayden.

“Okay. Do you have a pillow?”

“No,” Dan said, suddenly realizing they’d left everything behind. It wasn’t like they had much of a choice; it all burned. “We don’t have much of anything.” He saw Hayden exhale, and another pang of hurt hit him. “I know, I’m sorry. Just try to sleep and I’ll talk to you when you wake up, okay?” He nodded and put his head on the seat. Dan decided it would probably be best for him to do the same, but after a minute of lying there he knew he didn’t stand a chance. His mind was full of thoughts, most of them terrifying. He decided the silence was dangerous and looked over at his brother, who appeared to already be asleep.

Dan took off his jacket, intending to lay it as a blanket over the child, but then he remembered the few of his belongings he had in his pocket. He wasn’t sure what was there, as he couldn’t remember what he had grabbed in his rush, so he emptied the pockets onto the seat before finally laying the jacket on his sleeping brother. It wasn’t until then that he realized he was still in his pajamas, but at that point he didn’t care; it wasn’t as if his reputation mattered on a train carrying him away from his entire life.

Dan began to examine the pile of belongings on the seat beside him. First he took the time to count the money his mother gave him. It came out to be 50 pounds, which would be more than enough to sustain them for the trip. Hopefully their foster parents would have the money to keep them alive. That wasn't a high expectation, but it still crossed his mind.

He stopped for a moment to think about his future; what would it look like? Would he go to a camp? Would he go to a foster family? If he did, what would the people he'd be staying with be like? Would their new family have any other kids? Dan immediately decided against calling them the "new family" and went back to looking at his belongings.

He was disappointed that all he had were things that could fit into a jacket pocket; most of his important belongings were much bigger, and it hurt him knowing that those were left to burn. There wasn't much left for him to choose from, but he was satisfied with what he had.

The first thing in the pile that caught his eye was a picture of him and his parents when he was younger; it was all he had to remember his father by, so it was the first thing he grabbed off his dresser when he left. It would be something Dan would hold dearly in his new home. "New home." That was out too.

Beside the picture of his family were a couple other pictures in one frame; one was of him as a baby and the other was of him as a young child. He smiled and shed a tear at the younger, more innocent version of him. He looked over at Hayden and smiled a bit; he looked a bit like the child in the picture, except the one in front of him was much older at heart. His frown left at that; it constantly plagued him that the poor child was stuck in such a terrible situation. Dan wasn't having a walk in the park himself, but he couldn't imagine what it was like for Hayden. He was at that awkward age where he knew what was happening to the point where it could affect him, but he wasn't old enough to fully comprehend anything, and it was all just painfully confusing. The boy was stuck in between a rock and a hard place.

Sitting a few inches away from the rest of the pile was a golden pocket watch Dan immediately recognized as the present his parents had given him for his tenth birthday. It had his initials on it, and he could feel the love from his family every time he touched it.

Underneath the pictures was a gold chain Dan immediately recognized to be his mother's favorite necklace. For a moment, he was upset that he had taken it from her, but he quickly realized that if he hadn't it would have burned, and he felt a bit comforted. He wished she still had it, but holding it in his hand made him feel almost like she was there with him; it was the most comforting thing he'd met with since the first bomb dropped the previous night. Nevertheless, it made him break down. He felt the tears roll down his cheeks as he cocked his head up to face the ceiling; all he wanted was to go back to his mother, but he didn’t even know if he’d ever see her again. He truly realized that, and then everything hit him at once and he finally began to sob, trying to stifle the noise so as to not wake his brother. He slipped out of the compartment and slid against the door, putting his head in his hands. His head swam in the tears with thoughts, every last one of them bad. “I have-to stop-crying.” he murmured to himself in between sobs. “For-for Hayden.” 

He took a deep breath, looking up. He could hear his mother in his head.

“Take good care of him.”

Suddenly determination filled him. He was all that boy had, and damnit, he deserved to have something. He deserved to have a rock. He deserved to have just one person in that terrible world to depend on to always be okay, and Dan was going to be that person. He wiped his tears with his shirt and opened the compartment door, sitting back down. There was one, final item sitting on the seat where he had been, and it was a picture of Dan, eight years old, holding his newborn brother and beaming. He was going to be okay. Not for his mother, not for his father, and not even for himself. For Hayden.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> dan’s brain was swimming with different thoughts about the people he’d be meeting in a few moments. he watched other children just like him pass by with bus tickets and began to wonder if he’d be better off on the buses. no, he reminded himself, he was better off with hayden, no matter what. he looked over at the boy and smiled; that’s what he’s here for.

Dan woke up to the sound of someone yelling in the walkway. “Trolley!” He sat up straight, grabbing money out of the pile he’d fallen asleep on. He smiled, pleased with himself for having managed to get some rest. He opened the compartment door, and a moment later the trolley rolled up. “Anything from the trolley?”

“Yes, absolutely,” Dan said, the smile on his face wider than he’d smiled in longer than he’d like to admit. He was thrilled to have the trolley as an option on the train, especially as he didn’t know how long it would be before he and his brother would have access to a real food source. He ended up buying six pastries, four sandwiches, and four chocolates, costing him almost half their money, but it was worth it. It would last.

He tapped on his brother’s shoulder to wake him. “Hayden,” he said softly. “I have some food.”

“Food!” he called, awaking with a start. Dan chuckled. He hadn’t realized until then how hungry he truly was; he hadn’t eaten since dinner about eighteen hours ago. Somehow he’d been so caught up in the rest of his problems that his stomach hadn’t really crossed his mind. With that raging hunger, they managed to eat more than half of their food, but Dan again decided it was worth it. They still had some left over, and they had enough money to buy more food later if it was absolutely necessary.

The two spent the next few hours talking about what came next. Hayden seemed overly excited to see where they’d end up; Dan put on a smiling face and fueled his imagination with wild, wonderful ideas of who they’d meet, but in reality he was simply terrified. Anything could happen, and Dan wasn’t a big fan of unpredictability.

Finally the train came to a stop and Dan gathered his things, putting them back into his jacket pocket and adding the leftover food to them. “Make sure we don’t get separated, okay?” he said to Hayden. The boy nodded and took Dan’s extended hand as they made their way off the train. The truth was that Dan wasn’t even sure where they were, but as long as he kept Hayden close to him, everything would be okay.

There was a line of kids waiting outside to be assigned somewhere to go. Most had bags, but there were a few who were empty-handed and just as battered as Dan; he assumed they’d had nights similar to his.

The line was massive, and Dan could barely see the sign at the window they were moving towards. “Pied Piper,” it read.

If the line were for a ride at the fair Dan remembered attending as a child, it would have taken them the better part of an hour to reach the front, but people were rushed through this line. It appeared as if they stepped up to the window, were given a ticket, and left. Dan was unsure as to what the ticket was for, but he hoped it wouldn’t take him too far. After only about five minutes, Dan stepped up to the window, still clutching Hayden’s hand.

“Ages?” the man at the window said glancing at Hayden.

“Sixteen and eight,” Dan said.

“One ticket for the older boys’ bus and another for the younger. Yours is to the right, his is to the left,” the man said, his tone and facial expression unchanged and uncaring.

“What do you mean older and younger?” Dan asked, fear and anger welling in him. “I’m not leaving him.”

“I’m sorry, kid, that’s just how the system works.”

Tears began to well up in Dan’s eyes yet again; he’d cried more times than he could count that day, but all the other times were out of sadness; this time he cried of pure rage. “Damn your system! I’m all this boy has left, and I’m not leaving him. That’s final!” Dan shouted. His breathing was elevated as he looked around to see the entire station staring at him. He looked back at the man. “Well?”

The man sighed and slid a notebook across the table in front of him. “There is one foster family that’s looking to take in two kids. If we give them a ring, they can be here in an hour.”

Dan collapsed against the window counter. “Thank you, sir.”

“What are your names?”

“Daniel and Hayden.”

“Take a seat on a bench, please. I’ll come get you when they arrive.”

Dan sat for the next hour deep in his own thought. Every now and then he looked over to make sure Hayden was still beside him, and every time he saw him sitting there swinging his legs and smiling a bit. It was evident they were thinking of the same thing, but his thoughts appeared much more positive than Dan’s. He was much more innocent, much happier, much more positive in general.

In Dan’s mind lived fear. Maybe fear wasn’t the right word. Maybe it was anxiety. He was terrified to meet the people he’d be spending the next two years of his life with. They could be anyone. They could be loving and truly caring with all the right intentions, or they could be fostering children just to use them for labor. They could have little children running around driving Dan mad, they could have no other kids at all, or, most terrifying, they could have a child Dan’s age. Somehow even worse, it could be an attractive girl. His brain was swimming with different thoughts about the people he’d be meeting in a few moments. He watched other children just like him pass by with bus tickets and began to wonder if he’d be better off on the buses. No, he reminded himself, he was better off with Hayden, no matter what. He looked over at the boy and smiled; that’s what he’s here for.

Finally, after the agonizingly long hour was up, Dan felt a tap on the shoulder. “Ah!” he jumped. “Oh, sorry,” he said, seeing the man from the ticket window towering above him.

“Your foster parents are here. They should be waiting right outside.”

“Thank you, sir,” Dan said, giving him a weary smile and dragging himself off the bench. Fear, and this time true fear, overwhelmed him as he stepped closer and closer to the exit of the train station towards the place where he knew the people would be.

Finally, he pushed his way out of the station and looked around. There were a few people standing around, but none of them seemed to be paying much attention to them. Eventually his eyes settled on a couple looking around with wild, expectant eyes. They were well dressed, but didn’t seem pretentious. He locked eyes with the woman, who pointed over at them. “Daniel?” she said, her hazel eyes softening. “Hayden?”

They nodded and went to meet them. Hayden escaped Dan’s arms and ran to hug the man. He laughed, but Dan had to bite his lip. It just didn’t feel right. They seemed nice, but he’d just met them, and seeing Hayden embrace them so quickly scared him.

“Call me Dan,” he said, smiling at them.

“Here,” the man said. “Let me lead you to the car.”

The four of them walked for a little while before reaching a modest, fairly new car. Dan had never had a car before; he had lived in London, where it was much easier to walk around. He’d rarely ever even been in a car.

After he and Hayden were safely in the back seat and the man began to drive, Dan’s curiosity got the best of him. “Where exactly are we?” he asked.

“All the way near the southwest tip of England. We’re half an hour from the coast, but it’s nearly as far from London as you can get in this direction. Perfectly safe here, no worries.”

The woman, who seemed to be bursting to begin conversation, broke the silence before it could become awkward.

“So you’re eight and sixteen, correct?” The two of them responded with random words of affirmation. “Dan, have you learnt to drive yet?”

Dan was a bit taken aback by the question. “No; we don’t drive much in London. We can walk most places.”

“Oh, we’ll have to teach you,” the man said. “Our Phil’s been learning himself recently.”

Dan’s heart leaped out of his chest. “Phil?”

“Oh, yes,” the woman said. “Phil’s our son; he’s seventeen.”

It was just as he feared. Dan had to get along with someone else his age, and he was terrified.

“Is Phil your only child?” Hayden asked. He was asking the important questions; Dan was just too shaken to ask them himself.

“Yes,” the woman said, “but we’ve always wished for more. That’s why we’re taking you in!” Dan smiled at that, albeit insincerely. He wasn’t ready for his new life.

“So, boys,” the man said. “Tell us about yourselves.”

At that point, Dan truly smiled, because he knew from the first syllable that Hayden was going to go on talking the entire rest of the drive. He could collapse into his own world while his brother told them every wonderful detail of his life.

About twenty minutes later, he was shaken from his mind by silence. Hayden had stopped speaking. It was finally his chance to ask all the questions he’d thought of since the rambling began. “What shall we call you?”

“You can call me Margo.”

“And me Harold.”

“Great, thanks,” Dan said with a smile. “How much farther is it?”

“We should be there any moment now,” Harold said. Dan turned his gaze to the window beside him, finally taking the time to take in his surroundings. Around him he could see rolling hills, and he could only imagine the beauty they must hold in the summertime. This was the sort of countryside he went to visit his grandparents in every couple of years. This was the calm opposite of his old city life.

They turned off the road and onto an unpaved road that eventually turned out to be a long driveway leading to a townhouse on top of a massive hill. The house couldn’t have been less than one hundred years old, but it seemed to be kept up well. There was still a wreath on the door from Christmas a few days earlier. The car rolled up to a stop near it and Hayden went running for the door. Dan smiled, simply happy he was happy, and followed him in alongside Margo and Harold.

“We have two spare rooms at the end of the hall on the right, so you can each pick one,” Harold said to the two of them.

Hayden looked up at Dan, eyes glistening with joy. “My own room!” he shouted, then took off up the stairs. Dan followed slowly, taking a moment to take in his surroundings. The house was decorated modernly, with a few family portraits along the staircase. Dan watched this “Phil” grow up as he walked up the stairs, and it made him smile. It was as if he’d already grown a tiny connection to the ginger teen.

He took a right at the top of the stairs and made his way to the end of the hall, peering into the room on the left, where his brother was already jumping on the full size bed. Dan continued into the room at the very end, which appeared to be vacant. He took off his jacket and put his few belongings on top of the dresser.

Dan sat on the bed for a moment and took in his new room. As much as he already missed his old life back in London, he had to admit it was an improvement.

“Isn’t this great, Danny?” Hayden asked, running into his room, full of excitement. Dan immediately felt comfort in the nickname only his brother had for him.

Dan smiled as Hayden took a seat on the bed next to him. “I think we’re in a good place now. You’re safe here, I promise.”

Hayden smiled back up at him. “Do you like it here, Danny?”

“So far, I think I do. Do you?”

“Yeah! I get my own room!” the boy said, grinning from ear to ear.

“That’s exciting, isn’t it?” Dan asked, and his brother nodded. “You should go explore!” he said, a weary smile crossing his face.

“Okay!” Hayden said, enthusiastic as he left the room and ran down the stairs. As soon as he was gone, Dan’s face drooped to its natural, exhausted state, and he flopped down on his new bed. The good situation they’d been placed in took a massive weight off his shoulders. Sure, he still had plenty of things he should definitely have been worried about, but his body, relieved of many of his anxieties, simply wanted a rest. Before he could finish a single thought, Dan had drifted off to sleep again.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the next half hour could best be summed up by a compilation of moments with upbeat pop music playing in the background. they were completely comfortable around each other despite having met only a couple hours earlier, changing clothes completely openly in the room. phil even joined in on the fun, both of them modeling phil’s clothes and laughing as they discovered new outfits that phil appeared to be shocked he’d never realized the beauty of before. the entire event was shocking; it was uncommon for men of the time to do anything that could even be considered effeminate, which a fashion show would definitely qualify as, but the two of them were completely willing to entertain such an idea. neither of them even thought a bit of it, although they had a complete understanding of the world around them by that stage in their lives. they both had such a philosophy that fun had no definition, and they had a hell of a time in those clothes.

Dan woke up to a shout from downstairs. “Dan! Hayden! Dinner!”

Dan rubbed his eyes and forced his lanky body off the bed. He made his way out of the room and met Hayden at the top of the stairs. “This house is super cool!” he said, a bit loud for Dan’s sleepy brain.

“I’m glad you’re enjoying it.” When they reached the bottom of the stairs, Dan paused. “Where’s the dining room?”

“Over here,” Hayden said, practically bursting out of his skin from excitement.. Dan followed his brother through a modest living room with a couch, a couple armchairs, a fireplace, and a table with a lamp and a radio. The radio excited Dan; one of his favorite pastimes back in London was sitting in the family room and listening to the radio. Especially in the last few years, it had become an escape from all the issues threatening to attack his happiness. He’d probably get a few different stations in the new location, but that would be half the fun.

He followed Hayden through the kitchen and into a modest dining room, containing a table with six seats. There were a few family photos and old paintings around the room, which Dan gave a glance before he sat down beside his brother.

In strutted a tall boy with red hair, who Dan assumed was Phil. He jumped when he saw Dan and Hayden; apparently he wasn’t expecting them.

“Phil, this is Dan and Hayden,” Margo said, her tone making it increasingly obvious that he had no clue they were coming. “They’re from London.”

“Remember when we discussed taking in evacuees a while ago?” Harold added. 

“Oh, yes, of course,” Phil said, his tone neutral. “I’m Phil,” he said, extending a hand to the each of them.

“Dan,” he said, and shook his hand. Phil flashed him a bit of a smile, and Dan returned it. He had eyes that seemed to be a mix of color, full of happiness and life. His eyes told Dan the world was his oyster.

“Hayden!” his brother said, excitedly, viciously grabbing his hand and giving it a shake.

Phil laughed, pulling his hand away. “Nice to meet you both,” he said, taking a seat on the other side of Dan.

Margo got up and walked towards the kitchen, and Dan took a moment to examine the table; there were bread rolls and green beans sitting out, as well as cups and a pitcher of water. Margo returned from the kitchen with a covered platter and set it on the table, opening it to reveal a whole, cooked chicken.

“Oh, Margo, you shouldn’t have!” Dan exclaimed. “That must have cost you so many rations, especially with Christmas just passing, and all.”

“Oh, it’s nothing,” Margo said, waving her hand. “It’s the least we could do for such a special day. Besides, rations here aren’t nearly as strict as you’re used to in the city.”

“Are you sure?” Dan asked, feeling purely awkward.

“Absolutely.”

And so they ate. Dan still couldn’t help but feel guilty; their Christmas dinner back in London had cost a few days’ worth of rations, and they’d been eating leftovers ever since. Dan hoped rations truly went further in the countryside.

“Are you receiving our rations now?” Dan asked, the issue still plaguing his mind.

“Not yet, but once the government gets your location, we should start receiving them,” Harold said.

“That should be very soon,” Margo chimed in, maternal intuition obviously showing her Dan’s concern.

“Good,” Dan said, satisfied with that answer.

There was silence for a moment before Harold turned to look at Phil. “There’s still an hour of daylight left; you should take Dan out to the pasture and show him around the driver’s seat of the truck.” He then made eye contact with Dan. “If you’re up for it, of course.”

Dan looked back and forth between the two of them, both of whom seemed to be eager for the task. “Absolutely!” Dan exclaimed. He wasn’t quite as excited as his tone made him out to be, but he was a bit excited to get behind the wheel. Dan had never even imagined himself getting his license, but driving did seem like loads of fun, and he couldn’t hit anything in an open field. Besides, it couldn’t hurt to get to know the boy he’d be living with for a while.

As soon as dinner was finished, the boys took off. Dan threw on the jacket he realized was all he had, and he still found it a bit chilly, but he would survive.

“Hop in the passenger seat and I’ll drive us to an open area,” Phil said. Dan did as he said, and they were on their way. Dan watched Phil’s hands as he drove, trying to determine the intricacies of the activity before being thrown into it himself. “Here we are,” Phil said, reaching a plateau in the land. “This is where my father first taught me to drive. You want to switch?”

Dan nodded, and they each jumped out of the truck to switch sides. “So, the accelerator is on the right, and the brake is in the middle. Hit it slowly, or else it’ll jerk like mad.” Phil said. He looked at Dan’s shoes and pajama pants for a moment, then up to his pajama shirt and mismatching jacket. “Are those the only clothes you have?” Dan nodded. “I’ll take you to my room when we get back and see if we can find you any of my clothes to wear. We seem about the same size. I don’t know what we can do for... Hayden?” Phil hesitated before coming up with his name, and Dan nodded to confirm he was right.

“That’s very generous; thank you, Phil.”

“Of course; I couldn’t imagine being in your situation.”

“It’s been a little rough, but I don’t think the reality of it all has hit me yet. I’m just trying to be here for Hayden.”

“I’ve never had a sibling, but I can understand that. If you need anything-any help at all-just let me know.”

Dan smiled, genuinely touched by Phil’s generosity. “Thank you, Phil, truly.” They smiled at each other for a moment. Phil’s multicolored eyes glimmered in the sunset, his red hair fiery and freckles gleaming. Dan couldn’t help but wonder where he’d gotten them; both his parents were typical brunettes. Dan probably looked more like their son than Phil.

“Back to the driving?” Phil asked, breaking the silence.

“Oh, yes of course!” Dan exclaimed, being brought out of a trance he couldn’t explain.

Within minutes, Dan was cruising through the field. He was sure he wouldn’t be so comfortable trying to park, reverse, or even drive on a road, but he sure could put his foot to the accelerator. Time passed quickly, and before they knew it, the sun had gone down over the hill, and the world around them was beginning to darken.

“We should head back,” Phil said. “Park over by that tree, and I’ll drive us back down.” It wasn’t difficult for Dan to discern what tree Phil was referencing; there was only one as far as the eye could see, up on top of a hill. Dan gassed it up to the top, then slammed on the brakes. The truck jerked to a stop, throwing them both nearly out of their seats and then right back in. They both came down laughing.

“You’ll get better at that,” Phil said, opening his door.

After they got back to the house and greeted Margo and Harold, Dan followed Phil to his room, where he immediately took to his closet. Dan took a moment to look around the room; on the dresser were a few family photos, and there were some old soldier toys discarded in the corner. Other than that, the room was excessively bland for someone with such a vibrant personality as Phil.

“We’ve got two options here,” Phil said. “Either we can do this like civilized adults, and you can pick out what you want and either we can share it or you can have it depending on what it is, or we can take advantage of this and have some fun for once.”

Dan raised an eyebrow. “I’m intrigued.”

“We could spend our evening modelling my clothes like we’re going to sell them or 1,000 pounds.”

“Now that’s an idea. Where’s my first outfit?”

The next half hour could best be summed up by a compilation of moments with upbeat pop music playing in the background. They were completely comfortable around each other despite having met only a couple hours earlier, changing clothes completely openly in the room. Phil even joined in on the fun, both of them modeling Phil’s clothes and laughing as they discovered new outfits that Phil appeared to be shocked he’d never realized the beauty of before. The entire event was shocking; it was uncommon for men of the time to do anything that could even be considered effeminate, which a fashion show would definitely qualify as, but the two of them were completely willing to entertain such an idea. Neither of them even thought a bit of it, although they had a complete understanding of the world around them by that stage in their lives. They both had such a philosophy that fun had no definition, and they had a hell of a time in those clothes.

“So you’ll take that pile and we’ll share this one?” Phil asked, looking to Dan for confirmation.

Dan stuck his hand out, and Phil took it. “Sounds like a deal.”

Dan took his pile back to his room and flung himself on his bed. The situation he had found himself in was far better than any he had imagined a mere few hours ago. He had originally been terrified that he’d find himself in a situation with someone else his age, but now that he’d met Phil, he thought he may even be able to find a new friend in the boy. It was comforting, extremely so, to know that he wouldn’t be completely alone in this new place; he could only hope Hayden would find the same.

Although Dan still missed his mother and his home city of London dearly, he felt as if life was finally beginning to look up for him, and that was more encouragement than he could ever have asked for. He looked at the picture of him with his parents and gave a weak smile. Things would get better, gradually, and one day he would come home.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the next morning, dan awoke to hayden jumping up and down on the foot of his bed. “it’s snowing, danny! it’s snowing!” dan leaned forward and looked out the window, and it was indeed snowing. in fact, there was already enough snow on the ground that dan could only see the tall grass in the field.

The next morning, Dan awoke to Hayden jumping up and down on the foot of his bed. “It’s snowing, Danny! It’s snowing!” Dan leaned forward and looked out the window, and it was indeed snowing. In fact, there was already enough snow on the ground that Dan could only see the tall grass in the field.

Hayden ran out of Dan’s room, and he could hear the boy pouncing down the stairs. Dan rolled his eyes, grinning as he slid out of bed and followed his brother downstairs. “It’s snowing!” Hayden said to Margo in the kitchen, beaming from ear to ear.

“It is! It’s a mighty nice snow too.”

“Can we go play in the snow?”

She bit her lip for a moment, glancing at Harold, who was at the table eating breakfast. “Do we have anything in his size?” she asked.

He glanced up at her. “I’m sure we can figure something out.”

“So we can go outside?” Hayden asked?

“After breakfast,” Dan chimed in from the doorway. “You need to get some energy before you go outside in that cold,” he said, pulling out a chair at the table for him to sit in.

“What’s all the ruckus about?” said a voice from behind Dan. He turned around to see Phil in the doorway, his hair messy from sleep.

“Sorry to wake you, Phil; Hayden’s just excited over the snow.”

“Can’t blame him!” Phil exclaimed. “I love snow.” He glanced over at Dan. “I’ve got an extra snowsuit if you want to go out.”

“I’d love to!”

“Do you have any old, smaller ones?” his mother asked.

“I might just have one that’ll work for you,” he said, ruffling Hayden’s hair.

The five of them ate breakfast and bantered. Dan was amazed by how easily they blended into the family; he honestly couldn’t have asked for a better foster family. “Let’s suit up!” Phil shouted as he finished his sausage. He and Hayden ran off upstairs, and Dan couldn’t help but smile. Children-both of them.

Within half an hour, Phil and Hayden were making snow angels. Dan, however, immediately noticed the packability of the snow and used that to his advantage in making a snowball to launch at Phil. Said snowball hit him square in the chest, and he sat up, offended. “Do you really want to do that?”

Dan simply bent down, made another snowball, and launched. And then began the only good war Dan had ever seen. Hayden made up a snowball and threw it at Dan as well, which Dan declared treason to the family. The three hurled snowballs at each other for what felt like hours before finally falling in the snow, exhausted. “Dan,” Hayden said, waddling over to him in his suit that was still a bit too big. “I’m cold.”

“Go on inside, Hayden. We’ll probably be there soon.”

Dan peeled himself off the snowy ground, wiping off the layer of dust that had formed on his suit and walking over to Phil. He extended a hand to his fallen opponent. “Truce?” Phil took the hand, and Dan pulled him up.

“Truce,” he said. They shook hands and returned to the warmth of the house.

After Hayden had been warmed up and taken to playing cards with Harold, Margo made Dan and Phil some hot cider to sip by the fire. They each took a seat in the armchairs and Phil turned on the radio. It was tuned to a news station, and they listened for a moment. “There’s no mention of the war or any bombings today,” Phil said. “Guess no news is good news.”

Dan nodded as he began tuning the radio to a different station. “Which is your favorite?”

“I personally listen to the news station a lot, but I like the jazz music.”

“Oh, I do as well. At the London station, they have some nice talk shows. Something comforting for a bad night. And believe me, I’ve had a lot of those.”

“I can imagine.”

Dan made eye contact with the redhead sitting on the other side of the radio from him. “Thanks for being so open to Hayden, by the way. I really appreciate how welcoming you’re being to him.”

“Of course. And the same to you. I’ve never really had someone my age to just...talk...to.”

“You know,” Dan said, trailing off. “Neither have I.”

“Well, then it’s settled!” Phil said. “You and me, we’re gonna talk.”

Dan couldn’t help but laugh at this. “What do you mean, talk? That sounds menacing.”

“Just about life! Any time one of needs to talk, we can talk.”

“You mean... friends?”

“Yeah!” Phil smiled toothily. “We’re gonna be friends.”

Dan laughed, ignoring the pain in his stomach telling him something was off about that proposal, although he couldn’t quite identify it. “Friends it is.”


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it was odd for dan; he’d had friends for years in london, yet he wasn’t sure if he connected with any of them the same way he connected with phil. although their roots were completely different, they were both thrown into the same situation with someone they didn’t know, and they were both managing to make the best of it. they were having the same struggle, in a way, despite their many differences. somehow, it felt as if they were dancing away all their troubles.

The two ‘friends’ spent the next few days sitting by the radio. Every now and then, when they felt playful, they’d dance around the living room to a particularly danceable jazz song. It was odd for Dan; he’d had friends for years in London, yet he wasn’t sure if he connected with any of them the same way he connected with Phil. Although their roots were completely different, they were both thrown into the same situation with someone they didn’t know, and they were both managing to make the best of it. They were having the same struggle, in a way, despite their many differences. Somehow, it felt as if they were dancing away all their troubles.

And they had plenty of them. Every now and then they’d hear about another battle, or another air raid, and Dan couldn’t help but think about his mother still in London. He could tell Phil knew what was going on in his head; Phil stared at him every time they mentioned London, but he wouldn’t say a word. He didn’t have a word to say. They were in the same place then, but Phil hadn’t a clue what Dan was truly really going through.

He heard constantly about these things, and he felt forced to keep them from Hayden so as to not worry him. There was no reason for him to tell Hayden in the first place, yet he still felt like he was withholding information. Every time he heard anything, he had to convince himself that his mother was okay and that everything would work itself out eventually. He wasn’t doing a very good job of it.

At that point, it was almost as if Dan’s life was separated into two segments: the jazzy dancing and the solemn, wartime news.

When the time came for Dan and Hayden to start school with Phil, Dan was almost relieved. He’d enjoyed spending the last few days with Phil, but being glued to the radio listening for news was starting to get the best of him. Fear was consuming his life, and he needed to get back to being productive; school was probably the best way to do that.

Of course, school brought a whole new set of fears. He had to meet new people, and start new classes. And, worst of all, he and Phil weren’t in the same year, so he wouldn’t have anyone to back him up. He was completely alone, and, almost more terrifying in Dan’s mind, so was Hayden.

As Harold drove them to school the first day, Dan was a mix of excitement and pure anxiety. They dropped Hayden off at primary school first before making their way to secondary, where both Dan and Phil would go. From fireside conversations, Dan had gathered that Phil was in his last year at secondary, while Dan still had one more left.

By the time they left the truck, Dan was pure terror, but Phil stayed by his side the entire time, even making sure to show him around to where his classes would be until the bell rang. After that, Dan was on his own.

“How was the morning?” Phil asked, finding Dan in the crowd at lunch.

“Not that bad, really. Compared to my school in London, this place is practically deserted.”

“Welcome to country life,” Phil said in an American southern accent.

Dan couldn’t help but laugh at that. Phil introduced Dan to his friends, all of whom seemed just as good-hearted as Phil was. For the entire lunch hour, they talked and laughed, Dan included as if he’d been a part of the group for years. After lunch, his classes all seemed just a little bit brighter.

“Danny! Danny! I made a friend!” Hayden shouted as Dan and Phil came through the doorway into the house.

“You did?” Dan asked as Hayden embraced him.

“I did! His name is Paul and he used to live in London too!”

“That’s amazing! I’m glad you had a good first day at school.”

“How was your day, boys?” Margo asked, coming up behind Hayden.

“It was good,” both of them muttered at the same time, in typical teenage fashion.

“That’s good,” she said, somewhat satisfied as she left to the kitchen.

All three of the boys retired to the living room and turned on the radio. Phil invited Hayden to dance as Dan looked on with a smile.

It seemed as if every fear he’d had about the situation he’d been thrown into had been completely alleviated by Phil. He’d made Hayden feel welcome, he’d made Dan feel welcome, and Dan even felt as if he really had made a friend. Everything he thought would come out of the relocation had been the exact opposite, and he couldn’t have been more thankful. As he watched his brother look happier than he’d seen him in years while dancing with his new friend, Dan couldn’t help but feel like maybe life on the countryside could be even better than life in London.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a mere few months ago, the world seemed to him to be so dark that the stars must have been a ruse, but now he sat on the countryside and admired them for what they were: a fantastically put together puzzle of distant, beautiful sparkles. there were more of them than dan could ever count, and each one was a bit different. it was awe inspiring.

Winter passed slowly but surely. It was the worst winter Dan could remember, weather-wise; it never went a week without a significant snowfall. Dan was aching to get back out and learn more about driving from Phil, but the ground was always to slick, too wet, or too... white.

The snow didn’t stop Dan from enjoying the winter, though. He, Phil, and Hayden routinely made a trip outside to have a snowball fight; by the end of the season, their board had a victory county showing Hayden topping both the older boys by five matches. They would’ve been a bit embarrassed, but they had to admit they let him win once or twice.

In January, Phil’s eighteenth birthday had come and gone. Dan, as he tended to be, was scared that Phil would suddenly mature and abandon him in childhood. The party rolled around, and they spent some extra rations to bake a cake. A few of Phil’s friends were invited over, but Dan was close with them, so it didn’t bother him.

So why was he so scared of being left out? Something in him was convincing him that when the party was over he and his friends would go out for a smoke or a drink and leave the young Dan behind. Dan was a bit sick of being left behind.

But as the party came to a close, the boys gathered around the radio and danced just as Dan and Phil would always do. They jumped and jigged around as if they were in a bar, but without the alcohol. Dan, his entire life, had been a boy forced to act like a men. These were men acting like boys. In that time, Dan decided the world needed more of those.

As the winter droned on, Dan and Phil grew closer and closer at fireside, to the point where they spent almost every weekend night up talking until at least midnight. By the end of February, Dan felt as if Phil must have been the closest friend he’d ever had. There was a certain bond between them that he had never felt with anyone else, something that made them almost inseparable.

When March came around and the snow began to melt, Dan couldn’t wait to return to the one thing that brought them together on the first night they met: driving.

In reality, they could’ve been driving throughout the winter, but they were both a bit intimidated by the weather. Dan could barely drive when it was warm and sunny; he definitely didn’t need a harder course.

So when the birds began to chirp and the grass grew green, their first after dinner activity was to hop behind the wheel.

“Do you even remember how to do this?” Phil asked.

“Uh,” Dan stuttered, searching for the ignition. “I don’t think I did this part last time.”

“Oh, that’s right,” Phil said. “You do think you can handle driving up the hill without taking out any fences, don’t you?”

Dan jokingly stared off into the distance to appear in deep thought. “You know, I think I’ll be okay.”

“Just turn the key.”

Dan did as he was told and the truck revved to a start. Dan shifted it into drive and slowly put his foot on the gas. He carefully maneuvered his way through the fencing up towards the tree on the hill, picking up speed once he reached the slope. It wasn’t long before he peaked the hill and rolled to a lazy stop a bit too close to the tree for comfort.

“That could’ve gone a lot worse,” Phil said, and they both laughed.

They drove around the field for a bit longer, Phil teaching Dan more fundamentals of driving. Every now and then he’d ask a question Phil wouldn’t know the answer to, and Dan would laugh at him. He’d lightly hit him, throwing the truck slightly off course, and respond with, “This is why I don’t have my license yet.” Eventually the sun set, and Dan asked if they should return back to the house.

“Actually, let’s head back to the tree,” Phil said, his freckles smiling in the dark of night. “It’s a beautiful night.”

Dan drove the truck back up to the tree, and Phil hopped out and jogged over to it. “Turn off the headlights!” he shouted, and Dan turned the truck off and ran after him.

“What’re you doing?”

“Climbing the tree, of course!”

Dan couldn’t help but smile at him. “Why?”

“I did it all the time when I was a kid; the view up here is fantastic!”

Phil was already halfway up the budding tree and quickly approaching the only branch Dan thought could hold his weight. He truly did seem to be an expert at the sport, reaching the branch within the next ten seconds.

“What’re you waiting for?” he asked, gesturing in the dark for Dan to climb up behind him.

“I can barely see!”

“That’s half the fun!” Dan couldn’t see much, but he could see Phil’s toothy smile. He sighed and carefully, and quite slowly, made his way up behind Phil. His entire body shook as he inched his way up the tree, and his awkward limbs were hugging the trunk as he reached Phil’s branch.

“Well, scoot over then,” he said, and Phil gracefully moved just enough to leave room for Dan to remain near the comfort of the trunk. Dan all too carefully sat himself down beside Phil, and his body finally began to relax. He looked around, his eyes beginning to adjust to the darkness. He could see rolling hills and a glimmering array of lights in the distance. “Where is that?”

“That’s the town, where our school is. Isn’t it wild?”

“You know, Phil, it is.” Dan directed his attention to the stars overhead, blocked only by a few bare branches. “Wow,” he said. “Look at the stars.”

“They’re really nice, aren’t they?” Phil asked peacefully. He seemed to suddenly come out of his lulled trance and turned towards Dan. “You didn’t see them much in London, did you?”

Dan bit his lip, thinking back to his last night in the city. “Only once.” He shuddered at the thought. Yet, as he thought more about it, he warmed up to it. A mere few months ago, the world seemed to him to be so dark that the stars must have been a ruse, but now he sat on the countryside and admired them for what they were: a fantastically put together puzzle of distant, beautiful sparkles. There were more of them than he could ever count, and each one was a bit different. It was awe inspiring.

“Well, I’m glad you can see them now,” Phil said, throwing his arm over Dan’s shoulder and shaking him around a bit.

“Phil, we’re on a branch!”

“Relax, it’s fine; I promise.” He pulled Dan a bit closer, and Dan rested his head on the taller boy’s shoulder. “I’ve got you.”

They sat on that branch for a few moments, sharing body heat and admiring the world around them. Dan couldn’t help but enjoy the position; he liked having Phil close to him a bit more than he’d have liked to admit. The embrace inspired a some more thoughts that he decided best to push down for the time being. Dan was deep in his own thoughts when suddenly Phil fell out of his grasp.

“Phil!” Dan shouted, his heart rate spiking.

“Down here!” he shouted. “It’s not a bad jump; I do it all the time!”

“Yeah, well, I’ll climb down.”

“Suit yourself.”

The two drove back down to the house and slid inside silently, as it appeared Hayden had already gone to bed.

They waved to Margo and Harold listening to the radio and made their way up the stairs, each giving a quiet goodnight and going their separate ways into their rooms. Dan put on his pajamas and climbed into bed, but he didn’t sleep for a while. He had repressed a few thoughts on the tree branch, and he decided it was about time that he pull them back out.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> dan’s eyes hurt when he woke up the next morning. he was honestly quite annoyed, simply because the sting was a reminder of the tears he’d cried the previous night. and the tears reminded him of the reason for the tears. and he didn’t want to remember that.

Dan’s eyes hurt when he woke up the next morning. He was honestly quite annoyed, simply because the sting was a reminder of the tears he’d cried the previous night. And the tears reminded him of the reason for the tears. And he didn’t want to remember that. He didn’t want to remember realizing he had feelings for Phil. He didn’t want to remember realizing he was gay. But those things, in and of themselves, he could live with. Dan had been through hell and back in the last year. His father had gone off to war, he was forced to abandon his mother in London and take responsibility for his eight-year-old brother, and he left his entire life behind for a new place. Through all that, if he could find happiness in love, he couldn’t care less who it was with or whether they were a man or a woman. In Dan’s mind, although he still wasn’t exactly sure he could consider it ‘normal’, he had much more important things to worry about than his sexuality.

The part that hurt him was the fact that he knew Phil didn’t return his feelings. Hell, why would he? Dan had never met a single gay person in his life; why would that start now? So he was left to suffer, in love with his best friend who would never love him back.

At that point, Dan didn’t really want to drag himself out of bed, but he didn’t have much of a choice. He had to get up, put on a fake smile, and act like nothing was wrong. It was all he could do.

Dan wore that fake smile for a few days, and then it faded. Things were back to normal between the boys, but something still bothered Dan below the surface. Even through Dan’s occasional doubts, the boys managed to grow closer and closer over the next month. They still sat by the radio on the colder nights, and they still went out driving on the warmer nights. Time passed quickly for Dan, and suddenly Easter was upon them.

“Every year, in town, they host a massive Easter egg hunt. People come from all over the country to participate because it’s one of the only competitive Easter egg hunts in the UK where people of all ages can participate,” Phil explained as Dan climbed up the tree to take his seat beside him. Over time, Dan had grown more comfortable with the tree, even as it grew more difficult to climb as leaves began to grow on its branches.

“That actually sounds like a lot of fun.” 

“You should enter the teen contest with me!” 

“You can enter as teams?” 

“Well, not technically, but we can help each other. The winner gets 100 pounds!”

“Woah! Hell yeah!”

“Team Dan and Phil,” Phil said, handing out a hand for Dan to shake. 

Dan took it firmly, a competitive glint in his eye as he stared into Phil’s. “Team Dan and Phil.”

Easter rolled around before they knew it, and the boys walked into the egg hunt sporting their Sunday best.

“Have fun, and remember--there are no alliances in the egg hunt!” the announcer proclaimed, and Dan glanced at Phil, who gave a nod to affirm that they were definitely going to do it anyway. “On your marks!” They took their marks at the start line, each of them eyeing the area ahead of them to see if they could spot any eggs. “Get set!” Dan spotted an egg in the distance and prepared his body for a sprint. “GO!” 

Dan was streaking through the grass toward the egg. It was balanced on a tree limb about fifty feet away from him, and his eyes were focused solely on it. In fact, he was focused so intently on the egg that he didn’t notice his left shoe fall off, and he definitely didn’t notice the sprinkler in the lawn that sent him tumbling. 

“Dan, are you okay?” Phil asked, appearing over him. 

“Leave me! Get the egg!” he shouted, pointing to the tree, now only a mere ten second run away. Phil ran off to collect Dan’s spot, and Dan rolled onto his back and moaned in pain. 

“It’ll be a miracle if I have a big toenail after this,” he said, looking at his sock, which appeared a little bloody. 

“I got the egg!” said Phil, reappearing. His smile suddenly turned to a frown as he looked at Dan’s foot. “Good God! You’re bleeding!” 

“I’m giving it my all,” he said, reaching out helplessly towards Phil. “Help me up?” 

Phil sighed and reluctantly pulled Dan to his feet. He winced a bit as he took a step, putting weight on his bleeding toe. “Are you sure you want to keep going?”

“Of course! Let’s win that money.” 

“You go left, I go right,” Phil said, and Dan nodded, losing his other shoe and running off. This time he took caution to glance down every few seconds. After a couple moments, Dan hadn’t managed to find a single egg. And then, glancing at the tree he’d seen the first egg in, he had an idea.

He ran over to the tree and was about halfway up to the highest supportive branch he could see when Phil arrived. “What the hell are you doing?”

“Getting a new perspective.” 

“Whatever you say,” Phil said, walking over to pick up an egg hidden a few feet away in a tuft of grass. 

“Over there!” Dan shouted from the top of the tree. “There’s one in the flower bed!” 

The two went on working together to gain eggs until Dan’s legs grew tired and he couldn’t find any more eggs. “Coming down!” Dan yelled, moving back towards the trunk.

“Be careful, Dan, you’re in socks,” Phil warned, moving towards him. 

“Relax, I’m a pro at this now!” Dan waved his hand to signal the insignificance of the situation before placing his foot in a hole in the trunk. “Ah!” he screamed at the top of his lungs.

“What’s wrong?!” 

“It stings! There’s something in this hole! Ouch!” Dan pulled his foot out of the hole to reveal a pile of fire ants on his foot. He screamed again at the sight and lost balance, falling towards Phil.

Phil gasped, dropping his egg basket and trying but failing to catch Dan. Soon they were both on the ground, and Dan was on top of Phil’s egg basket.

On any normal occasion Dan would’ve checked to see if Phil was okay, but at that point he was set on getting the fire ants off his foot. He leaped up and started jumping around, eventually tearing his sock off and throwing it at least ten feet away from him.

“Great. One bloody foot and one numb foot. Every man’s dream,” Dan muttered, limping back over to Phil, who was up and dusting himself off. “Are you okay?” he asked.

“Yeah, but the eggs aren’t,” Phil said, gesturing to the pile of yolk in the grass. 

“Guess that’s on my back, huh?” 

“Yup.” 

“Hey Phil?” 

“Yeah, Dan?” 

“Let’s go home.”


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> they looked into each other’s eyes for a split second, and dan caught a glimpse of phil’s eyes. he’d grown used to them, and it was the first time since they’d first met that he’d truly taken in the beauty of his eyes. even in the dark, he could see the yellow glint that shone through the blues and greens he knew blended into the tiny orbs in front of him.

“I can’t believe you managed to fall out of a tree, get bitten by fire ants, and break an entire toenail in a matter of fifteen minutes,” Phil laughed as he walked into Dan’s room with a breakfast tray the next morning.

“Don’t remind me,” Dan joked, rolling his eyes. He’d been awake for a while, but his foot had swelled to almost double its size, and he couldn’t bear to put any weight on it. “Thanks,” he added sincerely as Phil set the tray on his lap.

Phil flung himself on the bed beside Dan and grinned cheekily at him. “First day of Spring Break. What do you want to do?”

Dan was a bit taken aback by this. “It’s your last year! You haven’t made any plans with your friends?”

“Nope! You’re the only friend I want to hang out with this spring break. Besides, there’s two weeks of it! If we get sick of each other by the end of the week, I can spend next week with my friends.” 

“Jeez,” Dan said, stopping to think about it. “I think I’d go mad if you left for a week.” 

“So, what’s the plan?” 

“There really isn’t much of a plan; I can’t even walk!” Dan said. 

A puzzled look appeared on Phil’s face. “This is true.” He turned abruptly and left Dan’s room, leaving him to burst out laughing at the impromptu exit. “I’ll be back!” he heard Phil say as he made his way down the hallway.

Dan sighed and took a bite of his toast. He definitely wanted to spend spring break with Phil, but he could barely move, and as much as he loved sitting by the radio with Phil, he didn’t want to do it for--however long it took to heal fire ant bites.

“Hey, Dan!” Phil said, peering his head into Dan’s room. Dan jumped, almost knocking over his glass of milk. “Sorry,” Phil said, chuckling as his cheeks blushed a bit. “Mum sent me with some ice for your foot. Said it’ll make the swelling go down.” Phil set the ice pack down on his foot, and an icy, wet rush of pain shot through him. He winced, and Phil immediately went wide-eyed. “Are you okay?” 

“Yeah, peachy keen,” he said through gritted teeth. 

“I’m sorry...” he trailed off, glancing to Dan’s empty tray. “I’ll take that downstairs for you and be right back!” he said with a smile. 

After he left, Dan took a deep breath and calmed himself from the pain of the cold on his foot. He could tell Phil felt horrible about what happened to him, and he couldn’t help but feel bad about it himself. It wasn’t Phil’s fault Dan decided to shove his foot in a mysterious hole in a tree.

Dan heard Phil’s footsteps coming up the stairs, and a moment later he was back in his doorway. “Do you want to do something?”

Dan just stared at him for a moment before cracking a smile. “Do what?”

“I don’t know...” Phil said, rubbing his toe into the carpet. “Listen to the radio?” 

“Sure, but it’ll take me a while to get down the stairs.”

Phil contemplated that, biting his lip a bit. “I can carry you?”

Dan couldn’t help but laugh at that. “Carry me? Phil, we’re practically the same weight.”

“Come on, jump on my back!” 

He walked over to the side of the bed where Dan was sitting and leaned over, exposing his back for Dan to climb onto. Dan raised an eyebrow at this, even though Phil couldn’t see it. “Are you sure about this?”

Phil nodded, and Dan pushed his weight onto Phil’s back. He heard a grunt from underneath him as Phil bent to a position Dan was confident human spines weren’t supposed to, and Phil straighted up, Dan clinging on for dear life. “I cannot believe this is actually working.”

“I’m stronger than you think,” Phil said, grinning as he made his way slowly down the steps. After about thirty seconds, they reached the living room, and Phil slung Dan down in his usual chair. 

“Ouch! I’m a human being, not a rag doll.” 

“Suck it up; you’re a big boy,” Phil said absentmindedly as he turned on the radio to their favorite jazz station. 

The two sat in silence listening to the radio for hours, with only the occasional conversation. Hayden popped in once or twice wanting to go play outside and then immediately remembering Dan was immobile for the day and leaving, appearing disappointed. In all honesty, Dan was bored out of his mind, but even just having Phil’s presence made the day a bit less miserable, so he wouldn’t even think of mentioning his boredom. Phil even brought him lunch and carried him to the dinner table and back. All these gestures didn’t exactly help him fall out of love with Phil, but they sure did help him get through the day.

The sun had set, Dan was full from dinner, and he was sitting in his armchair, fully content with his day. Jazz played in the background, filling out his warm, cozy world.

But then the jazz suddenly stopped.

“We interrupt your program to bring you breaking news from London.” Dan leaned forward in his chair and glanced at Phil, both of them immediately alert. “We’ve just received word that bombs have fallen on the city for the first time in over a month; if the current pattern continues, it may very well be the worst bombing since the Second Great Fire of London on 29 December of last year.” 

The man kept talking, but Dan didn’t hear him. Dan only heard the sounds of bombs falling and foundations rattling. His warm, jazzy haven had been destroyed by the explosives dropping on his previous home. It was as if every horrific memory he’d ever had from the city was rushing back into him at once along with fear for his mother’s life, and it was overwhelming him.

Dan’s eyes darted wildly around the room, and everything was shaking. The chandelier on the ceiling was rattling from the bombs he heard overhead, and Phil was in front of him, bobbing up and down along with the rest of the house.

“No-no-no-no-” Dan mumbled in between rushed breaths, his body rocking back and forth.

“Dan!” He heard a shout off in the distance. It sounded like Phil, but Phil was standing right in front of him. More explosions went off, and they sounded closer than the last. 

“Not here. Not here too!” 

“Dan! Come on, let’s get you out of here!” Phil picked Dan up and slung him over his shoulder, carrying him outside into the cool April darkness.

“No! We can’t go outside! The bombs! Hayden!” 

“It’s okay, Dan, it’s okay.” Phil said, his breaths speeding up as well as he ran to dump Dan in the passenger seat of his truck. 

Dan looked around the vehicle for a moment before hearing another blast go off. He shrieked and attempted to hide himself under the glove box, the small area acting as his only protection from the bombs falling all around him. He heard a door open, and then Phil was in the driver’s seat beside him. “Get up, Dan, it’s okay.”

“We shouldn’t be here. We’re going to get hurt.” 

“No we’re not, Dan.” Another bomb went off, but it sounded more distant. “I promise.” 

“But-the bombs-” Dan eked out, his voice rattling. 

“There are no bombs. It’s okay. You’re safe.” 

When he heard that, it was as if Dan snapped out of a trance, but the remnants still made him feel queasy. “There’s no bombs?” he asked, the sounds of the explosions having disappeared.

“Nope. Not here, at least.” 

Dan took a deep breath and climbed back into the seat. He looked down at his shaking hands and then over to Phil, who was halfway up the hill towards the tree.”

“I’m sorry. I don’t know what happened.” 

“Don’t be sorry. It’s not your fault. Just try to relax yourself back into the real world.” 

Dan looked around, taking in the minor details of the truck’s dashboard and watching the blades of grass become illuminated by the headlights. Everything seemed to be moving slower than it was supposed to.

Dan felt a lurch as Phil stopped the truck by the tree and got out. Dan opened the door and hopped out himself, immediately feeling a sharp pain in his foot. “Ah!” He jumped on his other foot and put all his weight back against the truck. “Fuck. I forgot about my foot. I think it’s just covered in blisters now, and they did not enjoy that.”

“Here,” Phil said, picking Dan up and carrying him over to the truck bed he didn’t notice Phil open. The surface was cold and hard, but Dan was still content solely because his view was of the stars. 

Phil climbed up on the bed beside him and turned his head to face him. “Are you alright? That was really scary.”

“Yeah, I’m okay, I guess,” he said, trying his best not to think about it. “Do you ever look up at the stars and realize that they’re all already dead?” 

“What?” Phil asked, in an outburst of laughter. 

“The light takes so long to reach us that there’s a good chance that most of them have already exploded. Burned out. We just can’t see them yet.” 

“That’s dark.” 

“I learned it in science last year.” 

“Apparently your London schools are better than ours.” 

They sat in silence for a moment. “But really, do you ever look up at the stars and realize that they’re the same stars that are shining over London right now? The stars we look up at and marvel at the beauty of are the same stars that you’d see in London right now after this tragedy, if there was a bit less light and a bit less smoke. That-that did happen, right?” Dan turned to look at Phil, and he nodded. Dan felt a pang in his chest; he was really hoping it was all part of the hallucination. “Can you believe that?”

“The stars?” Dan nodded. “Yeah, I can. I always try to remember to, honestly. Reminds me how small the world truly is. Brings me down to earth, I guess.” 

There was another moment’s silence, each of them lying on their backs and gazing up at the stars.

“I’m cold,” Dan randomly said. “Why is it cold in April?” 

“Do you want to go inside?” 

Dan sat up and glanced down at the house, and he couldn’t help but remember the night’s earlier trauma. “Not really.”

Phil paused, appearing in thought. “Do you want my jacket? I was cold after dinner so I put one on.”

“You don’t have to do that.” 

“Oh well,” he said, taking off his jacket and putting it around Dan’s shoulders. Dan hesitantly slid his arms through the sleeves, and he immediately felt Phil’s warmth around him. 

“Thanks.”

“You know you’re going to have to go back down there eventually, right?” Phil asked, rolling over to face Dan.

Dan turned to face him. “We’ve only been here for ten minutes!”

“Still.” 

Dan sighed. “I know. I just...” he trailed off, not even sure what to say. “It’s got bad memories now. You wouldn’t understand.”

He tried to roll back over, but Phil grabbed his arm and pulled him back. “Of course I do. I don’t have memories like yours, but I do have bad memories. I mean, do you really think I’m ready to go back to the Easter egg hunt next year?” Dan chuckled, but he still refused to make eye contact with Phil.

“I don’t know anymore. It’s just been so long.” 

“I know. No news is good news.” 

“Exactly. They waited until London let their guard down and then they struck. Everyone in the city had gone back to their lives; they’d repressed the memories, just as I had. If that happened to me, I can’t even begin to imagine what happened to them...or to my mum...” 

By this point, Dan was struggling to hold back tears, and Phil took immediate notice. “Dan...” he whispered, pulling him closer with the sound of clothing scraping against the truck bed.

In Phil’s arms, Dan finally broke. “I was doing so well!” he bawled into Phil’s shoulder. “E-everything has been so g-great for the last few months, a-and now I’m f-f-f-f-falling apart.”

“It’s okay, Dan. It’s only human.” Phil let Dan sob into his shirt for a while. Eventually the tears ceased and Dan raised his head, finding himself a mere inch or two from Phil’s face. Phil pressed his forehead against Dan’s. “You’re okay. You’re safe here.” 

They looked into each other’s eyes for a split second, and Dan caught a glimpse of Phil’s eyes. He’d grown used to them, and it was the first time since they’d first met that he’d truly taken in the beauty of his eyes. Even in the dark, he could see the yellow glint that shone through the blues and greens he knew blended into the tiny orbs in front of him. And then, suddenly, under the array of stars, their lips connected.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> dan gasped, rushing over to hayden and pulling him in his arms. he involuntarily shoved dan back, and dan went clattering against the table leg. tears welled up in dan’s eyes, his breathing becoming fast as he heard the faint sound of bombs in the distance.

Phil jumped back, clinging to the wall of the truck bed. “That wasn’t supposed to happen!” he exclaimed, wide-eyed.

“Phil, it’s okay. I like you.” 

He blushed for a moment, appearing to let his guard down, before suddenly panicking again. “Well I-I can’t like you!”

“Why not?” 

“I just can’t, okay?” he asked, leaping up from the truck bed. 

“Where are you going?” Dan asked, sitting up. 

“Somewhere you can’t go.” Dan watched him walk towards the tree trunk and begin to climb it. 

Dan exhaled and sat himself on the edge of the truck bed. He shrugged Phil’s jacket off and took his shirt off, his bare chest shivering in the cold. He tied the shirt around his injured foot and put Phil’s jacket back on to keep warm. Carefully, he stood up, putting the least possible weight on his foot, and hobbled over to the tree. He took a deep breath and started climbing. Every step he took on his foot hurt as much as the bites themselves, but he had to power through and reach the branch he knew Phil would be sitting on.

“You didn’t really think you were going to get rid of me that easy, did you?” 

Phil sighed and slid a couple inches down the branch away from Dan. “I don’t want to talk to you right now.”

“You do know you’re my ride.” 

Phil sighed. “Then let’s go back down.” He hopped off the branch, and Dan heard the crunch of his feet on the grass walking back to the truck.

The climb back down was somehow more painful than the one going up, but Dan eventually limped his way back to the truck. The two rode back down to the house in silence, and Phil didn’t offer to help Dan back inside or up the stairs.

Each of them went immediately to their rooms, but neither of them slept any time soon. Neither of them knew the course of the other’s evening, but the two were both thinking endlessly about the kiss. Eventually they both ran out of tears to cry and fell asleep.

The next few days were rough for Dan. Each drive to school was filled only by the noise of the truck’s engine, and each evening was spent sitting on opposite sides of the room and listening to the blues. Even Hayden was beginning to notice the rift between the boys.

“Hi, Danny!” he said, running up to him and grabbing his hand. 

“Hi, Hayden,” he replied, putting on the best smile he could, but his tone still conveyed the fact that he was exhausted.

“You look lonely. Do you want to go play cards?” 

Dan smiled genuinely at Hayden for the first time in days. “I’d love to.”

The two spent the next hour laughing and playing cards at the dinner table, and Dan was relieved to finally have some joy back in his life.

“Another win for Hayden!” the boy exclaimed, throwing his cards down on the table.

“You’re far too good at this game,” Dan said with a laugh. 

Hayden shrugged with a sly smile. “I’ll shuffle.”

“I’m going to go use the bathroom,” Dan said. “You best deal me a good hand.”

Dan smiled as he left, thankful to have Hayden around to keep his morale up, especially while he was fighting with Phil. This happiness lingered until he walked back into the dining room, and Hayden wasn’t in his seat. “Hayden?” he asked. “Are you hiding from me?” he heard a faint banging from the table leg and looked down to find Hayden on the ground, violently seizing. His head was bleeding, as he appeared to have hit it on the table on the way down.

Dan gasped, rushing over to Hayden and pulling him in his arms. He involuntarily shoved Dan back, and Dan went clattering against the table leg. Tears welled up in Dan’s eyes, his breathing becoming fast as he heard the faint sound of bombs in the distance. “No…not again…” His mind raced as he tried to come up with anything to help himself or Hayden, and he shouted the only name that came to mind. “Phil!” He tried to take a deep breath, curling up into a ball. “It’s not real. It’s not real.”

Phil came running into the room, obviously sensing the urgency in Dan’s tone. “Dan? Oh, God.” Phil ran over to him. “Are you okay?”

“Hay-Hayden-” he stuttered, gesturing as best he could to the boy on the floor near him, still thrashing wildly. Phil took him by the shoulders, taking several hits as he dragged him to an empty space.

“I don’t know what to do about this, but at least now he’s not going to hit anything. Dan, are you okay?”

Dan could barely hear him over the bombs sounding in his head. “It’s not real.”

“Are you hearing them again?” 

He stared up into Phil’s eyes, his own full of crazed fear. “Help him!”

“Mum! Dad!” 

Within a few seconds they were in the room, and as a group effort the three of them held Hayden down until eventually they felt no resistance. “Hayden?” Margo asked. “Can you hear me?”

“Huh?” he muttered, beginning to stir. “What happened?” he asked, fear evident in his voice. 

“It’s okay,” Harold said, taking the boy in his arms. “We’re going to take you to hospital.” 

Margo looked at Dan, still rocking back and forth in the floor. “We’ll meet you in the car,” Phil said, and she nodded and left. “Hey, Dan?” he said quietly as he knelt down in front of him.

“It’s not real?” Dan asked, looking hopelessly up at Phil. 

“It’s not real.”


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the two smiled at each other, and dan finally felt truly at ease. he was doing what he needed to do and nothing else. nothing could distract him from the one person he truly cared about, and that was and would always be hayden. with all he’d been through, he’d forgotten that he didn’t need to find love; he already had it.

“Epilepsy?” 

“It’s a recently discovered condition that causes seizures,” said the doctor at the foot of the bed. “There’s no guarantee he has it, but we can’t find anything else that would have caused it, so that’s the best bet.” 

“What does that mean?” Dan asked, tears clogging up his throat yet again. 

“He may have more of these. Just keep him from hitting anything and hurting himself and care for him afterwards. As long as he doesn’t have multiple, you don’t need to bring him back here. However, we are going to keep him overnight to make sure there’s nothing else going on.” 

“Thank you doctor,” he said, and the doctor left them alone. “Do you understand what the doctor said, Hayden?” 

Hayden shrugged. “Kinda.”

“What happened today could happen again,” Dan said, and he could immediately see fear creeping back up behind his eyes. “But everyone here is going to keep you safe and make it easier on you, okay?” He gestured to the Lesters, who had been keeping quiet in the corner.

Hayden smiled faintly. “Okay.”

A few hours later, Dan sat in a chair beside Hayden as he slept. His eyes were weary, but he refused to sleep in case his brother needed him. “Hey, Dan,” he heard, and suddenly Phil was standing in front of him.

“I thought you all were sleeping in the waiting room.” 

“I wanted to come talk to you.” 

“Since when?” 

“Dan, I’m sorry.”

“So am I. I’m sorry I ever let myself get close to you,” he said through gritted teeth, struggling to keep his voice down. “You distracted me from my one priority, and that’s watching out for him. And that won’t happen again.”

“Damn it, Dan, I love you.” 

Both of them went silent for a moment, and Dan felt himself soften up a bit. “We can’t do this here.”

Phil sighed. “I can respect that.” There was a rustling sound, and Phil threw Dan his jacket. “Get some rest.”

Dan cuddled up under the jacket as if it were a blanket and smiled. He was confused–very confused– but he was finally at a bit of peace, and he let his eyes shut for the night.

Dan found himself in a dark, empty room. A spotlight lit up to his right, and under it was Phil. “Dan! Come here; I’ve made a decision. I want to be with you.” Dan’s mouth fell open and he went running towards Phil. Right before he reached him, another spotlight lit up behind him and he pivoted to see Hayden.

“Danny! Help!” the boy shouted. Without looking back at Phil, he went sprinting back towards Hayden. Before he could even ask what was wrong, Phil was behind him with a hand on his shoulder.

“Dan? Don’t you love me?” Phil asked, tears pooling in his eyes.

“Yes, but I-” he turned back to Hayden.

“Do you love him more than me?” Hayden said quietly, appearing broken.

“No, Hayden, I could never-” Phil whirled him back towards him.

“Kiss me, Dan!” he pulled him in, but Dan pushed back. 

“I can’t right now!” Dan shouted, his breathing becoming heavy. 

Hayden pulled on his hand. “Danny, am I going to be okay?” 

“Yes, of course you are!” Bombs sounded in the distance. A circle of fire emerged around the three, and Dan’s eyes dashed wildly around the scene. 

“Dan!” 

“What, Phil?” Phil grabbed his arm and began pulling him away from Hayden. 

“Danny!” 

“Hayden!” The boy took his other arm in an attempt to keep him from leaving him. 

Dan felt as if his body was going to rip in half. His head was being hammered with noise, and the flames were closing in. “Stop!” he shouted, the sound echoing through the room.

Each of them dropped him to the floor, and all went silent, both faces looking down at him. Darkness had returned to the room as Dan panted, unable to speak.

Both the mouths above him opened in unison. “You have to choose!”

Dan awoke in a cold sweat, panting. He looked around to see Hayden in the bed beside him, looking at him with a concerned tint in his eye.

“There’s a doctor here,” he said cautiously. 

He sat up, his vision still blurry from sleep. Indeed, there was a doctor at the foot of the bed. “I’m sorry; what is it?”

“He seems to be doing alright now, so you should be able to take him home soon. Just make sure to monitor him for more seizures.” 

Dan nodded. “Thank you.”

Within a few hours, they were riding back home. Dan sat awkwardly in the back seat sandwiched in between Hayden and Phil. Dan had positioned himself as close to Hayden as he possibly could, but still Dan’s thigh occasionally grazed against Phil’s, and he ended up spending the entire ride sweating bullets. After the dream, he couldn’t even bear to be near Phil.

As soon as they returned home, Dan took Hayden upstairs to his room. “I’m going to go get us some lunch, okay?” Hayden nodded, and Dan made his way to the kitchen.

“You’re going to have to talk to me at some point, you know?”

He didn’t even turn to look at Phil behind him as he made a sandwich for Hayden. “Maybe I will. But it won’t be any time soon.”

“Dan, I-” 

“Don’t even try,” he said, turning around, two meals “I’m a brother first. I thought for a moment that this could work, but it won’t. I have my priorities in check; do you?” 

He pushed through Phil without looking back and went upstairs. “Hey, bud!” he set a plate down for Hayden and they ate together, the first true family meal since they’d left London. “After lunch, do you want to finish that card game?”

Hayden smiled and nodded, and Dan took a deck of cards off the shelf. “I’ll get the cards ready while you finish eating.”

The two smiled at each other, and Dan finally felt truly at ease. He was doing what he needed to do, and nothing else. Nothing could distract him from the one person he truly cared about, and that was and would always be Hayden. With all he’d been through, he’d forgotten that he didn’t need to find love; he already had it.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> dan gritted his teeth, speaking quietly. “i don’t have the time, the energy, or the patience for you to deliberate whether or not YOU can handle a relationship. what’ll it be, phil?”

“This is awesome,” Hayden said from atop the tree branch. 

“I knew you’d like it!” Dan shouted back, making his way up the tree to sit beside him. A month after Hayden’s first and only seizure, Dan felt comfortable enough to walk him up the hill and take him to the tree. “Isn’t the sunset absolutely beautiful?”

“It is. Thanks for hanging out with me. You’re the best big brother ever.” 

Dan put his arm around Hayden’s shoulder and smiled. “Anything for you.”

“I love you, Danny.” 

“I love you too.” 

Dan’s eyes snapped open to see Phil shaking him. “Doctor.”

Dan sighed and sat up in his hospital chair. It had been a month since the first seizure, but Dan’s dream painted a much prettier picture than reality. In that past month, Hayden had suffered one mild seizure and a massive episode, leading to their latest hospital trip.

“He seems alright. Always bring him in if this happens, because it could indicate a change in his body, but this was just a random episode. You should be able to leave soon.” 

Dan sighed, rubbing his eyes. “Thanks.”

“What were you dreaming about?” Phil asked. 

“What?” 

“You were smiling.” 

Dan gestured towards Hayden. “Him.”

“Oh,” Phil said, seeming almost disappointed. 

“Priorities, remember?” Dan said with a glare. He walked around the bed and away from Phil to wake Hayden. “Hey,” he said, shaking the boy awake. “We’re leaving soon.”

Phil sighed, efforts left unnoticed, and left the room.

Later that night, the family sat around the dinner table eating their chicken. “You know what you haven’t done in a while, Dan?” Margo said.

“Hm?” 

“Gone out driving with Phil.” 

“I-” Dan tried to respond, but Phil interrupted.

“I agree! We should go out tonight, eh?” he said with a grin. 

“I was going to play cards with Hayden tonight,” Dan said, pretending to be disappointed.

“We can play him!” Margo exclaimed, nudging Harold. 

“You’ve built up a lot of skills lately, kid. See if you can beat the master.” 

“You’re on!” 

All four of them looked to Dan as if they were looking for confirmation. Margo leaned in and placed her hand on his forearm. “Take a break, Dan.”

He glanced down and took a deep breath. “Fine.”

The truck engine roared its way around the field. It was the only sound of the drive, as the boys were completely and awkwardly silent. “You’ve got to talk to me eventually.”

“How many times are you going to say that?”

“However many times it takes.” 

Dan exhaled and drove the truck up the hill, putting it in park. He jumped out of the driver’s seat and walked purposefully towards the tree, climbing up the trunk without looking back. He took his normal position on the thickest branch and waited to hear the crunch of grass behind him. Eventually he heard Phil approach and felt the tree begin to shake until Phil planted himself beside Dan.

Dan stared at the sun as it disappeared behind the hill, deliberately avoiding eye contact with Phil. He spoke only briefly. “Talk.”

“I like you Dan. A lot.”

“I like you too, Phil. But you definitely didn’t have the most positive reaction the first time we had this conversation,” Dan said, monotonous.

“That’s because I hate it.” 

“What the hell does that even mean?” 

“I don’t know if I can explain it. I don’t know if there’s words to describe how much I hate myself for loving you.” 

“Wow. You’re quite the charmer,” Dan said, electing to count the stars emerging above his head rather than give his full attention to the conversation. 

“No, it’s not you, it’s...it’s-” 

“I get it,” Dan said, still refusing to look at Phil. “You don’t want to be gay.” 

Phil exhaled quietly. “Exactly.”

At that point, Dan was merely annoyed. “At this point in my life, I consider myself lucky to find love. I couldn’t care less who it’s with.” Phil was about to speak, but Dan continued. “But that doesn’t matter anymore, because I don’t need love. I have Hayden, and he cares more about me than any romantic partner ever could.”

“I guess that’s a good philosophy,” Phil said, looking over at Dan. they were having conversation, but Dan was completely disconnected. “I just...I don’t know if I can deal with the judgement from other people. It’s too much for me.”

Dan closed his eyes, anger welling in his stomach. His body did a 45 degree turn to face Phil, and they made the most captivating eye contact either had ever experienced. “Phil, my father is in Nazi France trying to fight off the Germans. My mother is in London fending for herself. I don’t know if either of them are alive today, nor do I know the fates of any of my friends from London. I have an epileptic brother to care for, and I only felt comfortable leaving him alone tonight because he’s safe inside playing cards with your parents. Every time I fall under even a little bit of stress, I HEAR THE GODDAMN BLITZ!” he shouted, his voice growing stronger with each word. For a moment, silence sat in the air. Dan gritted his teeth, speaking quietly. “I don’t have the time, the energy, or the patience for you to deliberate whether or not YOU can handle a relationship. What’ll it be?”

“Dan...” he said, fear crossing his face. “I’m sorry, I just can’t-” 

Dan grabbed his face and pulled him in for a kiss. It was short, but Phil was left speechless. “What’ll it be, Phil?” 

They kept to themselves for a moment, and Dan gazed up at the stars above his head. He’d admired the stars the night he thought he had truly gained Phil in his life, and he’d look at him as he mourned that relationship. “I guess you’ve made your decision.” 

Suddenly Dan was wrapped into another kiss, this one lasting longer than the last. It was just long enough for the anger in Dan’s stomach to be replaced with warmth, and this time Dan was the one left pining for more. “I guess I have.”


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the two climbed the tree and settled in. dan rested his head on phil’s shoulder as they looked on at the sunset. behind them, the stars had already emerged from their daily resting place, but in front of them, the beauty of the setting sun still remained.

“Why did we have to pick exam season to start a relationship?” Dan whined as he and Phil sat in his room studying. 

“Shh!” Phil exclaimed, eyes darting wildly around the room. “The rest of the family can’t know about us.” 

“Obviously, Phil. But they’re all downstairs. You’re just paranoid, okay?” Dan put his hand on Phil’s shoulder and gave him a faint smile.

Phil bit hit lip and smiled back. “Okay.”

The two had been growing closer since that night in the tree, as would be expected, but they both still felt a bit of a rift in between them. Dan could feel that there was some unresolved tension, but he couldn’t get inside Phil’s head to figure it out, and the other stressors of his life weren’t helping.

“Do you want to take a break and go driving?” Phil asked, obviously mentally exhausted. 

“Sure,” Dan said, mind still buried in trying to figure out the source of Phil’s distance. 

They got in the truck and Dan revved up the engine. “When are you getting your license, Phil?”

“Actually,” he said, thinking for a moment. “I should be able to go get it next week.” 

“Next week! Why didn’t you tell me?”

Phil shrugged. “Didn’t come up.”

“That’s awesome! That means we can drive to school on our own, right?” 

“I guess so.” 

As much as Dan simply wanted to retire to the tree, he drove around the field a bit first, attempting to learn a few more driving skills. If he was being honest, Phil hadn’t taught him much driving, but he’d never expected to drive at all, so it was a massive step up.

That was one of the less productive drives they’d had due to both of them feeling drained from their studies, but they’d managed to make it a few minutes before Phil finally spoke up. “Tree?”

Dan exhaled as if to say ‘finally’. “Tree.”

The two climbed the tree and settled in. Dan rested his head on Phil’s shoulder as they looked on at the sunset. Behind them, the stars had already emerged from their daily resting place, but in front of them, the beauty of the setting sun still remained.

“Isn’t it pretty?” Dan asked, taking Phil’s hand in his. He felt Phil tense up a bit, and backed off into his own space. “What’s wrong?” 

“What do you mean, what’s wrong?” 

“You’re acting weird. Every time I touch you, you get all tense. I thought we were okay now!” 

“We are!” 

“Then what’s wrong?”

“Everyone else!”

Phil’s voice rang through the still air for a silent moment. “What do you mean?” Dan asked quietly, furrowing his brow at Phil.

“I’m just scared, Dan. There’s no way you can’t know how risky this is. Nobody likes this. Nobody likes us. Not my parents, not your brother, not anyone at school. This world doesn’t accept us.” 

“We can change some of that.” 

“Maybe, but not all of it. What happens when I graduate and I’m not there anymore? If the kids at school find out? I don’t want anything bad to happen to you.” 

“I can handle myself.” Dan cupped one of Phil’s hands in his. “You’re worth it.” 

Phil gave him a faint smile. “Dan, are you sure you want this?” 

“I’m more sure about this than I’ve been about anything that’s happened to me in the last year. The questions is, do you want this?” 

Phil gazed up at the stars over his head. He put his hand on top of both of Dan’s. “Yeah, I do.”

“Good.” They kissed briefly and reverted back to their original position, but this time Phil seemed relaxed. “So,” Dan said. “How about those stars?”


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> he saw a single graduation cap fly far into the air, and he heard a familiar voice. “what, am i really the only one?” around phil, a few of his friends through their caps up around him. dan smiled faintly, and he heard a deep sigh from margo and harold sitting beside him. the smile grew to a laugh as he saw phil standing up and laughing himself. in that one moment, dan’s sadness was engulfed in phil’s smile, and he forgot about the implications of the graduation. phil was happy, and suddenly that made dan happy too.

From then on, the boys spent all their free time on the hill. Even their study sessions managed to end up in the back of Phil’s pickup truck or on the tree’s highest branch. The rest of the family even began to notice their constant absence. They, Harold and Margo, at least, seemed glad to see the boys getting along, but Dan knew things would change if they knew the nature of their relationship. Phil’s parents were wonderful people, but they were still members of the society pushing them back into a corner. 

And that corner was the hill. 

Dan couldn’t speak for Phil, but he knew exactly why he loved spending his every waking moment on the hill. It was definitely out of character for him; Dan had never been one to go outside, especially in a season in which mosquitoes were beginning to appear. Yet, the atmosphere surrounding that particular outdoor scene was unbeatable. 

There were countless memories there that Dan couldn’t replace--the night he fell in love, the night of his first kiss, countless reparations of the formerly fragile relationship he held with Phil, and even the first time he truly saw the stars. But, more importantly, it was the place they could make new memories. The boys were constantly surrounded by a world that made them anxious to display any affection, but on the hill, they were truly alone. They could show affection because there was no display. It was the one place Dan truly felt like they were themselves--the one place Dan felt at home. 

“So, this is it, huh?” Dan said, letting his book fall flat on his lap and looking over to Phil. They’d developed a rule for their studies while outside; they’d study until the low lighting of the evening made it difficult to read, and then they’d put down their books in favor of each other’s company. “The last day?” 

“Yeah,” Phil chuckled, glancing up at the stars beginning to appear over their heads. “I kinda expected to be a bit sadder about graduating, but honestly I’m just relieved I only have one more exam.”

“Freedom!” Dan shouted into the open air, drawing a laugh from both Phil and himself. There was an awkward silence in the air, and for once they each knew exactly why. “I’m gonna miss you, Phil.” 

“Come on, Dan. I’m not going anywhere. At least not until the end of the summer. Besides,” he said, taking Dan’s hands in his and forcing his eyes off of the truck bed to lock with his own. “We’ve got our whole lives, right?” Dan bit his lip and nodded, a bit of a smile creeping across his face. “Tomorrow’s a happy day. It’s freedom for both of us, you know,” he said, gesturing towards Dan’s textbook. 

Dan rolled his eyes. “Thank God. I’ve had a headache for the last week and a half.” 

Phil pressed his thumb against Dan’s temple, running his hand through his curls. He planted a soft kiss on Dan’s forehead. “Better?”

“Somehow, yes?” Dan said, a genuine smile taking over his face. The two laughed themselves out, and then silence took over and left them to stare cheesily into each other’s eyes. 

“I love you, Dan.”

In that short moment, a million thoughts were running through Dan’s head. First came the realization that the only time he’d ever told him that before was less of a joyful profession and more of an angry confession. Second came the flood of feelings and memories of that first admission. Third came the words pushing the rest to the back.

“I love you too, Phil.”

The motor whirred in the early morning sun as the pickup truck made its way down the road towards the town. “You ready?” Dan said to Phil, who he’d recently learned was an extremely conservative driver. 

“I guess,” Phil replied, refusing to take his eyes off the road. “It’s definitely gonna be weird.” 

“You ready for your graduation party?” Dan asked, narrowing his eyes in Dan’s direction. 

“Now that I’m definitely ready for,” Phil said, even glancing at Dan for a moment. Phil and his friends had planned a graduation party similar to Phil’s birthday party, except they all shared the celebration. Each of them invited their families and their independent friends, and Dan could already tell the party was going to be massive. 

“You didn’t forget your cap and gown, did you?” Dan asked, glancing back behind their seats in search of the graduation attire.

“Of course not!” Phil exclaimed, seeming offended. After a silent pause, he added, “I didn’t, did I?” 

“No, you didn’t,” Dan said with an annoyed tone as he stared at the black bag. 

“Thank goodness,” Phil said before changing the subject. “You ready to knock out that last exam?” 

“We discussed this last night; yes. It’s almost worth you graduating.” 

“Hey!” 

“Almost.” 

Under any other circumstances, the rest of the drive would have been silent; had they been any more distant than they were at that moment, the awkwardness of Phil’s last day would have taken over and they would have wasted it wallowing in their own thoughts. Instead, closer than ever, they banted their way through even the worst day in their eyes. 

Well, they banted through the first hour of the day. After that, they each had to suffer through their final exam. When the final bell rang, Phil went to his graduation rehearsal, and Dan waited for Harold to come pick him up along with Hayden. As much as Dan had enjoyed his drives to and from school with Harold and Hayden, Dan was a bit relieved that Phil could finally drive along and the truck was only big enough to fit two. He took any alone time with Phil he could get. 

The afternoon passed faster than Dan expected, as he spent the time with Hayden. He’d done a fairly bad job of juggling his relationships in the recent months; first, he favored Phil too heavily. Then he put all his energy into Hayden. Since they began dating, the majority fell back onto Phil. It was nice to spend some time with Hayden, and he seemed to think so as well. 

Before they knew it, they were eating dinner, getting dressed, and riding into town for Phil’s graduation. The fact that Phil’s adult life was nearing made Dan feel something he didn’t like, and he’d long since chosen to ignore it. In that particular moment, he was simply left feeling numb. 

The graduation was being held in their school gym, a location that brought back plenty of horrible memories for Dan, but that evening might have proved to be the worst of all. He was trying desperately to stay positive, because graduation was supposed to be a good thing, but to no avail. 

The room was packed apart from the empty chairs for the small group of graduates who had yet to enter. Dan was sitting and staring into space when he heard Pomp and Circumstance begin to play and took a deep sigh as he watched the students walk in. Even after a few months, since the school was so small, he recognized them all. He gave a weak smile to Phil’s friends, but he had yet to see his boyfriend himself, and he was starting to think he didn’t particularly want to when he saw the ginger head bob towards him. 

Phil made direct eye contact with Dan as he walked by, and Dan looked back at him with sad yet loving eyes. Tears began to rush to those eyes, and Dan tried to bite them back, but one still fell as Phil took his seat.

Dan didn’t particularly pay much attention to the rest of the service; he was more focused on keeping his emotions in check. He only tuned in to the sound of Phil’s name. He watched as Phil strode across the makeshift stage and took his diploma from the headmaster, shaking his hand. And then he left. He was just gone. Dan didn’t see where he’d gone, but he did see a metaphor. He was there, and then he was gone. Why did Dan let himself get involved with a boy who was about to leave him? 

He was left to wallow in his own somberness until there was an eruption of applause around him that pulled him back into reality. He saw a single graduation cap fly far into the air, and he heard a familiar voice. “What, am I really the only one?” Around Phil, a few of his friends through their caps up around him. Dan smiled faintly, and he heard a deep sigh from Margo and Harold sitting beside him. The smile grew to a laugh as he saw Phil standing up and laughing himself. In that one moment, Dan’s sadness was engulfed in Phil’s smile, and he forgot about the implications of the graduation. Phil was happy, and suddenly that made Dan happy too.


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “guess we’re gonna be here for a while,” dan said, pulling out his pocket watch. he smiled fondly for a moment at his initials engraved on the outside, feeling the warmth of his family in it. a pang he’d managed to avoid for a while entered his stomach, and he shook his head, opening it up to quickly check the time before shoving it back in his pocket. “the party’s only twenty more minutes; we’ll be fine here.”

Shouts echoed around the room as Phil popped open the third bottle of champagne. Dan laughed along with everyone, although he was the only one of his friends who wasn’t drunk at the graduation party. All the parents had been adamant that no laws were to be broken, and Dan wasn’t old enough to drink. All his graduating friends, however, were nearing the brink of wasted, and Dan felt as if he had to babysit every single name on the invitation. 

Although he spent plenty of the evening glancing around at his other friends, his main focus was on Phil, as he’d learnt something new about his boyfriend that night; he was a VERY romantic drunk. 

“Daaaaan,” he said, stumbling over to Dan. “I loooove youuu.” 

Dan’s eyes went wide; this was the exact opposite of what Phil would normally say. Dan chuckled nervously, glancing around at the few friends who appeared to hear him. “How much has he had, amirite?” They narrowed their eyes and turned around to go talk to their other tipsy friends. 

“Why did I have to get the lightweight?” Dan asked himself as he grabbed Phil’s hand and pulled him into the hall. Dan would have loved to have gone somewhere more private, but he didn’t even know where the hell this party was. “Phil, pull it together!” 

“What do you mean? I’ve got it together! Ya know why?” Phil replied, swinging his arm towards Dan and spilling champagne on the carpet. 

Dan rolled his eyes. “Why?” 

“Because I’m in love with you,” he said, throwing his arms around Dan’s neck.

“I know that, but I don’t think now i-” he was cut off by Phil connecting his lips to his own. He could taste the alcohol as he pushed him off. “Not now, Phil.” 

“Why nooooot?” 

“We just can’t, okay?” Dan stood for a moment before finally coming up with an idea. “You wanna play a game?” 

“Sure! I love games!” 

“We’re gonna roleplay. Instead of dating, you and me are best friends. You wanna see how many people you can convince I’m just your best friend?” 

“That sounds fun!” 

“Great,” Dan said, patting Phil on the back and leading him back into the party. 

They made their way into a circle of their close friends, who were busy telling jokes that no sober person could understand. “Hello, fellow heterosexuals!” Dan took Phil and whirled him around back towards the hall. 

“That’s enough of that,” he said, settling down on the floor. “Guess we’re gonna be here for a while,” Dan said, pulling out his pocket watch. He smiled fondly for a moment at his initials engraved on the outside, feeling the warmth of his family in it. A pang he’d managed to avoid for a while entered his stomach, and he shook his head, opening it up to quickly check the time before shoving it back in his pocket. “The party’s only twenty more minutes; we’ll be fine here.” 

After they got to talking, Dan grew fond of drunk Phil. When he wasn’t trying to come onto him in public or tell him secrets he either didn’t want to know or already knew, he was a fun partymate.

“You’re a pretty cool guy, ya know that?” Phil said, reaching out to shake Dan’s hand as the party wrapped up and people began to leave. “We should get together sometime.” 

“Phil, you’re my boyfriend.” 

“Oh,” he said, hesitating. “That’s gay.” 

Dan couldn’t help but laugh as he pulled Phil up from the floor and draped Phil’s arm around his shoulder for balance as they followed the rest of the family out onto the street. “Yes,” he said, grinning from ear to ear. “Yes it is.” 

“My head hurts,” Phil moaned as Dan stood in his doorway. 

“I’d be concerned if it wasn’t,” Dan replied quietly with a smug grin. He made his way to the side of Phil’s bed and set down the breakfast tray in his hands on Phil’s lap. “Thought you might appreciate this,” he added as he whirled around to shut the curtains and leave Phil in the dark. 

“Absolutely. I’m starving,” he said, laying into the toast. 

Dan climbed into bed beside him and took a small bite of Phil’s eggs. “You’re a handful of a drunk, you know that?” 

Phil took a deep breath. “I’m sorry. I honestly don’t remember what I did.” 

“You seemed very proud to be dating me,” Dan said. He could tell Phil was worried he was mad, but he had a joking smile on his face. “Sorry to have pulled you away from your own graduation party. I assumed it was what sober Phil would have wanted.” 

“You had to drag me out of the party so I didn’t tell all our friends we’re gay? Yeah, you definitely made the right decision there.” 

“Thanks for the closure,” Dan said with a laugh he immediately stifled because he could tell it was hurting Phil’s sensitive eardrums. “Maybe we should just be quiet,” he added as he took out a deck of cards. It reminded him of Hayden, who he’d been thinking about a lot lately. His summer goal was to balance his relationships better, which he knew full and well was a week point of his. At that time, Hayden was fast asleep, and Phil needed him far more than the boy. 

“Even hung over, I’ll still demolish you at any card game.” 

“Bet?” Dan asked, giving him a challenging look as he slid the cards out of their cardboard box. 

Phil grinned, putting aside his almost empty plate and taking only the glass of water he knew he needed to be drinking in his hand. He set the empty tray down as a flat surface, and made eye contact with Dan. “Bet.”


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> dan sucked in some air, biting his lip as he watched hayden make his way towards the tree. he could see the image parallel to his dream, which, in and of itself, was a beautiful scene, but he woke up into a hell, and he couldn’t stand to think of it. the fact that they were in broad daylight differentiated the two a bit, but dan still couldn’t completely shake the feeling that something bad was going to happen.

“My head hurts,” Phil moaned as Dan stood in his doorway.

“I’d be concerned if it didn’t,” Dan replied quietly with a smug grin. He made his way to the side of Phil’s bed and set down the breakfast tray in his hands on Phil’s lap. “Thought you might appreciate this,” he added as he whirled around to shut the curtains and leave Phil in the dark. 

“Absolutely. I’m starving,” he said, laying into the toast. 

Dan climbed into bed beside him and took a small bite of Phil’s eggs. “You’re a handful of a drunk, you know that?”

Phil took a deep breath. “I’m sorry. I honestly don’t remember what I did.”

“You seemed very proud to be dating me,” Dan said. He could tell Phil was worried he was mad, but he had a joking smile on his face. “Sorry to have pulled you away from your own graduation party. I assumed it was what sober Phil would have wanted.” 

“You had to drag me out of the party so I didn’t tell all our friends we’re gay? Yeah, you definitely made the right decision there.” 

“Thanks for the closure,” Dan said with a laugh he immediately stifled because he could tell it was hurting Phil’s sensitive eardrums. “Maybe we should just be quiet,” he added as he took out a deck of cards. It reminded him of Hayden, who he’d been thinking about a lot lately. His summer goal was to balance his relationships better, which he knew full and well was a week point of his. At that time, Hayden was fast asleep, and Phil needed him far more than the boy.

“Even hung over, I’ll still demolish you at any card game.” 

“Bet?” Dan asked, giving him a challenging look as he slid the cards out of their cardboard box. 

Phil grinned, putting aside his almost empty plate and taking only the glass of water he knew he needed to be drinking in his hand. He set the empty tray down as a flat surface, and made eye contact with Dan. “Bet.”

In the perspective of a day, it was a long road to recovery for Phil after his hangover, but it was an even longer recovery for Dan. Phil was not lying about his card game skills.

“Come on!” Dan shouted, throwing his hand down on the bed. 

“How many is that in a row now?” Phil asked rhetorically, a cheeky grin on his face. “Twelve? Thirteen?” 

Dan bit his lip and narrowed his eyes. “Fourteen,” he said under his breath.”

“Huh?” 

“It’s fourteen, you little shit.”

Phil chuckled, his grin turning to a genuine smile. “I think it’s about time to end this.”

Dan relaxed his tense shoulders and picked up his cards to hand to Phil as he put them all back in the box. “You know,” he said, picking up the grin Phil had dropped. “You just want to stop now because you know I’ll finally beat you next round.”

“Dan, you haven’t beaten me since 9:45. It’s almost lunchtime.” 

“Lunchtime’s the charm?” 

Phil rolled his eyes and slid out of bed, setting the cards on his bedside table and slouching over to his closet. Dan attempted not to watch as he changed into his day clothes, and Phil chose not to comment on it. A few minutes later, the two stampeded down the stairs and into the kitchen to grab some lunch with Hayden.

Meals had grown to be a favorite part of Dan’s day; it was one of the few times when he got to be with both of his favorite people on the planet. “What’re your afternoon plans, Hayden?” Dan asked as he took the last bite of his sandwich.”

“I don’t really have any. Do you?”

“Not that I know of,” he said, glancing to Phil. They tended to play things by ear, especially with how they spent their free time. The three of them got up and took their dishes to the sink; it was Dan’s turn to do them. 

“Do you want to go driving when you’re done?” Phil asked, grazing his hand up against Dan’s. 

“I’d love to,” he said with a smile. In the background, he heard a dejected sigh come from Hayden as he attempted to slide undetected out of the room. “Hold on, Hayden,” Dan said, nodding to Phil and turning the dishes over to him. There were only a couple left, but Phil was more than willing to take over. He dried his hands and walked over to his brother, crouching down to his level. “What’s wrong?”

“I kind of wanted to spend this afternoon with you.” 

“Why didn’t you say so? I’d love to spend an afternoon with you.” 

“No you wouldn’t. You said the same thing to him. I know you’d rather be with him.” 

Dan turned back to Phil, who was turning off the faucet and glanced in his direction, serving him a sad look. “That’s not true. You’re my #1, all the way.”

“Hayden, have you ever been to the top of the hill outside?” 

“Yeah, he has,” Dan replied immediately, thinking back to the time shortly after his first seizure when he took him. 

“No, I haven’t.” 

“What? Oh.” True memory came flooding back to him. “Guess I dreamed that,” he laughed nervously. 

“We should take him! What do you think, Dan?” 

Dan looked down at Hayden, who was almost jumping from excitement, and back over at Phil. An anxiety filled his stomach, but he bit it back. “Let’s go!” he said through gritted teeth, fake enthusiasm on point.

“Yay!” Hayden shouted, rushing out to the truck. 

“Are you okay?” Phil asked. Apparently his fake enthusiasm wasn’t really that good. 

“Yeah, I just had a dream where I took him up there a while ago when he was in the hospital. This just gives me a bad feeling. I’m sure it’ll be fine, but it makes me anxious.” 

“Hey,” Phil said, taking his hands in his. “You’re just paranoid. It’s gonna be fine; I’ll be there the entire time, okay?” he looked into Dan’s eyes, and he nodded. “Let’s go make sure he doesn’t take off on his own,” he said, a lighter tone shining through as they followed Hayden outside. 

Dan pulled himself into the passenger side of the truck and heaved Hayden onto his lap as Phil took his place in the driver’s seat. At the age of eight, Hayden was getting to be heavy for Dan’s lap, but the ride to the top of the hill was quick. As soon as they stopped, Hayden opened up the door and ran outside, Dan and Phil following him.

Dan sucked in some air, biting his lip as he watched Hayden make his way towards the tree. He could see the image parallel to his dream, which, in and of itself, was a beautiful scene, but he woke up into a hell, and he couldn’t stand to think of it. The fact that they were in broad daylight differentiated the two a bit, but Dan still couldn’t completely shake the feeling that something bad was going to happen.

“That’s a big tree,” Hayden said, staring up the trunk. 

“Yeah it is!” Phil said. “You wanna climb it?”

“We can climb it?” Hayden asked, adventure in his wide eyes.

“Of course!” 

“All right!” Hayden exclaimed, immediately searching for his first foothold.

Dan gave an anxious glance to Phil, and Phil sidled over to him as Hayden got higher and higher up in the branches. “He’ll be fine; I promise,” Phil said, squeezing Dan’s hand. “You should go up there with him. I think he’ll enjoy that.” 

Dan bit his lip, another parallel crossing his mind. “Okay.” More careful than usual, he followed Hayden up to the branch he’d seated himself on; it was a different branch than the boys usually chose, and it was barely strong enough to support both the Howells, but could easily handle Hayden alone. “So, what do you think?”

“This is beautiful. Now I understand why you come up here for so many sunsets. You’ll have to take me sometime.” 

“We definitely will. The sunsets are absolutely gorgeous.” Dan put his arm around the boy’s shoulder and pointed out into the distance. “You see that? That’s the town over there.”

“Wow!” Hayden exclaimed, leaning forward in awe. “I had no clue it was so close.” 

“Isn’t the world wild like that?” 

“Yeah,” Hayden said, appearing transfixed on the horizon. The two sat for a moment, admiring their surroundings in a deep silence. Dan looked over at Hayden, who still seemed to be staring off into space. 

“Hayden?” he asked, waving his hand in front of his brother’s face. 

“Danny, I don’t feel good.” 

“Let’s get you down from here,” Dan said, fear setting in immediately as he started backing off the branch. Before he could even begin moving down the trunk, Hayden started seizing. “Phil!” Dan shouted, lunging back at Hayden to keep him from falling from the branch. 

Dan heard a faint cry of obscenities from the truck, where Phil had been listening to the car radio. “It’s okay, it’s okay,” Dan told himself more than anyone else. “Just wait it out.” Hayden writhed in his grasp as he tried to maintain his breathing. “Ah!” he cried out as Hayden’s hand was thrown back into his nose. He released the boy, instinctively grasping his own face. Before Dan could realize what he’d done, Hayden was tipping away from him. He reached out, almost in slow motion, in a futile attempt to regain control of his brother’s body, but it was too late. He was already falling backwards. Dan screamed, unable to even look down. 

A few seconds of tense silence passed; Dan was too terrified to say anything. The only thing filling the void was the sound of breathing. Dan couldn’t tell whose. “Hey, Dan?” a calm voice came from below.

“Ye-Yeah?” he said, peeking out from under his arm, where he’d hidden his eyes. 

“It’s okay. I’ve got him,” said Phil, cradling the boy in his arms. 

Dan exhaled deeply and scrambled down the trunk. Phil had set Hayden down on the grass, and his seizing had ceased, but he was still unconscious. Dan tackled Phil in a violent yet brief kiss. “Thank you.”

As they separated, Hayden began to stir. “What happened?” His face turned from scared to dejected. “Did I seize again?”

“Yes, but you’re okay. Everything’s just fine,” Dan said, bending down and taking his hand. 

“So I don’t have to go to hospital?” 

Dan looked at Phil and back at Hayden. “Do you feel bad?”

“Just tired.” 

Dan looked back at Phil, terrified to make a decision. Phil shook his head. “We’ll let you go rest, but we’ll come check up on you to make sure you’re okay. No hospital unless you keep feeling bad.”

A faint, sort of pained smile crossed Hayden’s face, and a realization hit Dan like a baseball bat to the head. He’d never realized until then how much the poor kid had been through. Yes, he’d had the same experiences as Dan himself had. It was something he thought about far too often for him to maintain his happy state of being. But he’d never realized how much more Hayden was going through than him. Dan had found a boyfriend in the new world he’d been placed in; Hayden had found a medical condition that made him fall out of trees. For that one moment, he put himself in his brother’s shoes, and it was absolutely miserable. Holding back tears, he spoke through gritted teeth. “Let’s get you back inside.”


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> dan felt warm, both physically and emotionally, somehow. there was a warm happiness about the evening, and it made dan feel at home not in a place but in a person. he’d had one of the best weeks of his life, and phil only added to it, giving him a warm, lovely feeling he couldn’t quite describe. finally, he felt like everything in his life was perfectly balanced, and all he knew to be true was that he never wanted it to end.

The three boys each spent their afternoons in their independent rooms. Hayden was resting, with Dan checking in on him every half hour or so. It was a brief process, Dan just poking his head in to make sure the boy seemed alright. The rest of Dan’s afternoon was spent deep in thought dedicated to the struggles of the poor boy next door. He’d taken an emotional blow on the hill that he needed the afternoon alone to recover from, and that left Phil alone too. 

It wasn’t until Margo called them down for dinner that any of them spoke. “Can I talk to you for a second, Hayden?” Dan said, pulling him back as Phil passed them by. He looked up at Dan with sad eyes as he awaited a conversation topic. “Are you feeling alright?” 

“Yeah, I’m fine,” he said monotonously. “I feel completely normal now; don’t worry about me.” He gave Dan a smile that was obviously just to prove his point and ran off down the stairs. Dan stood for a second, unsure as to whether or not to believe him, but he obviously didn’t want Dan to have to worry about him. He went downstairs and watched Hayden scarf down his dinner, deciding he was definitely acting normal enough. 

“Hey, do you want to go back up to the hill?” Phil asked Dan as they left the kitchen after filling up on ham. “Just the two of us. I think you need a break.” 

Dan sighed. “I guess.” 

In a moment’s time, they were coasting up the hill in the dim evening light. The sun was still out, but Dan could tell it would be setting soon. Phil parked the truck at the top of the hill, and walked around to sit in the truck bed rather than climb the tree. Dan assumed he thought Dan’s short term memory would be triggered by the tree. He didn’t exactly appreciate the special treatment, but knowing it was out of a place of love, he climbed into the bed beside him. 

“I’m sorry I made you bring Hayden up here. I should have known whatever weird premonition you had would be right.” 

“Don’t be. You wouldn’t have known. He loved it up until-you know. Besides, I should be thanking you. You may have saved his life.” 

“Maybe, but it wouldn’t have needed saving if I hadn’t endangered it in the first place.” 

“Don’t be so hard on yourself,” Dan said, wrapping his arms around the neck of his counterpart. “You did a good thing today. Thank God you were there.” 

“Really?” 

“Absolutely.” 

Their lips connected in a sort of a make up kiss for a fight that never happened. It was short, but it somehow managed to melt all his stress away in the split second that it existed. They settled back into the truck bed and watched the sun set in front of them. It was an uncharacteristically cold night, so it didn’t take long for Dan to get chilly. “Do you want to go inside? I’m cold.” 

Phil exhaled, rolling his eyes. “I’m so glad you said something; I’m freezing. Why is it this damn cold in June?” 

“I know, right?” Dan said, suddenly widening his eyes. “Is it really June already?” 

“Somehow, yeah.” 

“Wow.” Dan thought of his upcoming birthday and sighed. He used to love his birthday, but after his last traumatic birthday, he preferred not to think about it at all. He shook his head and smiled at Phil as they climbed into the truck. “Best six months of my life.” 

About a week passed uneventfully. Dan’s birthday was fast approaching, although he didn’t mention it to anyone. He was spending most of his time with Phil, but he was doing his best to make time for Hayden as well. The day before his birthday, Dan followed Hayden to his room after breakfast with the intent of spending the morning with him. “What do you want to do this morning?” he asked, grinning. 

“Actually,” Hayden said, absentmindedly putting some folded clothes in his dresser. “Phil was going to teach me to play football this morning.”

“Ready, Hayden?” Phil said, peeking in beside him. “Oh, hey Dan.” 

“Hey?” Dan said, pleasantly surprised. 

“Let’s go!” Hayden exclaimed, rushing to Phil’s side. The two of them disappeared down the stairs, leaving Dan to stand in awe for a moment. Eventually he followed them down the stairs and outside, where Phil was showing Hayden some technique. Dan thought back to playing football with Hayden in the London streets a year or so ago. They’d never been very good, but they’d had fun. Dan hadn’t even known until then that he was interested in playing football, nor that Phil had the skills to teach him. 

Dan slipped inside and grabbed the radio and its table, bringing them both outside and setting them down beside the rocking chair on the porch, where he rested. He turned on a jazz station and watched as they kicked the ball around. Dan was still in shock from the fact that Phil had taken the initiative to spend a morning with his brother. 

They’d set up a couple makeshift goals with sticks at either end of their ‘field’, and they started playing a bit of a mini game. Phil was obviously going easy on Hayden, but that almost made it even cuter. A part of Dan was crying out for him to join the Howell team and destroy Phil, but an even bigger part was telling him that he was perfect right where he was, and watching them play was bringing him a sense of ease he hadn’t felt in a while. It was like he was Hayden’s widowed mother, and Phil was the man he’d found refuge in. He was making an effort, and that was everything. 

The game was slow for a while, but then Hayden began to get into a groove. Dan watched as he scored his first goal and began jumping up and down from joy. “I did it!” he shouted, and Dan cheered from the porch, smiling so wide he wasn’t sure he was physically capable of stopping. There was a certain, soft happiness from the morning that couldn’t be replicated. It was pure, it was real, and it was love.

The three chose to spend the afternoon together, Dan and Hayden teaching Phil one of their favorite card games before they returned back outside to play hacky sack. The day was nonstop and eventful, in the best way possible, and the serotonin and adrenaline didn’t stop flowing on maximum until they were back on the hill. They were in the truck bed, as they’d taken to it instead of the tree. It wasn’t because of Dan’s possible fears; it was simply more comfortable. In the moist, summer air, neither of them wanted to use the energy to climb the tree. They enjoyed it on occasion, but more often than not they chose the truck bed. 

“Hey, Phil?” Dan said while he was in Phil’s arms, turning his head up to Phil as the sun was setting. 

“Mmm?” Phil responded, his hair blowing back from his head in the breeze as he looked down at Dan. 

“Thanks for hanging out with Hayden today.” 

“No problem,” he said, leaning his head back to its resting position. 

“No, really,” Dan said, drawing Phil’s eye contact back. “I really appreciate that you’re putting in effort to get closer to him. It really says to me that you care about me, and that means a lot to me.” 

“Well, you’re kind of a two for one, you know.” 

“Yeah, I know. I’m just glad you know.” Dan smiled a pure smile up at him, and Phil smiled back. Phil shifted his head down, connecting their lips, and they simply didn’t disconnect until one of them had to gasp for air. Dan hadn’t a clue how they’d gotten there, but suddenly neither of them could tear himself away from the other. Adrenaline coursed through Dan’s veins as he ran his hands through Phil’s hair, feeling Phil’s hands on his own back. It was a release of stress neither of them even knew they had, and Dan didn’t know how much he needed it until he had it. 

When they finally pulled apart, they pressed their foreheads together, a smile on each face. “Damn, I love you,” Phil said, his voice deeper than Dan had ever heard it before. 

“I love you too,” Dan replied in between sharp breaths. There was a sexual tension in the air they mutually chose to ignore for the time being, instead choosing to revel in the moment. Eventually they relaxed into a cuddling position in the truck bed, hand in hand as they pointed out the planets and constellations. They even created their own constellations, Dan pointing out one in the shape of a heart. It was a moment that could only be described with the simple word ‘warmth’. Dan felt warm, both physically and emotionally, somehow. There was a warm happiness about the evening, and it made Dan feel at home not in a place but in a person. He’d had one of the best weeks of his life, and Phil only added to it, giving him a warm, lovely feeling he couldn’t quite describe. Finally, he felt like everything in his life was perfectly balanced, and all he knew to be true was that he never wanted it to end.


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> so, a year later, dan cried again. the room was different, and the reason was different, but the tears were exactly the same. the pain was exactly the same, and when it came down to it, he didn’t know if it would ever go away. the tears from a year ago came back, and with it came all the emotions. the fear, the anger, the depression... everything came flooding back in one burst of pain, and dan couldn’t handle it. so he let it engulf him and spent another lousy birthday in his room, tears taking over until he finally slept.

"Danny! Danny!” Dan awoke to the feeling of his bed bouncing up and down, his brother’s shrill, loud voice in his head.

“Mmm,” Dan replied, still mostly asleep. “What?” 

“Happy birthday!” 

He blinked his eyes open to see Hayden standing in front of him, smiling and holding a breakfast tray. Behind him, Phil was leaning up against the doorway, smirking.

“Birthday, huh?” 

“Thank you, Hayden!” Dan said, faking excitement until Hayden ran out of the room, when his smile dropped to a deep frown. “I hate my birthday.” 

“Why?” 

“I don’t wanna talk about it.” 

“You sure?” 

“Yup.” 

“Well, I hate to break it to you, but I don’t think you’re going to be able to escape this birthday. My mum’s already baking you a cake, and she’s invited our friends over for a little party. It’s supposed to be a surprise, but judging by your reaction here, I assume you wouldn’t be pleased by it.” 

Dan took a deep sigh. “Let’s just eat breakfast.”

The breakfast was actually quite pleasant, but Dan spent the entire time appearing disgruntled. He had to get all his birthday anger out before faking joy later in the day. Deep down, he still remembered a time when his birthday was his favorite day of the year, but all he could remember that morning was faking a smile for his mother, escaping to his room, and crying the night away.

Dan found himself spending the day a bit numb. He had a deeply rooted sadness in his head, but his friends, and even Dan himself, made a heavy attempt to overcome it. They blended together and he ended up neutral, not feeling much at all until the cake came out.

“Danny!” Hayden yelled at him for what must have been the hundredth time that day. “Come into the kitchen!” he said, almost bursting from excitement. Dan rolled his eyes and allowed his friends to herd him into the kitchen, where he was met with a cake on the table, candles already lit. He faked a smile as everyone sang happy birthday; he’d found that it got easier to fake the smile as the day went on. It was still fake, but it was less fake each time. 

As the song came to a close, Dan blew out the candles, throwing a wish for peace into the air. Margo pulled the cake away from him and began cutting it up as Harold leaned in and clapped his hands. “Now, who’s ready for presents!” Dan watched as people around him pulled presents out of nowhere.

Dan was in awe; for some reason, he didn’t expect to be receiving any presents. Back in London, he was always aware that his parents didn’t have much money; in fact, he got the impression that not many people did at the time, but they always managed to get him a couple birthday presents every year except for the last. Money was even tighter with just his mother working, and they couldn’t afford any. Seeing so many appear out of thin air around him shocked him to the point where he could barely speak.

“Where did you get all those?” 

“Went out before you woke up this morning,” Phil said. 

“You sleep late,” Hayden said with a toothy grin. 

Dan couldn’t help but laugh as he opened a few gifts from his friends. They were basic things, like books or shirts, but they were more than Dan could expect from friends he wasn’t even that close to. His friends in London had never even gotten him a penny candy for his birthday.

After he opened all his friends’ gifts, they took a break to eat the cake, and the group headed out. Dan, in better spirits, thanked them for coming and retired to the living room.

“You haven’t opened our presents yet!” Margo said, entering the room along with the rest of the family, each of them with a gift in their hands. Dan tore into Margo’s first, revealing an entire outfit. 

“I figured you didn’t have much of your own clothes; most of what you wear is Phil’s.” 

“That’s true,” Dan laughed, eyeing the outfit. It was surprisingly stylish to have been picked out by a middle aged woman. “Thank you, Margo.” 

“Of course,” she said. “But that’s from Harold too.” 

“Then what do you have?” Dan asked Harold. 

“This is from Phil.” 

Dan turned to Phil, who didn’t need to be asked. “Also from me.”

Dan rolled his eyes and took the present from Harold, tearing it open to reveal a radio. “Phil, how did you even get the money for this?”

“I have my ways,” Phil said with a cheeky grin, drawing stares from his parents. “Mostly my Christmas and birthday money,” he muttered. “Besides, I figured you needed one of your own for your room, and for when you eventually move out.” Dan’s heart raced at that; moving out was the last thing on his mind at that point, but suddenly he realized it was fast approaching, as he’d be eighteen in a year. “You can’t live without that radio.” 

Dan chuckled. “You’re probably right.”

He took Hayden’s present next. “It’s not big or expensive.”

“That’s okay!” He opened it to reveal a small drawing folded in a box with his name printed at the top.

“I drew it at school the day before we left London; I put it in my pocket to give to you, but I forgot about it, and after everything that happened it just felt like a bad time.” 

“Hayden...” he trailed off, fighting back tears. “It’s beautiful. Come here.” He extended his arms for the boy to come in and hug him. Dan loved Hayden’s hugs; they were the tightest. As they embraced, he couldn’t help but shed a few tears. “Thank you.” 

Hayden smiled at him as they separated. “You’re welcome.”

Dan dried his eyes before looking to Phil. “Last one?” Phil simply gestured to the door, and they were off into the evening darkness. The ride to the hill was a blur; they’d taken it so many times that it just sort of came and went. Before he knew it, they were in the back of the truck, Phil pulling a small box out of his pocket.

Dan took it, smiling at him as he shook it around in his hand a little bit. It wasn’t wrapped, so he simply pulled off the lid and stared into the box. Staring back at him was a tiny star.

“What’s this?” Dan asked. 

“It’s a star, of course,” Phil replied, as if it was obvious. “It’s a charm. You can keep it in your pocket so that you can keep the stars with you wherever you go.” He paused, looking up to the night sky. “I know how much you love the stars.” 

Dan looked up as well, and he had to agree. There was something special about that particular set of stars over their heads.

“I got one for myself too, so it’s like you can keep me with you no matter where either of us go, too,” he said, pulling his own star out of his pocket. 

Dan was conflicted; it was a reminder that Phil would soon be leaving for his own, adult endeavors, but it was also a sign of comfort, that he’d never truly be gone. “That’s so cheesy,” was all he managed to say.

“What did you expect?” Phil asked rhetorically, taking Dan’s hands. “Happy birthday, Dan,” he said, leaning in and putting his lips to Dan’s. The kiss was short but sweet, and it left Dan genuinely smiling. 

“So, do you still hate your birthday?” 

Dan shrugged, the smile dropping. “I guess not. I just-” he trailed off, deciding against saying too much. “Never mind.”

“No, go on,” Phil said, his tone supportive. “I’m here for you.”

“Every birthday, my dad would take me out for pizza at my favorite restaurant. It was one of the few times we had alone together, especially after Hayden was born, and it was my favorite part of every birthday.” He felt the tears coming back to his eyes, and he didn’t even bother to fight them. “After pizza, he’d take me shopping and let me pick out one thing that he’d buy me for my birthday. When I was eight, it was a football. When I was ten, it was the pocketwatch I still have. But last year he got drafted and he wasn’t there for my birthday, and it wasn’t the same. It wasn’t right without him; it still isn’t. But with you guys, I feel like at least a little bit of that void is filled.”

“Oh, God, Dan, I’m so sorry,” he said, his tone somber. “I had no idea about your dad.”

“I don’t talk about it,” he said, attempting to dry his eyes. 

“I hope he makes it home.” 

There was a prolonged silence, each of the boys obviously thinking of the same thing--the war waging around them that they’d almost managed to forget about. Almost.

“Me too.” 

By the time they rode down the hill again, their conversation had recovered from the awkward moment, and they were laughing again. Dan thought he may have even balanced out the trauma of the previous birthday. Everything felt balanced, and Dan couldn’t have asked for anything more. Everything was absolutely perfect until they walked through the door.

They were about halfway up the stairs when they heard sobs coming from the kitchen. They looked at each other before rushing through the living room and into the kitchen, where they found Margo in a dining chair, her head in her hands. Harold was behind her providing comfort. “What’s wrong?” Dan asked.

“Dan, go upstairs,” Phil said, his voice cold. Dan looked over to him; he was ghost white, and his eyes were transfixed on the table. Dan followed them to where a letter was lying, stamped with the seal of the British Army. 

“What? Why?” 

“Dan, please just go upstairs.”

Harold turned to Phil, staring at him in awe. “You haven’t told him yet?”

“I was going to, I just-”

“Tell me what?” Dan interrupted, his voice raising. 

“Please, can we talk about this later?” Phil pleaded, but Dan wasn’t having it. He lunged for the letter on the table, pulling it back to his person and attempting to read it. “Give me that!” Phil shouted, pulling it away from him.

“Let me read it!” 

“It’s mine!” 

“What do you mean, it’s yours?” 

“It’s MINE!” 

The letter ripped in half, and each staggered back with their half. Dan skimmed the half he had, and his heart dropped.

“You’re going off to war?” 

“Dan, I’m eighteen now. What did you expect?” 

“I EXPECTED you to go to college, like you told me!”

“You told him you were going to college?” Harold chimed in, his tone angry. 

“So you’ve been planning on going into the Army this whole time?” Dan asked, his anger building as tears pooled up in his eyes for the third time in the last hour. 

“Yes, but I-” 

“Forget it,” Dan interrupted again, walking briskly forward until he was but a few inches from Phil. “Take your damn letter,” he asserted, shoving the torn paper into his chest and running from the room and to his own room. He slammed the door behind him and flung himself on his bed, destined to spend another birthday grieving a relationship that could never quite be replaced. Tears rolled down his cheeks as he heard footsteps make their way up the stairs. 

There was a knock on the door, and Dan heard the lats voice he wanted to hear. “Dan?”

“Go away, Phil.” 

“Please, just-” 

“I said, go away.” 

He heard a sigh, and the footsteps retreated, allowing him to fall back into his misery. How foolish of him to think his birthday would be perfect again. He’d lost the one thing that made his birthday happy, and he tried to replace it with something that was even less stable than the first. As soon as he began to think things were finally coming together, they just fell apart again. So, a year later, Dan cried again. The room was different, and the reason was different, but the tears were exactly the same. The pain was exactly the same, and when it came down to it, he didn’t know if it would ever go away. The tears from a year ago came back, and with it came all the emotions. The fear, the anger, the depression... Everything came flooding back in one burst of pain, and Dan couldn’t handle it. So he let it engulf him and spent another lousy birthday in his room, tears taking over until he finally slept.


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> dan closed his eyes, taking a deep breath. when he opened them again, he saw the phil he knew loved him. he still held on to a bit of anger, but most of it had dissolved right in front of his eyes. his next sentence came out in a different tone; his anger was replaced with defeat. “if this is for me, why does it hurt so much?”

Dan awoke to the sun shining through his windows. He rolled over and moaned in a sleepy state of oblivious happiness. It was a peaceful moment, and he treasured it as the last he’d have in a long time.

Then all the memories hit him, and he felt as if he’d been physically punched in the gut. He gasped for air, fighting back tears as he remembered more and more. Finally, he closed his eyes and took deep breaths, as if that would make it go away. He knew it wouldn’t, but it was really all he could do. It took a few minutes of lying motionless and letting the tears fall for Dan to gain even the tiniest inkling of motivation to get out of bed. When he did, he glared down the hallway towards Phil’s bedroom door; it was still shut, so he was hoping he was still asleep.

Dan slipped out of his room and down the stairs, peering around the corner into the kitchen and finding Margo and Harold sitting and reading their paper. Phil, luckily, was nowhere to be found. Dan made himself breakfast, refusing to speak to anyone until he sat down.

“How are you doing?” Margo asked. Dan hated that he knew it wasn’t a normal question; her tone told him all too obviously that she was referencing Phil’s draft. 

“Fine,” he said, short, succinct, and soulless. He dug into his toast as the couple looked at each other, obviously concerned about him despite having gotten the message that he didn’t feel like talking. An awkward silence loomed over the group as Dan ate his breakfast. He ate quickly in hopes to escape before Phil woke, and dumped his dishes in the sink, happy to make Phil do them, as it was his turn. 

“Going up to the hill,” Dan said, voice still emotionless as he walked through the foyer. He heard a door open upstairs, but he ignored it and continued, preferring to put as much distance between him and Phil as possible. He wasn’t quite sure what he’d do alone up there all day, but anything beat the house with Phil in it. 

It was the first time he’d trekked the hill on foot, and it definitely wasn’t his favorite activity, but he pushed through it and climbed the tree. He clung to the trunk for a few seconds, looking at the two branches that would support his weight. His brother almost broke his neck falling off one of them, and the other was full of memories of the boy who broke his own heart. It wasn’t exactly the best choice to make, but Dan eventually settled on the branch he’d sit on with Phil. He might as well attempt to cope a little bit while running away from his problems.

It couldn’t have been more than an hour before Dan heard footsteps crunching up the hill behind him. It could have been any of the four members of the family, but Dan still refused to turn and look at the risk of it being Phil.

“Dan?” Phil said timidly. He should have known. 

“Still don’t want to talk to you.” 

“Please just hear me out,” he pleaded.

Dan sighed angrily, rotating his body around to face Phil. “You have one minute.” 

“I didn’t know. I really didn’t. They came to school for recruitment in November, and I signed up. If I had known you were coming, I wouldn’t have done it.” He sounded sorry, but Dan knew he wasn’t. 

“Then why are you still doing it? And why did you tell me you planned on going to college?” 

“I hadn’t heard from them since that day, and I didn’t know. I didn’t want to scare you away. And I can’t quit now.” 

“Yes,” Dan said, jumping down from the branch and walking briskly over to Phil, standing a few inches from him. “You can. I’ve seen the recruitment days too. You could tell them you’re gay, and they wouldn’t let you anywhere near the army.” 

“I-” Phil stuttered. “I can’t do that.” 

“Your minute’s up,” Dan said, pivoting back towards the tree. 

“Dan, wait!” 

He groaned, rolling his eyes as he turned back to Phil. “What.”

“You don’t understand,” he said, and Dan had to bite his lip to keep him rom interjecting. “I’m doing this to protect you.” 

Dan threw his arms up in the air, heat rising in his stomach as he marched back over to Phil. “From what, Phil? From finally having people who stay in my life? Well, thanks, Phil. Definitely needed someone to keep me from happiness.”

“You know that’s not what I mean. I am doing this to protect you, both you and this entire country. What happens if everyone like me stays home and the Nazis show up? What happens to us then? We die.” 

“Maybe, but at least then I’d die happy, Phil. I’ve lost almost everyone I’ve ever loved to this damn war, and I’m not about to lose you too. You’re the one who doesn’t understand here!” he shouted, rage spewing from his mouth. 

“What about Hayden?” Phil asked, voice soft and lacking anger.

“What about him?” Dan muttered.

“You would rather die here with me than live here without me. What about him? What happens to him in a universe where we die? Wouldn’t you do the same thing?” Phil spoke in a calm voice Dan refused to admit he couldn’t manage to use himself. 

“I wouldn’t leave him alone, that’s for sure.” 

“What if he was still with your mum? In a universe where your family was completely intact, and you had a chance to go to war to protect them, would you?” 

“I-” Dan eked out. He knew in his heart of hearts that it was a lost argument. “I don’t know. Maybe. I don’t like combat.” 

“Neither do I, Dan, but this is just something that I have to do. For me, for my family, for Britain, and for you.” 

Dan closed his eyes, taking a deep breath. When he opened them again, he saw the Phil he knew loved him. He still held on to a bit of anger, but most of it had dissolved right in front of his eyes. His next sentence came out in a different tone; his anger was replaced with defeat. “If this is for me, why does it hurt so much?”

Phil took his hands, showing him a weak smile. “I’ve been asking myself the same thing.”

Dan looked down at the bright, green grass at his feet, refusing to make eye contact with Phil as he asked the question he knew he didn’t want the answer to. “When do you leave?”

Phil hesitated, and Dan knew he didn’t want to say the answer any more than Dan wanted to hear it. “Tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow!?” Dan exclaimed, and it was like his soul fell out of his mouth. He flung himself back onto the grass and sighed. “Why now?” 

Phil threw himself down beside Dan, adding a playful undertone to the somber situation. “The world works in mysterious ways.” He pointed up to the blue, cloudless sky. “For example, the stars. They’re all up there, even though we can’t see them. During the day, they become invisible, but during the night they’re beautiful.”

Dan chuckled. “That’s got to be a perfect metaphor for something, although I can’t imagine what.”

Phil laughed back, pushing himself back onto his feet. “You know, you’re right. I’ll have to think about that one.” He reached out a hand to pull Dan up, but when he took it, Phil didn’t let him go. “I love you, Dan. I hope you know that.”

He smiled, unsure if there was an emotion to describe the mix of happiness and love seeping into his base of sadness. “Of course I do. And I’ll never forget it.”

Phil pulled him into a kiss, and it was undoubtedly one of the most passionate they’d had. It was a much needed reminder that despite it all, they did love each other.

When they finally pulled apart, Phil wrapped one arm around Dan’s neck, turning him to face down the hill. “Hate to remind you, but today is my last day here.” He gestured to the world around him, then turned to Dan, a wide grin on his face. “We’ve got a lot of work to do.”


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> like many moments of the day, it wasn’t even the physical contact that had him on the edge of his seat. it wasn’t sitting in phil’s lap, hands wrapped around his back as he placed soft, wet kisses up and down dan’s neck. it wasn’t phil’s hands in his hair as he gasped for air. it wasn’t urges he had to repress in the best interest of them both. it was just phil. It was just the two of them there, for the last time in the perceivable future. it was a goodbye, but it wasn’t. in reality, dan longed for phil not because of the sweet taste of his kiss, but because he knew that when they separated, it could be their last.

“I’ve been planning this day all morning,” Phil said, pride in his voice as they walked through the front door.

“Now I’m terrified.” 

“It’s nothing bad! Just a sort of a... trip through time.” 

Dan narrowed his eyes as he followed Phil up the stairs and to his room, where he’d taken Dan’s new radio from his room. It was playing upbeat jazz, and there were clothes laid out all over Phil’s bed.

“I think it’s about time for another dress up day,” Phil said with a playful smirk. 

Dan couldn’t help but laugh as he thought back to the night he met Phil, when they’d gone driving and come back to Phil’s room so Dan could try on some of his clothes, since he hadn’t been able to bring along any of his own. It was the first good memory he had with Phil, as well as the one that reassured him that his relocation wouldn’t be so bad after all. “You’re really going to take me through all six months I’ve spent here, aren’t you?”

Phil grinned and simply nodded.

Most of the clothes they tried on were the same ones they’d done before, and they may have even used the same combinations, but it had a new dynamic they couldn’t quite describe that made the moment even more magical than before. There was a certain casual feel to the experience the first time they did it, but now that feeling had intensified. A lot had changed for them each, individually and as a duo, since they first played dress up six months earlier, and as they indulged comfortably in the often considered feminine act of creating their own outfits out of Phil’s clothes and modeling them for each other, it showed.

Each flung himself onto Phil’s bed, breath heavy as they glanced at all the clothes littering the floor around them. “We’re gonna have to clean that up, aren’t we?” Dan groaned, barely maintaining the energy to speak, let alone clean.

“I’ll have to pack most of it anyway,” Phil said, a painful reminder of the reason why they were having this extravagant day. There was a moment’s silence before Phil recognized the awkwardness and sat up, clapping his hands. “Time for activity number two!” 

He took off down the stairs, and Dan sighed, still almost out of breath, and pulled himself out of bed to follow him. He was met by the front door flung wide open to the hot, summer day. Dan suspiciously stepped outside and down the steps into the grass, glancing around the yard but finding no one. Suddenly, he heard a noise to his right, and turned just in time to get sprayed in the chest with a thick stream of water. “What the-” He looked down at his chest and up at the culprit. Unsurprisingly, Phil stood a few feet away from him holding a water hose and grinning from ear to ear.

Dan was hit again, this time from behind, and he pivoted to see Hayden holding his own hose. There was another hose at his side that he picked up and taunted at Dan, who immediately got the hint and moved towards Hayden to take the hose. Apprehensive, he quickly snatched it from his brother’s hand and put some distance in between the two of them.

The air was silent for a moment, each of them staring each other down in the heat. “Every man for himself!” Phil shouted, roaring his hose into action. Dan ducked to miss his shot, swinging his hose in every which direction in hopes to hit one of his two opponents. Meanwhile, Hayden was charging straight for him, hose on full power. The force of the water stung his skin, but he was laughing anyway. This wasn’t the sort of summer activity one could do in London.

“Howells attack!” Dan shouted, nodding at Hayden as they both charged at Phil a few minutes into the fight. Phil’s eyes widened as he attempted to fight them off, but he stood no chance against the two of them, and eventually his hose slipped from his hands, Dan picking it up. 

Dan and Hayden gave each other mischievous looks before turning back to Phil and turning all three hoses on him, knocking him to the ground. Dan strode over to him, placing his foot on Phil’s chest in dominance. “I am victorious!”

Phil glared up at him. “Dan, you’re soaked.”

“But at least I don’t have a muddy footprint on my chest.” 

Three showers later, Hayden was in his room, and Dan and Phil were sat in the living room in front of the family radio. “You know, Phil,” Dan said shortly after joining Phil in the room, having showered last. “I don’t remember having a water fight in the last six months.”

“Maybe not, but you can’t exactly have a snowball fight in the middle of the summer.” 

The pieces of the puzzle clicked together in Dan’s head, and he remembered the countless snowball fights they had over the winter, the first of those being on his first full day in the countryside. “Touche.” He smiled remembering the winter afternoons. “You even got Hayden in on it.” He thought about that for a moment, and his smile faded. “Does Hayden know?”

Phil nodded. “I told him last night after everything happened. He was a bit upset, but I think he’ll be happy to have you back to himself.”

They each smiled a bit, but neither of them were happy. The day seemed to have fallen into that pattern; they were mostly happy, but every now and then they would have a particular moment in which they remembered the situation they were in, and all that happiness faded, only to return as soon as the day roared back into action.

“What’s next?” Dan asked, anxious to get back into the happy part. 

“This.” 

Dan stared at him in confusion. “What?”

“This. All our winter days beside the radio. Our dances, our talks, our everything.” Phil reached over and turned on the radio, tuning it to the jazz station. “That’s it.” 

Dan settled into his armchair as the host spoke, but he wasn’t there long. As soon as the first song started playing, Phil jumped up and extended him a hand. “May I have this dance?”

Dan rolled his eyes, despite being impressed by Phil’s openly romantic question in the middle of the family room, his parents probably in the next room over. “Gladly.”

Despite the romantic nature of the proposal, when Dan stood up to dance, the song was far from romantic. It was a fast, upbeat song that inspired them both to dance independently yet still together. There were a few songs like this, and they continued along the same path, memories flooding their minds of past dances until they became weary. Luckily, as Dan was resigning himself to finally sit down, the next song was slow, and he close instead to rest his head on Phil’s shoulder.

The last time he’d ever slow danced with anyone was his primary school dance, and he didn’t even know how to do it, but it didn’t matter. The only thing that mattered in that moment was the closeness of the two of them, Dan’s breath on Phil’s neck and Phil’s hands around Dan’s midsection. It was the dance they never had; it was the dance they may never have again.

Tears rolled down Dan’s face as the song ended and he picked his head up to put his lips to Phil’s; it was a short kiss, but it was an important one.

“It’s okay,” Phil said, wiping tears from Dan’s cheek as he struggled not to shed his own.

“I know,” Dan said with a genuine smile. They were sad tears, but they were just as much happy tears. He was going to miss Phil more than he could ever imagine, but the second he came home, and Dan tried as hard as he could to convince himself that he would, they’d be able to dance for the rest of their lives. “I love you.”

“I love you too.” 

A few recovery minutes later, they were outside in the yard again, but this time upon exiting they met Margo and Harold. They were dressed in their Sunday best, and each of them held a basket. “Happy Easter,” Margo said, handing her basket to Dan. Inside was a single egg. Dan turned to Phil, who was beaming.

“This time, don’t fall.” 

And with that, he was off. Dan hesitated before realizing he was to compete against Phil and dashing off in the opposite direction. 

“You have fifteen minutes!” Harold yelled, wrapping his arm around his wife to watch the boys search. Dan had never been much good at egg hunts back in London, and it was common knowledge that his previous one hadn’t ended very well, but his competitive side came out as he ran around the yard searching for eggs. The fifteen minutes passed faster than he would have thought, and they were called back to the front door. 

Dan glanced into Phil’s basket and saw almost twice as many eggs as were in his own. “Oh, come on!” Dan scrunched up his face in fake anger. “Stupid home field advantage.”

Phil gave him a cheeky grin, placing his hand on his shoulder and clearing his throat in preparation to do the best possible Dan impression. “I am victorious!”

Dan rolled his eyes as Phil took his basket and gave them both to Margo, who trailed Harold back inside. Phil led Dan over to the truck and opened the driver’s door. “Your chariot awaits.”

Dan sighed, rolling his eyes for what must have been the millionth time as he climbed into the truck and drove into the field. “You better be ready to drive,” Phil said after a couple laps. “Because this time we’re going on the road.”

Dan turned to Phil in fear and disbelief, not because he was unconfident driving, but because he didn’t have a permit to drive on roads. “Is that legal?”

“Technically speaking, no, but most people here don’t particularly care. Just don’t tell my dad.” 

Dan laughed, but he was still nervous. “Can’t you drive?”

“Nope,” Phil declared. “All part of the memory trip.” 

Dan groaned as he pulled out of the gate and onto the road. He coasted down the country road, fairly comfortable. “See! You’re doing great! Phil exclaimed. He gave Dan little notes as they went along, reminding him of a time when Phil actually taught him to drive rather than just sitting in the passenger seat as he drove them up to the tree and back.

“Where am I going?” Dan asked as they neared the town. 

“Take a right,” Phil said, overly laid back. Dan had never driven with any traffic, let alone the town, which was quite busy for countryside standards. Dan tried to ignore the driving anxiety and think instead of the surprise. “Left,” Phil said. There were only a few destinations on the cut-through road, but Dan still couldn’t figure out which one. “Here we are!” Phil clapped excitedly as Dan turned into the restaurant. 

Dan probably should have assumed dinner, as it was 7:00 in the evening, but he still wasn’t ready for it. “Phil, we’re both barely dressed. I was planning to wear these to bed tonight.” Dan laughed at their clothes, which were probably better described as pajamas.

“So? It’s not like this is a fancy restaurant. It’s the most casual sit down place in town. Come on!” Phil shouted cheerily, hopping out of the truck and prompting Dan to do the same. 

“Besides,” Phil said as they walked towards the door. “It’s like the date we never had.” 

The ‘date they never had’ was absolutely different than anything they’d ever done before. Not only had the two of them never gone out to eat, but Phil had never cared less about keeping their relationship a secret. He wasn’t open, as that would be purely stupid, but he wasn’t near as reserved as he usually was. He was more open to joke around with Dan in public than ever before, and it probably had something to do with the fact that he was leaving indefinitely the next day, but Dan loved it.

It was an Italian restaurant, and, similar to their getups, they went casual and ordered a pizza. Dan didn’t realize how hungry he was until he got it, and they tore into it, demolishing the medium pizza in only an hour between the two of them.

Each of them picked up their last piece, and Phil reached out to stop Dan before he could take his first bite. “To us,” he said, extending his own slice of pizza. It took Dan a moment to figure out what the hell he was doing, but when he did, he couldn’t help but laugh.

“To us,” Dan repeated, giggling as he toasted the pizza slices and took a massive bite out of his respective slice. 

They left the restaurant stuffed, and Phil agreed to drive home, but when they arrived back in the darkening yard, Phil didn’t stop. Instead he turned back through the gate and drove straight up the hill, parking beside the tree. Dan wasn’t expecting the move, but in hindsight it didn’t surprise him at all. What better way to end a flashback through their time together than on the hill looking up at the stars?

The stars weren’t out yet, but the sunset signaled that they would be arriving soon. Dan peeled himself off the seat, stomach still full of pizza, and followed Phil to the tree. He didn’t particularly want to start climbing in that state, but he knew it was worth it.

Phil was already up to their branch when Dan started making his way up and claimed his seat beside Phil. “This is it, isn’t it?” Dan asked, tearing his eyes from the sunset to make eye contact with Phil. “This is the end.”

“Yeah,” Phil said. “It is.” 

A certain fear entered Dan’s stomach. He was surprised it had room with all the pizza, but it found all the space remaining and filled it with pure discomfort. In front of him, the sunset was beautiful, but he had a painful feeling telling him against every logical cell he had that it was his last. He knew he’d live to see another sunset, and so would Phil, but it felt like the universe would rip in half the moment he left.

Phil reached out and took Dan’s hand, placing them both on his lap. “It’s beautiful, isn’t it?”

“I was just thinking that,” Dan said, leaving out the rest of the thought. 

“Yeah,” Phil said, letting the air fall static. They sat, each of them admiring the sunset and indulging in their individual thoughts as their time ran out until finally Dan’s voice rang out. 

“Let’s just cut to the chase, Phil. This is your last night here for God knows how long. We’re not just gonna spend it sitting here and watching the time go by. I love you, and I want to be with you tonight, not a silent shell of you.” 

Phil turned to him, eyes wide. “You have no idea how long I’ve been waiting or you to say that.”

Suddenly, Phil was on top of him, and he was pushed back against the tree trunk. They could barely balance on the branch, but neither of them seemed to notice, both their focuses on the kiss they were both entranced by. They seemed to pull closer with every breath they took until Dan was sandwiched between Phil and the tree. “Phil,” Dan moaned, distracted.

“Mmm.”

“Phil, there’s a branch in my spine,” Phil immediately backed off of him, allowing him to rescind down the trunk and back to the grass. By then, the world around them was dark, but they were more used to the dark environment than either of them would like to admit. “Well, come on!” Dan shouted up to Phil as he opened and climbed into the truck bed. Phil finally took the hint and scurried down the tree and over to Dan, where they picked up right where they left off. 

That was something Dan valued about his relationship with Phil; they’d managed to get themselves into so many awkward situations throughout their friendship that now that they were dating, it took a hell of a lot to make something awkward.

And so they were left to themselves in the truck bed. No people, no branches, no distractions, just them. And Dan couldn’t get enough of it. Like many moments of the day, it wasn’t even the physical contact that had him on the edge of his seat. It wasn’t sitting in Phil’s lap, hands wrapped around his back as he placed soft, wet kisses up and down Dan’s neck. It wasn’t Phil’s hands in his hair as he gasped for air. It wasn’t urges he had to repress in the best interest of them both. It was just Phil. It was just the two of them there, for the last time in the perceivable future. It was a goodbye, but it wasn’t. In reality, Dan longed for Phil not because of the sweet taste of his kiss, but because he knew that when they separated, it could be their last.

Dan was reluctant to drop to his back and rest his head on Phil’s shoulder, but eventually he gave in and turned his gaze to the stars. It was like separating two pieces of paper recently glued together; they didn’t want to come apart, and they might have broken a bit as they did, but it certainly worked, and they were individual again.

So Dan laid on Phil, who ran his fingers through Dan’s curls. The only sight left for them was the stars overhead. “Dan, have you ever heard of the Big Dipper?”

“Yeah, we’ve talked about it in class before, but I’ve never actually seen it.” 

“Look up there,” Phil said, pointing to a cluster of stars in the shape of a spoon. “That’s the Big Dipper.” 

Dan nodded. “It sure is.”

“You know something cool about the Big Dipper? Or any stars, for that matter?” 

“Hmm?” 

“No matter where you are, you can still see them. If you sit out here and I sit out at night wherever I am, we’ll be looking at the same sky. The same stars, the same moon, the same everything. It’ll be like we’re in the same place.” Phil took Dan’s hand and placed something cold in it. Dan looked down to find the star Phil had given him the previous night. “I got it from your room.” Dan clenched it in his fist as Phil took both of his hands in his, staring into his eyes. In the darkness, Dan could only really see half of Phil’s face, but his eyes, twinkling like the stars overhead, were clear as day. Tears welled up in his own eyes, and he didn’t even try to stop them from falling. “I’ll always be with you. I hope you know that.”

Dan nodded, tears streaming down his cheeks. Even Phil’s eyes were beginning to glisten as he looked into Dan’s.

“I love you, Dan. So much. And I’m going to go out there and fight every single day to keep you safe and get back to you.” He paused, wiping some tears from his eyes and laughing at his own weakness. “That’s all I care about.” 

Dan’s tears turned to sobs as he fell into Phil’s arms, and the sobs began to echo from them both. “I love you, Phil.”

“I love you too,” he said, pulling back and giving Dan a soft, short kiss. It was messy and teary, but it was real, and it was them, and Dan knew it was the last one they would have before he left, leaving him with every cell in his body wishing for more. “I always will.”


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it was all a blur to him, but he knew he would never forget that last time phil held him in his arms. time finally did slow down, the roar around them ceasing just long enough for phil to whisper in his ear. “i love you,” was all he heard before the world came rushing back to him.

Dan woke up in Phil’s bed the next morning, and he wasn’t even granted a moment of oblivious peace. The second he realized where he was, he remembered why. “Phil?” he groaned, pawing around for Phil but not finding him. An irrational fear struck his stomach as he sat up straight, glancing around the empty room. Eventually, he found Phil hanging up shirts in his closet, and his fear alleviated.

“Oh, you’re awake,” he said. “You’d best get going; we have to leave in about an hour.” 

The prior fear was immediately replaced with pure sadness. Dan exhaled deeply and sat up, still under the warmth of the sheets. “Yeah, yeah,” Dan said monotonously, eyes traveling to a suitcase Phil was packing on the floor. He’d put a few of his clothes in it, but he’d mostly be wearing uniforms, so he’d ended up putting most of the discarded clothes from the day before back in his closet to be left unworn. “Leaving.”

“I know, I know,” Phil said, planting a kiss on Dan’s forehead. “I’m not looking forward to it either.” 

Dan reluctantly dragged himself out of bed and downstairs to get some breakfast. He couldn’t help but wish he didn’t have to; every moment he spent doing something arbitrary felt like an insult to the last morning he had with Phil. Breakfast was pointless, a waste of precious time. Dan wished he could just slow down, or even stop time altogether.

But life never seems to work like that. Dan wanted time to slow down, so it sped up. His time whittled away as he got dressed and brushed his teeth, and suddenly the sand had all trickled from the hourglass, and they were piling into Margo and Harold’s car. It wasn’t the first time Dan had been sandwiched in between Phil and Hayden, and it certainly wasn’t the first time he wasn’t happy about it, but it was definitely the worst. With every passing moment, the reality of the situation sunk in a little more.

Eventually, they arrived at the train station, and Dan sucked in a breath. It was the same place he’d been dropped into a new life, and now it was the place it would be taken away from him. He trailed the Lesters into the station, feeling as if he was walking to the guillotine.

“I’m going to go to the restroom,” Dan said, practically begging to be somewhere less overwhelming, if only for a few moments. 

“I’ll go as well,” Phil said, obviously thinking Dan wanted company. Dan sighed, as he really didn’t, but Phil always had a way of cheering him up. Whether his charm would work when he himself was indirectly the problem was questionable, but it was worth a try. 

“Train stations are funny,” Dan said, leaning up against the wall in the busy bathroom. People moved past him and Phil as they conversed, most of them choosing to ignore the boys. 

“How so?” Phil asked, hitting the wall beside him. 

“They have a certain way of ruining my life.” 

“Dan,” Phil trailed off, discreetly grazing his hand across Dan’s. “It’s going to be okay. I’ll write you every day.” 

“Every day?” 

“Every day.” 

“Phil.” Both of them knew what was coming next. They’d been purposefully avoiding the topic, but the elephant in the room had to be addressed eventually. “What happens if you don’t come back?” 

“I don’t know,” Phil said. “Rather than that, I think you should look forward to what will happen when I do.”

“When?” 

“When.” 

Dan slumped against the floor. He knew it was disgusting and grimy, but he didn’t care. “You’re mighty optimistic.”

Phil fell down beside him. “That’s my job.”

“Whose job will it be after you leave?” Dan asked, each of them staring forward into the abyss.

“Yours, I guess.” 

“I’m not good at that.” 

“You can learn. I believe in you.” 

Dan closed his eyes for a moment, too numb to cry. “Hey, Dan?” he heard from beside him. He turned his head to see Phil looking at him. “You’ll wait for me, won’t you?” Fear lived in his eyes, and Dan could tell it was deeply rooted in more than their relationship.

“Forever.” 

Phil took a deep breath and pulled out his pocketwatch. “We’ve got to go.” He pried himself off the dirty floor and Dan did the same. Neither of them wanted to move an inch, but they each forced their feet to move back to the family and off to the platform, where many young men were ready to ship off.

The doors opened and they started piling onto the train; Phil picked up his suitcase and went to say goodbye. Dan barely paid attention as he said his goodbyes to his parents, and all he caught of Hayden’s was a hair ruffle. All he focused on was his own. It was all a blur to him, but he knew he would never forget that last time Phil held him in his arms. Time finally did slow down, the roar around them ceasing just long enough for Phil to whisper in his ear. “I love you,” was all he heard before the world came rushing back to him. Suddenly, everything around him seemed to be moving faster than it was originally. Before he could even orient himself, Phil was disappearing onto the train. The rest of the family behind him, Dan unconsciously moved forward to the front of the platform and watched as the train began to pull out of the station, looking up and down for Phil’s face to pop out of a window. Finally he found him and he waved to Phil, who managed to find him immediately as well. Soon, the train sped out of view, and Phil was gone.

It was then when Dan realized he’d become his mother. He had someone to love, and then they were pulled apart by the train. They had separate destinations; one had somewhere to go, and one had to figure out how to stay. All in all, Dan found himself waving goodbye to his lover on the platform, just as his mother did for his father, and similar to what she did for Dan and Hayden.

Dan fell to the platform, cowering against a brick pillar as tears began to flow down his cheeks. His sobs were loud, but no one could hear them on the crowded platform. He cried out, now stuck feeling more pain than he could have ever imagined. Not only did he have to feel his own pain, but he had to channel everyone else’s too. He thought of Phil’s pain, leaving his life behind just as he had been forced to. He thought of his mother’s pain, which he’d finally grown to truly understand. He even thought of his father, who much have felt just as Phil was feeling that day.

It was a cruel reminder that his life was full of pain. Everyone he’d ever loved had ended up a tragedy, and it all reflected back in on himself at that one moment. Dan threw his head back against the brick and finally did the one thing he’d neglected to do for the last six months of his life.

He let his pain out.


	23. Chapter 23

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “what i’m trying to tell you is... he’ll come back for you. not for me, or his father, or his friends: for you.” she stood up and walked over to the door before turning back to him, both her hands over her heart. “i can feel it.”

“Hey, Dan?” Hayden crouched down and shook his arm a bit. It was a blatant role reversal, Hayden bending down to get on Dan’s level, but Dan didn’t have the mental energy to realize it. He looked up from his knees, where his head was buried, to see Hayden smiling kindly at him. Standing over them were Margo and Harold, each of them giving him a supportive smile as well. He almost felt like smiling back. “Let’s go home.”

The ride home was a bit odd for Dan. He couldn’t really cry anymore; he was all out of tears, and besides; he didn’t want to spend the entire ride bawling beside his eight-year-old brother. Instead, he was just sort of numb. Fearful, unsure how to cope. It was like the war was starting all over again. He had countless fears and questions that couldn’t be answered or even acknowledged, for there were so many of them that he couldn’t focus on one long enough. There was just a numb pain in the back of his head that couldn’t even register. It was a rush of so much feeling that it ended up no feeling at all.

He spent most of the day in his room, unsure of where else to even go. Everywhere he could think of just reminded him of Phil, and that was the last thing he wanted. Around lunchtime, Hayden came in with a tray of food and a deck of playing cards.

“Sorry, bud; I’m not hungry.” 

“Nonsense! You’ve got to eat; come on.” He handed Dan a sandwich, and he reluctantly took a bite. “That’s the spirit!” He took the cards out of the box and started shuffling them. “What do you want to play?”

Dan wanted more than anything to tell him he didn’t want to play at all and that he should just be left to wallow in his own sadness, but he knew it was a mistake. Hayden was making an attempt to make him feel better; he should be trying too.

And so they played, for an hour or so. Dan managed to eat his entire lunch, although each bite made him a bit nauseous. Somehow, playing with Hayden even made him feel a bit better (especially when he won). He even smiled once or twice, almost forgetting his troubles, until Margo walked in.

“Hayden, it’s bath time.” He nodded and ran out to draw himself a bath, leaving Margo and Dan alone in his room. “You know, Dan, your d-” she paused, biting her lip in acknowledgment that she misspoke. “Harold is willing to take you out to get your provisional license today! You can start driving Phil’s truck.” 

Dan bit his lip, the emotion pouring back into his stomach. “I don’t really think I’ll feel up to it today.”

“Dan, you’ve got to get back into life eventually. Why not start early?” 

“It doesn’t work like that.” 

“I know, but you’re better off trying.” 

Dan sighed. “It’s hard. Everything reminds me of him.” Margo sat down beside Dan and immediately fell into mother mode, trying to rub his back in little circles to calm him down. “You’re not my mum.”

She receded, lips pursed tightly. “Dan, you know, it hurts at first, remembering him is the best thing you could possibly do. The more you think of him, the less it will hurt.”

“What do you know?” Dan snapped, not in the mood to hear advice from someone who had no clue what she was talking about.

“More than you think.” He looked up at her and found a weary smile. “My father fought in the Great War. I was very young when he left--about your brother’s age. I really didn’t know how to deal with it, and I ended up bottling up all my feelings and trying to repress him completely. He became such a negative figure to me that when he finally did come home, I couldn’t even speak to him.” 

“Oh, God, I’m sorry.” 

“It’s in the past. Just don’t make the same mistake I did. Remember him. Think about him, cry for him, and live your life like he’s here. I know this time I will. But especially you--if you properly remember him, when he comes back, it’ll be like he never left. And trust me, he’s not going to be thinking about and fighting for me.” She smiled genuinely at him, but he didn’t understand.

“What do you mean?” 

“It’s you, Dan. It’s always been for you.” 

“What the hell are you on about?” 

“He loves you, Dan.” 

Dan’s mind went blank, as if someone cut the cord to his brain. What does one say to that? “What? No, he-” 

“Yes, he does. He’s always been a pretty good, happy kid, but I’ve never seen him quite as happy as he was when he was with you. And I have a feeling you love him too.” 

“How did you know?” Dan asked, completely awestruck. 

She simply grinned. “A mother always knows.”

“God,” Dan moaned, running his hand through his hair. “This is awkward.”

“No, it’s not,” she said, and Dan narrowed his eyebrows at her. “It’s... unorthodox, but I can’t deny him anything that makes him this happy.” Dan felt as if a huge weight had been lifted off his shoulders, and he couldn’t even stop the corners of his mouth from turning up. “But that’s beside the point. What i’m trying to tell you is... He’ll come back for you. Not for me, or his father, or his friends: for you.” She stood up and walked over to the door before turning back to him, both her hands over her heart. “I can feel it.”

Dan stared down at the license in awe. He definitely didn’t expect to get his provisional license that day. Phil would be proud.

After dinner, he ran up to his room and grabbed a notebook and a pencil, waving goodbye to the family and heading out to the truck. He wasn’t going far; he couldn’t drive alone yet. Instead, he simply revved up the engine and drove to the top of the hill.

It was odd being there alone, but it was also a bit comforting. Going to such a special place between the two of them almost made it feel like he wasn’t so alone after all. Dan climbed up the tree, notebook held in between his teeth, and perched himself on their favorite branch, back up against the tree trunk. He flipped to a random page, took a deep breath, and put pencil to paper.

Phil,

It’s been but a few hours, and I already feel like I’m dying. The family is being helpful; Hayden played cards with me, your mum and I had a talk, and your dad took me out to get my provisional license--that’s right, I can LEGALLY drive on the roads now! Did you know your mum knows about us? Maternal instinct, she says. Don’t worry, she’s okay with it. The conversation was quite odd, but I think we’re all in this together.

I’m sorry you’re alone out there. Wherever you are, we’re all thinking of you. Maybe that’ll make you feel a bit less alone

You know, I guess I can’t send this until you send post telling us where you are, can I? I guess I’m writing to nothing now.

I’m on the hill, on our branch. The sun is setting, the stars are beginning to come out from hiding, and I can barely see the paper. It’s beautiful, but it makes me miss you. I guess it’s better than to miss you than to forget you. (Your mum taught me that one.)

I won’t forget you if you don’t forget me.

Love,

Dan

He shut the notebook and rested his head on it, exhaling deeply. How had he been so selfish? He felt he was struggling, but he had support around him from people who loved him. Phil was somewhere, ages away, with nobody but a gun to keep him company. He could only assume he’d make friends, but that didn’t provide him much comfort. War was dark; friends weren’t permanent. These were things he knew but didn’t like to think about; it didn’t give him much hope for Phil’s return.

By that point, the sun had set enough that Dan could see most of the stars. He immediately found the Big Dipper and smiled a bit, pulling out the tiny star in his pocket. He looked at it and up at the stars. No matter how hard he tried to be optimistic, it still wasn’t the same. The stars didn’t have the same glimmer they did with Phil. They didn’t have the same shine or the same joy. They didn’t have the childlike wonder anymore. Not in a world where anything could be taken away at any moment.

But still, they were their stars. They were the same ones that encapsulated the whole earth. He saw the same stars as his mother in London, his father in combat, and Phil wherever he might be.

They were there, all of them, in the stars, and he’d never forget that.


	24. Chapter 24

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it was almost unjust, in dan’s opinion. it didn’t seem quite fair that the sun kept rising and setting. the stars weren’t allowed to come out at night. who gave the clocks the right to keep ticking? how could the world continue to function when he hadn’t properly functioned in months? how could everything go on as normal when the love of his life could be dead at any moment and he’d never even know?

Dan would have liked to have said that the time passed quickly, but that wasn’t even close to true. Dan hadn’t a clue how long Phil would be gone, but each passing day felt longer and longer.

It started with the wait for an address. Dan spent the first few weeks in which he was forced to be alone simply waiting. Every day he wrote to Phil, but he had no way to send any of the letters, so he was really just writing to a nonexistent entity not even he could fathom. Maybe he was even writing to God. 

Those were the kinds of deep, pointless thoughts that consumed Dan as he sat alone those few weeks. Sure, he spent most of his time with Hayden or even with Margo and Harold, but that didn’t change the fact that he was left to sit around all day in the same house where he had so many memories with his absent lover. It sounded like a cheesy romance movie, but it was really just his life. 

No matter what he did, he always ended up sitting in the tree on the top of the hill as the sun went down. Sometimes he went up there because he needed an escape. Sometimes he missed Phil, so he slipped his star into his pocket and drove up. Sometimes he just felt like it wouldn’t be right if he didn’t go. Regardless of how he got there, he found himself there every day for the few, painful weeks he was left to write to the void, and it would eventually become tradition for him. 

One morning, Margo knocked on his door shortly after he had woken up. “Come in,” he muttered, and she appeared holding an envelope and beaming. “He wrote.” 

Suddenly Dan was wide awake and scrambling to the foot of the bed to take the letter from her. “We got our own; this one’s addressed to you. I assumed I’d probably be better off not reading it.” She grinned and left Dan alone with his letter. Tears of joy filled his eyes as he tore it open and let his eyes sprint down the page. 

Dan,

I know how excited you’ve been to write me; I’m sorry it’s taken this long to get you a letter. I’ve been quite mobile over the last few weeks. I just completed training and am now stationed on the front lines in France. It’s chaos, but the others are helping me get used to it. Unless there’s activity, I should have time to write you every night. The address you can use to post me is on the envelope. 

I know this is scary, but I’m okay. I’ll be back. Remember, we’re under the same stars. 

With love, 

Phil 

Dan fell dramatically against the pillows and sobbed. Thousands of thoughts were running through his brain, from fear for Phil fighting in the war to relief to finally hear from him and everything in between. They were under the same stars, and they were thinking of and writing to each other each day. Suddenly, optimism and pure emotion were breathed back into Dan. 

“Why couldn’t it have been longer, you piece of shit?” he asked, even though he knew Phil couldn’t hear him. He could finally write to Phil, but he was still speaking into nothingness. 

Later that day, Dan addressed a large envelope full of letters and convinced Harold to let him drive to the post office and mail them. Dan was quite liking his ability to drive, even if it was only with Margo or Harold in the car with him. He was incredibly thankful for the home he’d been given after leaving London, but it held too many memories. Each step towards a driver’s license was a step towards somewhere--anywhere else. 

Things got a bit easier for Dan after the first letter came in. It was overwhelmingly comforting to hear from Phil every day, and Phil told him often how comforting it was to hear from him as well. Margo wrote as well, but nowhere near as often as Dan. He found himself spending most of his already limited money on postage. 

Encouraged by Phil, Dan wrote every day, even if he didn’t have much to say. He wrote every mundane detail he could come up with that would fit on one page, simply because he knew it would make Phil happy. Along the way, it made him feel a little bit better too. 

Even with the writing, Dan’s optimism faded as time dragged on. It felt like the war was never going to end. 

It was almost unjust, in Dan’s opinion. It didn’t seem quite fair that the sun kept rising and setting. The stars weren’t allowed to come out at night. Who gave the clocks the right to keep ticking? How could the world continue to function when he hadn’t properly functioned in months? How could everything go on as normal when the love of his life could be dead at any moment and he’d never even know? 

School started back, and coping became even more difficult for Dan. Not only did he have to keep his emotions in check, but he also had to deal with a heavy workload in his final year of school. Somehow, he was more overwhelmed than ever before, and his communication with Phil didn’t help much. 

He tried his best to drive up the hill every night, but sometimes he couldn’t even find the time. He never let more than a day pass without writing, but he felt bad for Phil. Dan hated when Phil didn’t write. Every now and then, he would be on night watch, and he’d become so tired that he’d simply forget, or the post would fall behind and he’d miss one day and then get two letters the next. Understandably, Dan had the fear of God struck into him every day he didn’t get a letter. 

Thankfully, the letters always kept coming. As much as Dan loved them, even they managed to stress him out occasionally; keeping up with the one to two day delay of Phil’s writing took mental energy he often didn’t have. When he was caught up, though, the letters were a promised escape from the Phil-less world around him. 

Time continued to drone on, and the holidays would soon be rolling around. It seemed almost as impossible to Dan that a holiday could exist in the dreary world he lived in as it did that he’d been with the Lesters for almost a year. The family seemed to be excited for Christmas, but Dan was just reminded of the life in London that he had begun to miss again for the first time in months. 

He sat in front of the radio after dinner one evening early in December listening to jazz. It was a fairly peaceful day for him; he’d managed to beat his demons, at least for the time being. Those were his favorite days, the ones where he could put his thoughts aside and remember the times when he’d truly enjoyed living in that house. 

Suddenly, the music cut out. “We interrupt this broadcast with an important bulletin from the United States.” 

Dan’s eyes went wide. “It’s a message from the States!” he shouted, and the entire family gathered around. 

“We have just received word that Pearl Harbor, a United States Naval Base in Hawaii, has been bombed by the Japanese Air Force. It is unclear how many casualties and losses have been suffered, in terms of both men and ships. It is also unclear if the United States will declare war as a result, but this is a new and powerful development in the newborn War in the Pacific. Stay tuned for more on this.” 

Dan assumed the announcement cut off and jazz music continued playing, but by then he’d tuned it out. “Do you know what this means?” he said to the others, all eyes wide. “If the US joins the war, we may be able to end this!” 

“Aha!” Harold laughed, giving Dan a slap on the back as he rose from his chair, beaming. 

“Huh?” Hayden asked, having maintained a shred of his naivety throughout the year. 

“With the states on our side, we can surely defeat Germany!” Margo exclaimed, picking the boy up and spinning him around. 

The music came back to Dan’s ears, and he joined in the dance. Before they could even think, all four of them were dancing with uncontrollable joy. Dan moved mindlessly and gleefully, his thoughts occupied by his pen and notebook sitting upstairs in his bedroom. Tonight, his letter to Phil would be a lighthearted one. Then, he could only think of Phil and his infantry receiving the news and dancing just as they were. Even more than before, he couldn’t stop smiling at his last, sticking thought. 

Maybe Phil would be home soon after all.


	25. Chapter 25

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it was almost unjust, in dan’s opinion. it didn’t seem quite fair that the sun kept rising and setting. the stars weren’t allowed to come out at night. who gave the clocks the right to keep ticking? how could the world continue to function when he hadn’t properly functioned in months? how could everything go on as normal when the love of his life could be dead at any moment and he’d never even know?

December taught Dan a lot about life without Phil. He started the month in a dark place, not only missing Phil but also his family. But as the month went on, he began to see light again. 

First, midway through the month was Hayden’s ninth birthday. He was thrilled, but Dan was too caught up in missing everyone he cared about to even show interest. It wasn’t until Margo came and told him how upset Hayden was that he realized how selfish he was being. 

From then on, his perspective changed. As much as he missed his parents and Phil, their absence was a chance for him to focus on Hayden and fulfilling all his needs. After all, Hayden needed someone just as much as Dan did. 

Dan spent the rest of Hayden’s birthday with him, and they became practically inseparable. Of course, they each went to their own school and did their own homework, but they spent every other possible moment together. Sometimes Hayden would even come up to the hill with Dan and help him write to Phil. 

Phil seemed to love getting input from Hayden, especially as the holidays rolled by. Margo and Harold were generous enough to give the boys some money to put together a care package for Phil. Dan’s gifts were cute, and they were very Phil, but Dan was confident that the mundane candy bars and favorite snacks Hayden threw in would mean more to Phil than anything Dan picked out. However, the most important thing to all three of them was the photograph they included. 

Phil did indeed love his Christmas gifts from both the boys, especially the picture. He even said just seeing their faces brought tears to his eyes, and Dan found himself tearing up reading it. He sent some discarded bullet shells as thanks, and Dan gave them to Hayden. He seemed excited, but they just made Dan feel nauseous. 

As the new year rolled around, Dan began to feel more like himself again. The family counted down the seconds until midnight, and Dan picked his brother up and twirled him around as 1942 began. It seemed crazy, but his strengthened relationship with his brother almost patched the hole left by Phil. 

Dan hated to admit it, but Hayden was pretty much the only thing holding him together in early 1942. He’d always resolved to be strong for Hayden, but so much had happened that the tables had completely turned. It was pathetic that the nine-year-old was the strong one, but Dan couldn’t have been more thankful for it. 

Another winter of snowball fights passed, but this time there were only two sides. They brought out feelings in Dan that he couldn’t quite describe; he was happy, outside playing with Hayden, but there was a somber undertone that could only be solved by Phil’s presence. 

That was how most of both the winter and the spring went. Dan was legitimately happy with his life, which was more relieving than any outsider could ever comprehend, but almost everything he did reminded him of things he did with Phil a year earlier. There were snowball fights, Easter egg hunts, Hayden’s occasional seizure, and eventually exams, and he thought of Phil through it all. And somehow, as it kept happening, it got easier. 

It was like he was dead, in the best possible way. Dan was going through the entire grieving process, except his loved one wasn’t even actually dead. At first, thinking of him constantly brought him pain, but as time went on, it became more comforting than anything else. Whenever he thought of Phil, he thought of the little metal star in his pocket, and he felt like Phil was there with him. Life felt like life again.

Finally, after a long spring of painful self discovery and significantly more painful studies, it was time for Dan to graduate. As he hung the bag carrying his cap and gown in the small back seat of the truck, Dan felt closer to Phil than ever before. Everything he was doing, Phil had done one short year ago. It was like he had passed Dan the baton and now it was Dan’s turn. 

As Dan looked at himself in his cap and gown later that day, he saw Phil. He saw the the man he loved go up on stage and get his diploma in the same clothes he was now wearing, and suddenly a bit of the sadness began seeping back in, but it was different this time. In the past, the sadness got to him. But this time, it was a softer, loving sadness. An appreciative, almost happy sadness. 

He smiled at himself, blinking back tears as he stepped away from the mirror and out of the bathroom to where all the graduates were lining up. Time blurred in his head as he followed everyone out and listened to speeches. He barely even remembered the walk to the stage, but suddenly he was shaking hands with the headmaster and grasping his diploma. 

And then it was over. 

“It” could easily have been his time on the stage, the graduation ceremony, or even his time in secondary school. But to Dan, “it”, was much more than that. 

Dan hadn’t had much time to think about how much his graduation changed things. Soon he’d be eighteen, and then he’d be leaving. Even more so than ever, everything he knew was dissolving. 

But for once, Dan wasn’t scared. 

After all he’d been through and everything that had left him behind, it was his turn. It was his choice what to leave behind now. 

Dan felt the metal star in his pants pocket underneath his gown and thought of writing Phil when he got back home. There was a certain empowerment to it all, and, for the first time, Dan could almost understand why Phil left. 

Dan beamed as he threw his cap into the air along with the other graduates. 

Now onto the future.


	26. Chapter 26

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> he looked into the cloudless, blue sky and saw the fading moon, a beautiful remnant of the night during the day. dan thought of both phil and hayden as he remembered the stars never truly left them.

The future was harder than Dan thought. 

He easily managed to avoid the draft; all he had to do was tell them he was gay, and they avoided him like the plague. The challenge was what to do next.

He’d applied for and gotten into a university in northern England, and he fully planned to study there, but he hadn’t figured out one massive issue: Hayden. 

He would have applied for a university in London had Hayden not been there, but he wanted to take him with him, and London still wasn’t safe for a child. The air raids weren’t as serious as they used to be, but it was still better to keep him out of the city. So Dan chose to go north to study, but as time passed, he became less and less confident that Hayden should even go with him. 

The summer passed at a normal rate of time. The last six months had gone slow because Phil wasn’t there, but the fact that he’d have to leave at the end of the summer counteracted that back to normal. 

Not much changed over those few months; Dan and Phil wrote back and forth every day, and Dan still held Hayden close, including him in nearly every aspect of his life. 

Eventually, though, the summer ended, and it was time for Dan to move on. As anxious as he was for university, he was more anxious for the decision he had to make before he left. But as much as he hated to admit it, he’d made the decision long ago. 

“Margo, can I talk to you for a moment?” Dan asked as she set laundry down on his bed a few days before he was set to leave. One of the few changes of the summer was that Dan had grown closer to Margo; she had become one of his strongest emotional support systems, third only to Hayden and his letters to Phil. 

“Of course; what is it?” 

He positioned himself facing to her side and stared down at the string on his sweatpants. “Well, obviously I’m leaving in a couple days, and I really want to take Hayden with me, but… I can’t.” He wrung his hands together and looked up at her; she beckoned him to continue. “He’s everything to me, and I want to be there for him more than anything, but I don’t even know if I’m going to be able to take care of myself at uni. Trying to focus on my studies while also financially and emotionally supporting a nine-year-old… There’s no way I’d be able to do it.” 

She took his hand and looked into his already glossy eyes. “I had a feeling this would happen.” She smiled at him, squeezing his hand. “We’ll take good care of him, you know. He can write you every day.” 

“Ah, writing,” Dan laughed as the tears began to fall. “I’m doing the same to him as Phil did to me, aren’t I?” 

She cocked an eyebrow and stared into the distance. “Sort of, I suppose. But this is different. Imagine what would happen if you took him with you. He’d be emotionally neglected, and who’s to say you’ll even be able to feed him?” 

“You’re probably right, but at least he’d be with me.” 

“Dan, I promise you,” she said, taking his other hand and turning him to face her. “He’ll be happy here.” 

Dan nodded, blinking out tears. He tore his hands from hers and wiped them from his face. “It’s what’s best for us all.” 

She nodded back and stood up, walking over to the door. “I’ll let you tell him,” she said as she left. 

Dan took a deep breath. Hayden would be heartbroken.

The day before he was supposed to move into his dorm, Harold took Dan to get his driver’s license. He had elected to drive to uni alone; having to watch Hayden drive away with Margo and Harold would be far too painful. 

He drove home with a heavy heart; normally a young adult would be thrilled to get their license, but Dan knew that when he made it back to the house he would have to break the news to Hayden, and he was nowhere near ready for that. 

He parked the truck and pocketed the keys. He decided not to put it off any longer, marching straight up to Hayden’s room and knocking on the already open door. “Can we talk for a moment?” 

“Of course! I could use a break from packing,” Hayden said, and Dan glanced at his half-packed suitcase. 

“Yeah, about that…” Dan trailed off, and Hayden began to show concern. “I don’t think you should come with me.” 

“What?” he asked, his voice more childish than usual. It was almost pathetic, and Dan swallowed nervously. 

“I don’t know if I’ll be able to support you the way I should at uni, at least not for the first year. But I’ll be back to visit you over the summer and during every holiday, and you can write to me every day.” 

“But I want to be with you!” Hayden cried, his face reddening with held back tears. The worst part was that Dan knew exactly what he was feeling. 

“I know, and I want to be with you too, but it’s not what’s best for either of us right now. You’ll still be here with Margo and Harold and all your school friends who love you.” 

“But I don’t want them! I want you!” 

Dan got down on his knees, making him a few inches shorter than his brother. “I’ll still be here. I’ll always be right here,” he said, pointing to the boy’s heart. It was a cheesy gesture, but it was a comforting one. 

Hayden threw his arms around Dan, sobbing into his shoulder. “Please don’t leave me.” 

With that, the gravity of it all hit him. He was all the real family the boy had left, and he was practically going to be alone without him. But it was unrealistic to think that Dan could handle caring for a child at university, and the last thing he’d ever heard his mother say still rang painfully in his head as if it had been said a mere day ago.

“Take good care of him.” 

Dan knew the only way he could do that was by letting him go. “I’m sorry.” 

The morning was a somber one for them all. Dan finished off his packing and looked back into his empty room; it was just as he had found it the day he arrived there. So much had happened since then; so much had changed. Dan’s entire life had been flipped upside down multiple times, some in the best and some in the worst way possible. The farmhouse held so many memories for him that leaving it was almost as painful as leaving its occupants. 

Dan had a brief breakfast; he wasn’t very hungry. He carried his luggage out to the truck and gazed up at the hill, the sun hidden behind the tree, which would soon begin to lose its leaves. Dan remembered times when the tree had no leaves; he could see the stars better then. 

“I’m going to run up to the hill; I’ll be back to say my goodbyes!” he called into the house before jumping into the driver’s seat and taking the truck up the hill for one last time. He reached into the small bag of things he’d packed knowing he’d need them during the day and pulled out his notebook and a pen. He climbed the tree, materials in his teeth, without even thinking about it. After so long, it had become instinctual to him. 

He perched himself on his branch and leaned against the trunk, flipping to an empty page and beginning to write. First, he wrote to Phil. telling him of the weight the day carried and all the memories running through his head. He wrote of his love and of his sorrow, and he wrote of the pain he had to inflict on Hayden and his final understanding of what Phil had to do to him. 

He looked into the cloudless blue sky and saw the fading moon, a beautiful remnant of the night during the day. Dan thought of both Phil and Hayden as he remembered the stars never truly left them.

He turned to the next page and wrote to Hayden. He would add to the page after he arrived at uni, but for that moment, he wrote simply of their lives together, of their joint situation, of the house they’d both learned to love, and of their love for each other that Dan knew would never fade. He’d have liked to believe he simply wrote the message to send to Hayden to comfort him, but somewhere deep down he knew it was also for himself. For the second time, leaving was the hardest thing he’d ever had to do.

He drove back down the hill and left the engine running as he walked back into the house. “I have to go now,” he said to the family sitting in the kitchen. A deep sigh echoed from the room. They all knew the time would come, but none of them were ready for it. 

Dan hugged Harold and Margo goodbye before gesturing towards Hayden to follow him to the door. When they reached the doorway, Dan crouched down to Hayden’s height and pulled him in for the tightest hug either of them had ever had. Neither wanted to let go, but they each knew it was time to break the last physical, familial bond they had left. 

“I love you,” Dan said to his brother, already having to fight back tears. 

“I love you too, Danny.” 

He pulled back and turned away, trying to pull himself together. He walked out to the truck and took it out of park, looking back at the house and the three people standing to send him off. “Goodbye, now! I’ll write as soon as I arrive!” he called back as he turned towards the drive away from the house. In his mirror, he could see Hayden sadly waving goodbye, tears in his eyes as Margo and Harold gripped his shoulders. He tore his eyes away from the image, tears finally welling up in his own eyes. 

As soon as the family was out of view, he relented and let himself cry. Shortly after he got onto the road, he had to pull over and wipe his eyes because he couldn’t see well enough to drive. He sat on the side of the road for what must have been at least fifteen or thirty minutes, head in his hands. There was no more appropriate reaction; that day, he lost the last thing he had left of his life in London. As of that morning, truly everything had changed.


	27. Chapter 27

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> dan soundly slept through the night; he must have been tired, as every logical position said he would have woken up multiple times either from situational anxiety or discomfort of the hospital floor. when he woke up, sun was shining through the windows, and margo wasn’t breathing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter’s super duper sad and kinda dark so be careful reading it! (features death) it should be better next chapter :)

University was difficult for Dan, but he managed to keep up. As a law student, he’d found himself in about the hardest program possible, but the time it took up managed to distract him from all the people he missed. 

Of course, he still wrote to both Phil and Hayden every day, but his studies kept him from thinking about them every moment of every day, which was an extreme step up. 

His first semester was the hardest for multiple reasons. Being alone for the first time was a terrible struggle; he barely knew how to provide for himself. Had it not been for his roommate, he probably wouldn’t have managed to remember his schedule or even buy food. 

Luckily, he did make some friends while he was there. He chose to avoid most of the party scenes after being invited to one party and being hit on by multiple girls, but he found himself in plenty of study groups with other kids sharing his same struggles. He even met a few people who had loved ones off in the war and managed to bond with them over the shared situation. It was surprising, through all the stress, but Dan was somehow happy there. 

Despite his happiness at uni, Dan was even happier when his midterms were finished and it was time to go home for Christmas holiday.

When he pulled into the driveway, Hayden was waiting on the porch, bundled up in the cold. “Danny!” he shouted, and Dan was more than happy with the fact that he would never forget the joy on the child’s face. Dan jumped out of the truck and ran up to give him a hug. He’d gotten taller since Dan left. 

There was a certain warmth coming from the hug; he hadn’t left his brother since he was born, and reuniting with him after a few, long months was sweet enough that it materialized in warmth. 

Spending the holidays with Hayden and the family was nice, but being back in the house with nothing to do made it difficult not to think about Phil. Everything he did brought a sense of joy about him, even when it was negative, because he felt at home throughout it all, but he also felt a deep sadness he refused to acknowledge. Everything reminded him of both Hayden and Phil, and they just balanced out for him to have a decent holiday.

It was nice to head back up to the tree on the days when it wasn’t snowing or freezing; he even took Hayden with him so it would be just like the days of the past summer. On snowy days, he managed to have a snowball fight or two with Hayden, just as they did with Phil two years earlier. 

It was odd to think two years had passed; time was a bizarre construct that Dan had yet to figure out through the chaos. The day he first arrived two years earlier was one of the hardest for Dan to spend at the house, but he made it through. 

After a bittersweet few weeks, it was finally time for Dan to head back to uni. Dan and Hayden both were a bit less of wrecks that time, which comforted Dan plenty. Both knew it was time for Dan to go back to his adult life. 

It was about halfway through the spring semester when Dan was approached by the head of his dorm and told he was wanted by the president of the school. Dan was anxious as he approached the office, but it was significantly worse than he had thought. 

“Mr Howell, correct?” he asked, and Dan nodded. “We’ve received a call from a hospital in southwest England. Do you happen to have a brother named Hayden?” 

Dan’s heart raced. Hayden must have had an episode with his epilepsy. “Yes, sir; he’s my brother.” 

“He told the doctors to call you, and they called the university and told me to relay the message. He and who I assume are your parents were in a car crash last night. He’s alright, but your parents are in critical condition. I’m sorry.” 

Dan’s mind joined his heart in the race, and he hadn’t a clue what to say. “Thank you,” he muttered before blankly standing and walking out of the room. He had no memory of the latter of this interaction; he was buried in his own thoughts. 

Were they going to be alright? What would happen to Hayden if something happened to Margo and Harold? How could he ever tell Phil? What if Dan never got the chance to tell Margo how much she’d helped him after Phil left? Dan ran around campus to all his professors to tell them he’d have to go before frantically packing his things and hitting the road. He had to go home. 

He arrived at the same hospital where they’d taken Hayden for his past seizures and inquired a secretary near the front entrance as to whether or not the family was there. 

“Do you have Margo and Harold Lester?” he asked, eyes wide with anticipation and fear. 

“What’re they in for?” she asked in a careless voice. 

“They were in a car crash.” 

“Ask emergency.” 

Dan rolled his eyes and trekked to the emergency room, where he was told they’d been taken to intensive care. He finally made it to the ICU and the secretary there gave him a room number.

Margo and Harold were the only two in the room. The fact that Hayden didn’t have to be surrounded by complete strangers would have reassured him had he not been brought to tears just by the sight of them. It was barely possible to tell who they were; Harold was in a full body cast, and Margo had multiple casts on her body and even more bruises. A sob escaped his mouth as he looked at them; they were both unconscious. It was only a moment later when Dan realized Hayden was nowhere to be found. He was about to panic when a doctor walked in. 

“You must be Daniel,” the doctor said, looking down at his clipboard. 

“Yes, I am.” 

“Your brother is downstairs in the cafeteria. We’ve tried to find him somewhere else to go, but he refused to leave and had us call you. A nurse took him to get some food; they’ll be back soon.” 

“Thank you, doctor. What happened?” Dan gestured towards the beds, refusing to look back at them again. He couldn’t imagine Hayden having had to witness that tragedy occur.

“They were driving and were hit head on by a drunkard. The front half of the car was bashed in, and they were both hit hard. Your brother was in the backseat, so he was flung forward and hit the driver’s seat. He’s got a good few bruises, and he jammed his arm in between the seat and the door and broke it, but he’s generally doing alright. Obviously he’s already been discharged.”

Dan nodded, speechless. “Hayden!” he shouted as he saw the boy coming up behind the doctor. A nurse wandered behind him nonchalantly smoking a cigarette. 

“Oh, good, the brother. Finally.” She didn’t seem to care much. 

Dan tried to hug Hayden, but he winced, so he backed off. He took a step back and looked at his brother; he had a bandaged cut on his forehead and bruises on one arm and a cast on the other. Regardless, he was beaming. “It’s so good to see you.” 

The first night was the easiest; Dan took Hayden home and they packed him a hospital bag full of his favorite clothes, toys, and snacks. They spent the evening together in front of the radio, and Dan couldn’t help but feel odd being in the house without Margo and Harold. There was a certain emptiness about it he couldn’t quite describe. 

They slept at the house that night and drove back to the hospital in the morning. There was an unwritten agreement that they simply wouldn’t talk about the incident. Dan couldn’t imagine how Hayden was feeling; after all he’d been through, he ended up in a car accident watching the second set of parents he got nearly bleed to death. 

They arrived at the hospital to a doctor holding them out of the room. “Harold is having a bit of an...incident. Have you had breakfast yet? You should go get some breakfast.” 

“We’ve already eat-” Before Dan even had a chance to finish, the doctor whipped back around and rushed back into the room. Dan sighed and took Hayden’s hand. “Do you want some ice cream?” 

Dan didn’t love feeding his brother ice cream at 10:00 in the morning, but he assumed it was better than whatever was to be found in the hospital room. They came back upstairs two ice cream cones later to find Harold hooked up to a breathing machine. “Why don’t you find something fun to play with in your backpack?” he asked Hayden, and he nodded and went to the chair in the corner of the room, where he started looking through his bag for something to occupy him. “I’ll be right back.” 

Dan left the room and found the doctor he’d spoken to the day before. “What happened to him?” 

“They’re both suffering from a lot of internal bleeding, and his flared up. Neither of them are stable; if I’m being honest with you, I don’t know if they’ll make it through the day.” 

Dan took a deep breath and bit his lip, looking back at Hayden in the corner of Margo and Harold’s room. “Thank you.”

He turned on his heel and walked over to Hayden, who was playing solitaire. “Got room for another?” 

It was a slow day of card games and hospital food until Harold gasped. Both the boys jumped and turned to his bed, where he was writhing in pain. Dan turned to Hayden, who looked about ready to cry on the site. “Come on,” he said, pulling him out of the room. “Doctor!” 

They let the doctors rush past them in a second attempt to save Harold, and Hayden started to cry. “Danny, is he dying?” 

Dan took a split second to consider this question. “I don’t know,” he replied, and Hayden’s sobs got louder. His parenting skills could definitely use some work. “But it’s going to be okay, alright? We’ve gotten through a lot together over the years, and we’re going to get through this.” 

Hayden’s cries softened until they stopped, and Dan wiped the tears from his brother’s puppy dog eyes. “Okay.” 

A doctor came out of the room and threw his bloody gloves in a trash can. “I’m sorry,” he said to the two of them, putting on a sad face although Dan knew this wasn’t new to him, “he’s gone.” 

Dan took Hayden’s hand and led him in to where Harold lay lifeless. He had a bit of blood around his mouth, but otherwise he looked as normal as a dead person could. “Do you want to say goodbye?” 

Hayden held back tears this time, as if he’d accepted the situation. Dan was so numb by then that he couldn’t think or feel enough to cry. “Goodbye, Harold.” He stood there for a moment, taking and squeezing his limp hand. “Thank you.” 

Dan finally broke at that, holding back tears of his own. “Bye, then,” he said, smiling weakly at the man who took him in. He thought of the times he’d taken Dan out driving. “Thanks for everything.” 

The doctors took him away shortly after, stopping to tell Dan they expected Margo to follow. According to them, it wouldn’t be as violent, but she was doing gradually worse rather than better. Eventually, her body would simply stop functioning.

After Hayden fell asleep in the chair, Dan stood at Margo’s bedside clutching her hand. “Please don’t leave,” he whispered. “I just want to be able to tell you how much you matter to me. Never has anyone supported me as much as you, save for Phil and maybe Hayden. I thought it was impossible, but you truly took on the role of my mum while I’ve been away from her. I don’t know how to express how thankful I am for that.” He paused for a moment, looking up at her closed eyes. In the dark, she reminded him of Phil. “And thank you for giving me the love of my life.”

Dan soundly slept through the night; he must have been tired, as every logical position said he would have woken up multiple times either from situational anxiety or discomfort of the hospital floor. When he woke up, sun was shining through the windows, and Margo wasn’t breathing. 

He left Hayden asleep and got up to call a doctor in; they concluded that she didn’t have a pulse, and Dan woke up Hayden. “It’s time to say goodbye.” 

This was a rougher goodbye for the both of them; apparently Hayden had grown closer to Margo since Dan had left. When they eventually wheeled her out, Dan slid down against the wall, his head in his hands. He’d been expecting this result, and although they both cried over Margo, Dan’s thoughts were occupied mostly by something else.

“How am I going to tell Phil?”


	28. Chapter 28

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> dan quickly found that not knowing was his least favorite thing. he knew very well that most battles took a few days, but that didn’t do much to comfort him. it must have been a significant battle if phil put away the pen for days at a time; that was quite rare. dan had no idea when, if ever, he would pick it back up, and it didn’t get much worse than that.

The few days following Margo and Harold’s deaths were hard, but nowhere near as hard as Dan had anticipated. Sure, it was difficult working with members of his foster family that he’d never even met before to arrange affairs, but that was about the worst of it. As for his emotions, those had been long abandoned. He left them in the hospital with the couple that took him in. He almost had to; he had new problems. 

After the funeral proceedings, it came into question what would become of Hayden. with his foster parents gone, he would have to move somewhere else. The question was where. 

Dan wasn’t ready to care for a child; even after a year at uni, he could still barely care for himself. But Hayden had to go somewhere, and Dan trusted strangers even less than he trusted himself. 

“Hayden?” Dan asked one morning as he made them both toast. He’d decided to take the rest of the semester off, having already missed so many classes. He didn’t want to have to retake his courses from the beginning, but he didn’t particularly have much of a choice. 

“Yeah?” he replied simply and carelessly as he took a sip of his juice. 

“What comes next?” 

Hayden snapped out of his normal routine and looked up at Dan. “What do you mean?” 

“Well, it’s just the two of us now. I know you want to stay with me, but what does that mean for us? Do you want to stay here? Is it okay for you if we leave?” 

Hayden looked like a deer in headlights; those questions were a lot for a nine-year-old to consider, but he was one hell of a mature nine-year-old. Regardless, Dan would obviously make the final decision. 

“I don’t know,” he said, shrugging, “I’ve made some great friends here, but don’t you want to go back to uni?” 

Dan shrugged back at him. “I’ve had to drop my classes for this semester already. Besides, I honestly don’t know if I can give you the care that you need while also dealing with uni. I don’t think I can. So if we need to stay here, at least until this godforsaken war ends, then so be it.” 

Hayden bit his lip and stared off into the distance a moment before slowly beginning to nod. “I think I’d like that.” 

And so it was. 

Again, Dan really didn’t have a choice. Logistically, there was no way he could take Hayden back to uni at the age he was, and Dan wasn’t willing to give him to another foster family. They’d gotten lucky the first time, and lighting rarely strikes twice. 

So Dan found and took a job in the town’s only factory. Usually it would have been packed, but most of the men were at war, so it was him, a few other men, and loads of women stepping in. For a factory, the conditions weren’t bad, and it payed enough to keep him and Hayden afloat. 

Having figured out his plans for the near future, Dan moved on to the next problem: telling Phil about his parents. 

He was utterly conflicted. Should he tell Phil and risk him becoming grief-stricken on the battlefield, or should he withhold the information and risk him being angry upon his return? Both options had their consequences, but as per usual, he wasn’t given much of a choice. 

He hadn’t been giving any thought to Hayden’s presence in his letters; whenever Dan was with Hayden, he allowed the boy to help him write to Phil. It was simply what they did. To Dan, with all that had happened, it made perfect sense for him and Hayden to be writing together, but Phil was completely clueless. 

It was only a week or two after Dan and Hayden started living together that Phil became suspicious. He wrote a couple times about the matter, wondering why Dan was with Hayden rather than at uni. It was a valid question; Dan just didn’t want to answer it. 

Eventually he found a solution. He wrote Phil a half-truth, telling him something had happened involving his family that caused Dan to move back home. He felt guilty, so he wrote the truth in another letter and attached it to the first with a warning that it contained bad news. Phil could read it at his discretion. 

Dan never got another letter about it. 

Things began to return to normal, in the letters at least. In Dan’s real life, it became the new normal. More accurately, normal ceased to exist at all. There hadn’t been a true normal since he left London, although he liked to believe there was. No normal lasted longer than a year or two; life was too fast-paced. He was simply left to do the best he could day in and day out. It became a simple cycle. Work, letters, work, letters. 

That was routine for the rest of 1943. Dan watched as Hayden grew up before his eyes, taking the occasional pay raise to continue to care for him. Winter came and went; Dan would forever cherish the evenings spent by the radio writing letters with his brother. Hayden had turned ten during the rush; they managed to scrape together enough extra rations to make a cake, and it was the best damn cake either of them had ever eaten. Winter was by no means easy, but it taught them each something about what joy truly was. It wasn’t a perfect life; it was the occasional perfect experience shared with those you love. 

Before Dan knew it, it was summer again. The passing seasons were barely meaningful to him; he remembered springs and summers from years past, but things had changed since then. His job had been the biggest change, especially in the summertime. Summer had always been a time for Dan to stay home with Hayden, but there was no summer break in factory work. As much as he hated it, Dan was forced to leave Hayden alone and go to work. 

It had been a little over a week of the odd summer when they received a concerning letter from Phil. It was a warning that he would likely not write for a while; he claimed to be a part of a massive operation. Dan knew tone didn’t come across well in writing, but he could tell Phil was worried. Whatever was about to happen was very dangerous. 

It was only a couple days of worrying later when the operation Phil referred to became obvious. Dan and Hayden were listening to the radio one morning while eating their breakfast when the sound was interrupted. 

Dan held his breath; radio interruptions were infamous by that point. 

“We have received word that Allied troops have crossed the English Channel and made landfall on the Normandy beaches in France. This is the first step, we assume, in an attempt to take back France from the Nazis. This is breaking news, listeners; we will update as we hear more.” 

Dan and Hayden each sat in silence for a moment, allowing each other time to sort their thoughts. Dan’s were purely fearful. From what Phil had told him, he spent most of his time working as a medic; he wasn’t usually on the front lines. This time, however, countless troops would be arriving and storming the beaches at once; anything could happen.

To make matters worse, Dan knew virtually nothing about the situation. Hell, he didn’t even know if Phil was actually there. If his infantry was advancing into Germany, why would they withdraw for this operation? It could very well have been something completely different. 

Dan quickly found that not knowing was his least favorite thing. He knew very well that most battles took a few days, but that didn’t do much to comfort him. It must have been a significant battle if Phil put away the pen for days at a time; that was quite rare. Dan had no idea when, if ever, he would pick it back up, and it didn’t get much worse than that.

There was a tense feeling in the air as the battle raged. Hayden generally kept to himself, as it was obvious that Dan was stressed. The radio was constantly tuned to a news station, and Dan had a tendency to check for post every few minutes while he was at home. It was odd, the worry they each held. Their lives could have gone on completely normally without the battle; they could very well have not known it was happening. The only thing holding them back from the world was Phil’s possible tether to the bloodbath. 

Five miserable days passed before word came through the radio that the allies had secured the beaches. It was obvious that they were nowhere near taking over the entire country of France, but it was also obvious that the battles had ceased for the time being, and the fighters would be given time to rest. 

The next day of waiting was the worst of all; truly it was hell on earth to know that either the next letter was in the mail, or it would never come. When Dan returned home from a distracted day of work, he found a letter on the floor in front of the door. 

He gasped as he snatched up the letter and read the address; the handwriting was Phil’s. 

He let out a breath he very well knew he was holding in as he fell back against the door. A smile crossed his face as tears began to stream down his cheeks, his breath shaking as he fell to the floor. All the emotion he’d been holding in since the last letter came out at once, and all he could feel from the blend was relief. Phil was safe, and that was all that mattered.


	29. Chapter 29

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> dan didn’t sleep at all that night; his mind was racing with questions. what did phil not know? did he ever read the letter about his parents? was he the same person as when he left? surely not, but what had changed in the last four years? what did dan not know? did phil still love him? did he still love phil?

After the Normandy operation, which was quickly renamed “D-Day”, life was a blur. Phil confirmed that he was a part of the battle and would be advancing in France, which worried Dan, but after the first few days, he had faith in Phil. 

The battle for France raged for two terribly fast months, and it was then announced that the Allies had taken the country. Suddenly, they had control of a German border, and it all went uphill from there. 

There was a certain light feeling in society that wasn’t there before. As it became more and more obvious that the war would soon be coming to an end, joy returned to the world that it hadn’t had since before he left London. Wives began to hope for their husbands to come home; children began to hope for their fathers. For those last few months, hope returned. 

And the hope was not in vain. It was, again, the fastest nine months Dan had experienced since Phil left. It seemed nearly impossible to him that Phil had been gone for almost four years, but the time simply continued to pass. Butterflies occupied Dan’s stomach as the new year rolled around. 1945 was going to be the year; he could feel it. 

And the year it was. The butterflies got stronger and stronger each day as summer approached once again. Finally, on April 30, the news came. Adolf Hitler was dead. 

Germany surrendered a short week later.

Sure, the war was still waging in the Pacific, but Dan didn’t care about that. It was selfish, he knew, as it had worldwide effects, but he also knew that Phil was fighting on the European front. Now that the European war had ended, Phil could come home. 

It wasn’t long after when Dan received a letter saying so. He’d be taking a train home within the next week.

That was when time slowed down. It was like someone had put his life on fast forward for nearly a year and then suddenly pushed play. As soon as he got word that Phil was coming home, the objectively short wait became longer than the entire eleven months that had just passed. 

Finally, he drove to the train station in search of a date and time. 

One more day. 

One. Miserable. Day. 

Dan didn’t sleep at all that night; his mind was racing with questions. What did Phil not know? Did he ever read the letter about his parents? Was he the same person as when he left? Surely not, but what had changed in the last four years? What did Dan not know? Did Phil still love him? Did he still love Phil? 

Dan knew those last two questions were silly, but that didn’t stop him from asking them. The last four years had been hell for the both of them, and each of them had changed in ways he couldn’t even imagine. He knew the fact that they kept writing held them close, and Dan’s own feelings were still there, as far as he knew, but what would happen when they met? Would the flame still be there? 

Dan was sure it would, but there was still a small part of him that had his doubts, and he carried that part through the night and into the morning. 

Dan felt average that morning. He hadn’t slept in twenty-four hours, but the pure adrenaline rushing through his veins made up for it. He accidentally put his toast in the pan rather than his eggs, but other than that he was doing great. 

The anxiety settled in as he drove to the train station. Hayden was at his side, but he was silent. As close as they still were, they hadn’t talked as much as they used to. Hayden could tell Dan had other things on his mind, and Dan felt a bit guilty about it.

“Hey, Hayden?” Dan blurted out as the train station came into view. 

“Hmm?” he hummed, raising an eyebrow. He clearly hadn’t expected conversation. 

“Nothing’s gonna change between us with Phil coming back, is it?” he turned his head to look at Hayden as he stopped in the traffic; obviously Phil was on a full train. 

Hayden broke into a smile. “I think we both know things are gonna change, but it’s okay.” It was Dan’s turn to raise an eyebrow. “I know how much you care about me.” 

Dan smiled as well as he pulled into the parking lot. “I love you, Hayden.” 

“I love you too, Danny.” 

Dan’s mind wandered from Phil for the first time in the last week as they walked into the station. He was reminded of one of his least favorite things: the adversity his brother had faced. Between Dan, Hayden, and Phil, Dan had certainly dealt with the least. He hated that he couldn’t protect his brother from the world as his mother had asked; he’d hated that from day one. But the boy had grown to be stronger than Dan would ever be, and he was thankful for that. After all they’d been through together, Dan had a bond with his brother that could never be broken, not even by Phil returning to take up plenty of his time. 

Dan took his brother’s hand as they entered the station to keep him from being lost in the crowd. It reminded him of years ago when they first stepped off their own train there; he didn’t even feel like they were those people anymore. 

They stood on the platform for a few minutes, the grip they had on each other’s hands growing tighter as the time passed. Finally, a train pulled into the station. 

It was like slow motion as the doors opened. There was a mad dash of wives and families for those they loved, and Dan and Hayden were almost trampled in their own search. It started as soon as the first man stepped out of each car, and it didn’t end until the door were closed. 

Dan didn’t even know where to start; he had no clue what car Phil would even be coming from. His emotions were heightened as his eyes darted wildly back and forth between cars, searching frantically for the bobbing, ginger head to come his way. Dan didn’t realize it, but he was squeezing the circulation out of Hayden’s hand.

In the middle of the chaos, fear began to creep into his stomach. Had something happened? The doors closed, and Dan stood on his toes, trying to peer over the crowd and find Phil. He was tall, but he certainly wasn’t the tallest person in the room. “Phil?!” he shouted into the void, although he knew no one could hear him. Everyone was engulfed in their own reuniting, but Dan was completely alone in the struggle to find his own. “Phil?!” 

“Behind you, silly.” 

Dan pivoted, wheeling Hayden around with him. He barely even got a look at Phil before his warms were thrown around him. As irresponsible as it was, Dan forgot his brother was even there as he embraced Phil. 

In that moment, Dan hadn’t paid much attention to anything. He hadn’t paid attention to his brother, who was keeping to himself throughout the moment. He hadn’t noticed the bags under Phil’s eyes or the way those eyes had dulled since he last saw them. He hadn’t noticed how much taller Phil was or how he’d aged fifteen years in the last four. All he noticed was the face of the man he was in love with, and then he was all in like nothing had even changed. 

Dan hadn’t realized how little emotion he’d felt in those years since Phil had left until it came flooding back. After all he’d been through, he thought he’d felt all the ups and downs there were to feel, but he was nowhere close. Without Phil, there was a certain degree of emotion he couldn’t quite manage to reach, but with Phil back, he felt everything. 

He felt alive. 

Tears of joy ran down his and Phil’s cheeks alike; each of them had been through so much and rarely broken down, but in that moment they cried like babies. There was no word to describe how Dan felt in that moment; it was like he pulled out a mixing bowl, threw a bit of each emotion in it, and started stirring. Later, when he looked back on it, he felt a hearty, joyful type of love. 

It was painful to pull away from the embrace, even after what felt like an eternity, but Dan did so solely because he knew there was a greater reward. Dan wrapped his arms around Phil’s neck as he pressed his lips to Phil’s, and all his worries melted away. Dan knew they were getting a few looks from those around them, but most of them were busied with their own loved ones, and at that point he couldn’t have cared less. Phil was home, and they were more in love than ever.

And that was all that mattered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> epilogue coming on friday!


	30. epilogue

Dan was naive to hope things would go back to normal after Phil returned home. If he was smarter, he would have learned from his experiences that there was no such thing as normal, and that was a good thing. Life was constantly changing, and it was beginning to change for the better. 

At first, life was a bit difficult. Difficult was understating the experience of trying to reconnect with Phil after the war. It was obvious that whatever he had experienced on the battlefield had changed him, and that scared Dan. Often, Phil had nightmares that Dan had to save him from. Everyday things would sometimes trigger something in his head and make him upset. Dan wondered if that was how Phil felt when Dan heard the bombs. Those experiences from years ago reminded him of how to care for Phil and of the fact that he was already in debt to Phil. That alone, the new dynamic of Dan trying to care for Phil, changed their relationship entirely. But they loved each other, and they each knew that, and that helped them get through it. 

Phil told Dan on occasion that he noticed how much Dan had changed as well. One evening they cried to each other, and that was when Phil put it best. 

“It’s like I have to get to know the love of my life again.” 

That was the hardest part, by far, but they made it. After a few months, they knew, and loved, each other better than they ever had before. 

After that first hurdle, they decided it was time to tackle something bigger. For the first time in five years, Dan needed to take a trip back to London. He and Phil agreed on the plans; Dan would go alone, and Phil would watch Hayden, as the boy had school. 

Dan had one goal in his trip: to find his parents. He hadn’t a clue how he’d go about it, or if he’d even have a chance, but he had to try. 

As soon as he stepped off the train, an odd anxiety entered his stomach. He remembered standing on that same platform and saying goodbye to his mother. He took a deep breath and managed to shake some of his fear. That was where he left from; it had to be a good place to start. 

Instinctively, he walked back to the part of the city where he used to live. He was impressed with how well they’d rebuilt, but when he reached his old neighborhood, he found nothing but rubble. For the first time since he left, he let himself cry for London. 

He sat on his old street as he let his emotions out. He was overwhelmed with memories of the street. He remembered playing ball with his friends as well as with Hayden, and he remembered spending day after day walking that street to school and back. When he thought of those things, his tears weren’t of sadness, at least not in the way one would think. He didn’t miss his street; his leaving had led to him finding Phil, and that was more than worth it. All that caused his tears was the fact that no other child would ever have the chance to grow up there as he did. 

His trip around London that day was unsuccessful. He’d stopped by his old school and spoken to his principal, who hadn’t a clue where to find his parents. He then stopped by his mother’s old workplace, and they told him that she’d left there a few years back. He’d gotten the name of another workplace, but by then it was closing time, so he checked into a hotel and spent the night. His train ticket wouldn’t carry him home for another night, so he had plenty of time. 

The next day, he followed a trail of his mother’s last few years, and eventually he found someone who had kept in touch with her and knew where she lived. The woman seemed to recognize him, just barely; apparently his mother had managed to save some pictures. 

She gave him his mother’s address, and he was off. Anxiety crept into his stomach; it had been so long. He knew they’d want to see each other, but neither knew what awaited them. 

He knocked on the door, and his mother opened it. Her face showed age; similar to Phil, she’d aged ten years in the last five. Her mouth fell open at the sight of him, and before he could even speak she’d pulled him into a tight embrace. “Daniel,” she whispered, a pool of her tears falling on his shoulder. 

“Mum.” 

They both cried plenty that night. She cried when Dan told her about how big Hayden was getting, but not as much as she cried when he told her about his epilepsy. She cried when he told her he wasn’t at university, but she thanked him, saying he’d done the right thing. 

He cried when she told him his father hadn’t come back from the war. That single detail was enough for him to double her tears. 

They discussed their future, and a plan was agreed on. She would come out to the countryside. She and Dan alike thought it would be best for her to get out of London; the city held too many memories. She would take care of Hayden as Dan and Phil went to university. He hadn’t told her much about Phil, but she knew enough to understand that he would probably follow Dan to uni. 

From then on, things got a lot easier. The boys went back to university, and Hayden grew up more and more every time they came home for break. Dan’s mother got a job in town as a restaurant manager; he didn’t know that was her dream job, but apparently it was. She made enough money to sustain herself, and Dan and Phil worked themselves through uni. 

Dan graduated with a law degree and opened his own firm in town. Phil took home a degree in education and eventually became a teacher at the local school, much to Hayden’s discontent. Luckily, for him, it wouldn’t be long before he went off to university himself.

Years passed, and the four of them remained living together. Obviously Dan eventually revealed his relationship with Phil to his mother; she didn’t take it the best, but she got used to it and loved them all the same. 

They didn’t separate until Hayden eventually married a girl he met in uni and moved back to London with her. Still, with the strong sense of family instilled in him by the war, he brought her, and eventually his kids, back to visit every holiday.

Even as they aged into their thirties, Dan and Phil still occasionally made the trip up the hill to the tree. The old branch barely supported their weight, and they were nowhere near as limber climbing up as they were when they were kids, but they did it nonetheless. 

“We finally did it, huh?” Dan said one night as he sat beside Phil on the branch. 

“Did what?” 

“We’ve got our perfect lives. We’re together, we’re happy, and we’ve gone years without any major tragedy. Everything has finally fallen together.” 

Phil took a moment to answer. “Yeah, I guess you’re right.” 

“Reminds me of the universe.” 

Phil chuckled. “You’re feeling profound.” 

“Says the science teacher.” 

“Touche.” 

“Really, though,” Dan continued, “isn’t it wild to think that every little piece of the puzzle overhead happened to fall together? That every night, no matter what, we’ve always been able to look up at those stars and trust that they’ll be exactly the same? Yet they’ve still managed to appear different based on where we are and how we feel?” 

Phil rested his head on Dan’s shoulder. “Now that I think about it, yes. That is definitely wild.” 

Dan looked up at the wild puzzle of millions and millions of pieces and thought back to his teenage years. He remembered looking up at the stars after the fire that displaced him and feeling absolutely hopeless, like life would never be worth living again. Then, only a few months later, he sat under the stars with Phil, and he started to feel whole again. Phil and those stars became almost synonymous as they grew closer; the stars began to comfort him as Phil did. Suddenly, Phil was gone, and the stars lost their glow, but simply knowing Phil was there and could still see them kept him going. The array of lights he saw were his support system for years, and only Dan knew the specific magic of them. The stars glimmered a certain way for Dan that they didn’t for anyone else. 

“Do you still have the star?” Dan blurted out. 

“What?” 

“The star. The one identical to the one you gave me. Do you still have it?” 

“Of course I do. I keep it in my pocket every day. Keeping it has become part of my daily routine.” 

“Good,” Dan said, astounded that they’d never discussed it. It was one of those things that had become such an important part of them that they’d nearly forgotten why it was there in the first place. They hadn’t discussed it in years, yet they thought about it every day. It had grown to be so significant that it somehow became insignificant. 

Dan pulled his star out of his pocket, and Phil took one look at it and did the same. They were two minuscule stars held in their palms, but somehow they meant more than the entire, infinitely meaningful universe of stars overhead. 

Dan didn’t think about the past, especially the war, very often. That was a completely separate part of his life, and it was a very difficult one. He’d moved on, he’d grown, and he was a much better person with a much better life. But when he did think about it, he thought of it fondly. 

It didn’t make sense for him to think back happily on that time, but he did. To him, that was when he met Phil. It was when he was always thinking of Phil. It was a part of the magnificent journey to where he ended up: with Phil. That was simply how love was; his entire life was centered around it, as if Phil was the sun and he was a planet. To him, Phil was the most important star of all, and, holding him in his arms upon that hill, he would never forget it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i am so proud to have finished this fic. this is by far the longest fic i’ve ever written, as well as the first chaptered fic i’ve finished in longer than i’d like to admit, and i’m so excited to put it out into the world. this fic is my child, and i love it so much, and i’m glad whoever’s reading this loves it as well. although finishing it is bittersweet, i’m so happy to have it out there. so much love <3


End file.
